A Divorced Father’s Best Gift
Going through a divorce with kids involved is one of life’s most difficult situations. It’s a painful, heartbreaking experience. Having been through it, I learned a very important lesson. The complete well-being of our children, post-divorce, is about more than how we relate to them, it is also about how we relate to our ex. The relationship we have with our ex has an incredible, and often underestimated, impact on our kid’s development. If our interactions with our ex are filled with anger and bitterness, it impacts them just as negatively as it did when we were married. So our children’s well-being will be greatly served if we can forge a functioning, conflict-free relationship with our ex.
When I divorced my wife about six years ago, my son was eight years old and I was terrified of the effect it might have on him. But today, he is flourishing in school and sports, he has tons of friends, and his relationship to me and his mom, as well as our new spouses, is fantastic. In short, he’s doing great. Part of the credit goes to him and part to his mom, but a large part goes to three commitments I made soon after my divorce. They are the primary reason why my ex and I have not had a single argument since our divorce six years ago. These three commitments take strength, integrity and courage to live fully and completely.
Commitment #1: Conscious Intention
The primary reason my ex and I have not had any conflict is because I made a conscious intention to not have any. Does that sound simplistic? It’s not. It’s based on one of the most powerful laws of the universe: The Law of Intention. The law means that whatever we are experiencing is a reflection of our deepest intentions. In other words, we are always getting what we want. If we are overweight, we must have an intention to be fat, though it may be unconscious. If we are single, our intention must be to be single since that is the result we are experiencing. And if we have drama with our ex, we must want drama with our ex. Our results speak to our true (though often unconscious) intentions. So creating a functioning, conflict-free relationship with our ex begins by making a conscious intention to do so. And that means declaring it publicly—to our friends, our kids and especially to our ex! Nothing is created without intention; everything is created by intention.
Commitment #2: Take Responsibility
On the most basic level, we have conflict with our ex today because we have unresolved issues with them from the past. In order to turn your conscious intention into reality, you must return to the issues that drove the two of you apart and resolve them. And you do that by taking responsibility for what you did to create the problems between the two of you. For you are not a victim, but actually a co-creator of your relationship experience and it takes an enormous amount of courage, self-awareness and usually the support of a coach or therapist, to see and own your part. And when you see it and tell your ex about it, conflict ends. Let me give you an example.
About two years ago, I counseled a man who was having horrible conflict with his ex. They had a ten year old son and they argued and screamed at each other when ever they spoke, even though they had been divorced for four years. During one of our conversations, I asked him to put aside the surface issues they fought about, things like finances, childcare, and broken agreements, and tell me what their conflict was really about. (You may have noticed that we are rarely upset for the reasons we think we are.) He said that his ex has always thought that he was still in love with his previous girlfriend, and because of that, their relationship never had a chance. They fought about this constantly, even after the divorce, and he always vehemently denied it.
But I asked him if what she said was true, and after some initial resistance, he admitted that it was. So I counseled him to drop his ego and take responsibility by admitting to his ex that both of his feet were never fully planted in their relationship and because of it, they indeed, never had a chance. At first she was very upset and said, “I told you so!” But after a few days, their conflict completely stopped. They now peacefully co-parent their son and it was all because he took responsibility. Now, you might wonder if she took responsibility as well, because we know that all drama is co-created. And the answer is no. But that doesn’t matter (well, maybe it did to his ego!) because once one person takes responsibility, conflict is no longer possible. It takes two victims to tango.
Taking responsibility brings closure to all the old pain between the two of you. You can now deal with each other strictly in the present. And creating a present that is conflict-free is what commitment #3 is all about.
Commitment #3: Keep Your Agreements
Not long after my divorce became final, I mentioned to my best friend how concerned I was about my son and how the divorce would affect him. He gave me incredible advice, though at the time I thought it was kind of trite. He said, “If you say you’ll be over to pick your son up at 6:30 on Tuesday, be there at 6:30 on Tuesday.” I took his advice and I have consistently kept my agreements with my ex. It is a huge reason why I enjoy such a peaceful, functioning relationship with her.
Making and keeping agreements is the final critical component to building a conflict-free relationship with your ex. If you say you’ll do something, no matter how little it might be, do it. Your word must be money. Of course, you can always renegotiate your agreements if you need to, but if your ex can’t trust what you say and if your kids can’t count on you, then you are inviting conflict and pain into your life and everyone else’s as well.
As divorced people, if we want to do everything within our power to ensure our children’s complete well-being, then we will make a conscious intention to end drama with our ex, we will take responsibility for what we did to cause the relationship to fail and we will keep our agreements impeccably.
Leave a Reply