Roy Biancalana
Relationship Coach and Author
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

The Law of Attraction is all the rage these days. Millions of people are using vision boards and the like to start new businesses, find better jobs, own their dream homes or succeed at some endeavor. And people are experiencing incredible results. People are also trying to apply the Law of Attraction to their love lives. Like a job, home or a business, people want to attract and experience a genuinely healthy relationship. In fact, many of us would put that at the top of our list.

But while we hear many success stories of how the Law of Attraction led a finding a job or a dream home, it’s common to hear people complain that it’s not working in their love lives. Oh, they’re attracting partners and relationships alright, but not the satisfying kind, not the kind they’ve envisioned. Though they know exactly what they want, they continue to attract people they don’t want—men that are selfish, narcissistic or afraid of commitment, or, women who are materialistic, needy or controlling.

In this article, I want to suggest why the Law of Attraction may not be working for you in your love life. I want to tell you why you continue to attract the very people you don’t want in your life and how to change that.

The answer lies, believe it or not, in a couple of Bible verses found in the New Testament book of James. Now, don’t tune me out. I realize you may not have opened a Bible or gone to a church in years. In fact, I haven’t either. It’s not my thing anymore. But the Bible does have some profound spiritual truth to offer us, if we’re open to it. And this is a case in point. James 4: 2-3 sheds light on why the Law of Attraction may not be leading you into the arms of the love of your life. Here’s what it says:

“…You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.”

Let me play with my Billy Graham persona and walk you through this. Bear in mind, however, that James is not directly speaking about relationships in these verses, but to the totality of our experience in the spiritual realm. I’m simply applying it to our love lives. Let’s examine his wisdom.

The first phrase, “You do not have because you do not ask,” is the Law of Attraction, circa, A.D. 50. (And you thought the makers of The Secret had some new wisdom!) This verse says that being clear about what you want, speaking it in prayer, meditating on it in the presence of God, is the most basic principle of manifestation. This simple phrase embodies the Law of Attraction. If you don’t know what you want, and if you don’t ask for it, you won’t get it. It’s as simple as that.

But what if we do know what we want; what if we do ask—and yet we still don’t receive it? What’s up with that? Why is our dream partner not appearing in our lives? And worse yet, why are we attracting the very kinds of people we don’t want? Why are we stuck in what I call “The Groundhog Day Syndrome”—attracting the same kinds of partners over and over again? (You can find more about this syndrome on my website.)

Well, James has the answer. He says it’s because we “ask with wrong motives, that we may spend it on our pleasures.” He’s saying our motivation in love is driven by ego. We want to be in a relationship, not to give, but to get. He’s calling us to examine the entire motivation for a relationship in the first place.

Why do we want to have a partner in our lives? (Really go deep and find the true answer to that. Don’t merely read on. Contemplate. Inquire.) Why do we want to meet the man or woman of our dreams? What’s the real underlying motivation for it all? James suggests that it’s because we want a partner to give us something, so that we can “spend it on our pleasures.”

If we have the courage to really self-examine, we’ll find that we’re motivated by what we can get from our partners. In other words, our egoic needs are driving the whole thing. We seek love for what we can get from love. We’re driven by our perceived lack, by the empty feeling inside, by what we think we need to feel happy, secure, alive and whole. In other words, our ego is driving the bus and our destination is a sense of self.

If James had communicated his thoughts in today’s psycho-spiritual jargon, it might have sounded like this: “Your love life sucks because either you haven’t practiced The Secret, or more likely, you are seeking a relationship because your ego is looking to secure, satisfy and complete itself through another person.”

Here’s the reason your love life isn’t working: You don’t really want to give love; you want to get love. Your motive isn’t to love another for no other reason than that’s what you choose to do, but to get love from another so that your ego’s needs are met. If it was simply to give love, you could do that right now and there would never be a problem. You could focus your love on whomever you chose and you’d be completely fulfilled—whether or not they returned your love or even appreciated it. In fact, you would not be seeking to manifest a partner at all. It wouldn’t matter to you. All that would matter is loving the one (or ones) you chose to love.

In other words, your desire to manifest a partner, to use the Law of Attraction to find love in the first place, confirms that you are motivated to GET something out of love. You would not want to be loved it if there was no selfish motive in being loved.

Are you arguing with that? Do you think your motive is otherwise? Tell me this: Do you or have you had drama in your relationships? Of course you do. Almost everyone does. I certainly do at times. And drama is always—I repeat—always the result of the ego’s needs not being met by the other. Any conflict, argument, or problem in your love life can be traced back to your partner not coming through for you in some way. You just need the self-awareness and the courage to see it. They haven’t fulfilled their role in your life and that leads to drama—but only always.

Remember the Groundhog Day Syndrome I mentioned earlier? Here’s why we continue to attract the same basic person over and over again. If you’re interested in a relationship for what you can get out of it, then you’ll always attract a partner who is similarly motivated. The Law of Attraction means like attracts like. If you’re wanting love so that you can “spend it on your pleasures,” every person you attract will be up to the same thing. It’ll be a tug-of-war, with each of you seeking to get from the other. And if one person isn’t getting what they want, the result is drama.

There are two egos in the relationship, and by definition, the ego is one big glob of WANT. That’s all it is. That’s it’s essence—want. Have you experienced relationships as power struggles? That’s why. Have you had the “It’s your fault—NO, it’s your fault” argument? That’s why. Have you been involved in blaming, complaining, judging, accusing and name-calling? That’s why. It’s ego. Each person is trying to get the other person to love them in the way their ego needs to be loved.

Therefore, you are not in LOVE. You are in GET.

And if you are in GET, you’ll always attract a partner who is interested in a relationship for the same reason—to GET. He or she doesn’t want to love you; they want to get love from you. They’re a “taker” just like you are.

What is love anyway? Simply put, it’s the absence of GET. It’s the absence of self, of ego. Permit me one more Bible verse. This one is from the love chapter in the New Testament, First Corinthians 13, which you’ve heard quoted at just about every wedding you’ve ever attended! Verse 5 says, in part, “Love does not seek its own.” What does that mean? I put it like this in my book, A Drink with Legs:

“No matter how often I felt like I was in love; no matter how often I said the words, “I love you,” to one of my partners, I never truly loved them because authentic love is a one-way street. Love asks nothing, needs nothing and requires nothing. It needs no response, no return and no reason. Love has no strings, it has no memory, it incurs no debt and needs no vow. If need exists, love doesn’t. If want is present, love is absent. Love is not mutual. It is not a two-way street. It is freely given with no thought of reply. Love, if it actually is love, is unconditional. Always.”

Here’s the healthy and evolved reason for a wanting to be in a love relationship: You recognize that you are Love itself. That’s the starting point. Your nature is love. With that awareness, you realize you lack nothing, need nothing and seek nothing. You are love. You don’t need love any more than the ocean needs water. The ocean is water and you are love.

Furthermore, you love all sentient beings and feel absolutely no separation between you and any other form. You are connected and in communion with everything. And yet there’s an inner impulse, a quiet, calm desire that yearns to focus the love that you are toward one particular person.

Why do you want a relationship? Because you simply want to love another human being—period. There’s nothing in it for you; nor do you want anything in return. It’s just your nature to Love and so that’s what you do. When this becomes true for you, when your ego’s needs are ignored and transcended even a little bit, you will attract a person who will also want to focus his or her love on you—just because they feel like it.

Now you have two people who are in a LOVING relationship, not in a GETTING relationship.

Where do you begin the journey to such a relationship? Certainly not on Match.com and certainly not in a bar or a grocery store or a bookstore. This journey begins by going inwards, by disidentifying from the egoic self and realizing your true nature which is whole, complete and lacking nothing. Only then will you experience the love life you instinctively know is possible.

There is no love without enlightenment. The gateway to a great, satisfying relationship is to and through your own heart, realizing your true, spiritual nature AS LOVE. Are you willing to walk through this gate? Are you truly interested in such a quest? Not many are. Jesus said, “For the gate is small, and the way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who find it.”

Roy Biancalana
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

After a series of bad or unsatisfactory relationships, people often come to me for help being that I’m a Relationship Coach. They are hurting, confused and extremely frustrated. They tell me that their love life is like the movie Groundhog Day—each person they date turns out to be just like the last one. Either the men are self-centered, emotionally unavailable and fearing commitment or the women are shallow, materialistic and carrying a ton of baggage.

They say, “Roy, I’m experiencing the same man or woman over and over again. They may look different on the outside, but in reality, they’re the same person. I’m sick of it. I want you to teach me how to use the Law of Attraction so that I can make my love life fulfilling.”

Now, if you think they were confused and frustrated before, you haven’t seen anything yet. They look at me like I’m from Mars when I tell them, “You already are using the Law of Attraction.” Their face scrunches up and they grunt, “huh?” I continue. “Yes, not only are you already using the Law of Attraction, you’re always using it. There is never a time in your life that you haven’t. You cannot not use the law. It is at work in your life every second of every day whether you know it or not. Every single thing you are experiencing in your love life (and your professional life too for that matter) is the result of the Law of Attraction.”

The Law of Attraction means simply this: Like Attracts Like. It’s the law of magnetic reciprocity. It means that you have a particular psycho-spiritual-emotional “shape,” much like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle. And you are always and only going to attract, match, fit, and have chemistry with, another “piece” that is shaped like you, one that fits you. This is your reciprocal partner.

The game of tennis is another way of understanding this. In order to play the game effectively, you have to play with someone whose game is like yours. If you’re a good player and your partner is a beginner, it won’t work, and vice versa. Sure, a good player can teach the game to a beginner, but the two of them can’t play each other. You have to be on a similar level.

It’s the same in your love life. The reason a person keeps attracting the same person over and over again is that their “shape” or their “game” remains unchanged. Therefore, they have zero chance of attracting a different kind of person.

Whether you are aware of it or not, the people you are attracted to, the people you feel chemistry with, are like you. You match. Like attracts like. They are on the same level; they play just like you. Like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle or tennis partners, you go together.

Who you believe yourself to be, your state of consciousness, your deepest (and often unconscious) beliefs about yourself are magnetically at work attracting another person who sees themselves the same way. If you don’t love yourself, you’ll attract a partner that doesn’t love themselves. If you believe you’re worthless, empty or flawed, you’ll attract a partner who sees themselves as worthless, empty and flawed.

Why do you think abusers and abusees find each other? Why do people who over function in relationships (care-givers) attract under functioning (selfish) partners? Why do you think domineering men find subservient women? Do you think this kind of thing is a coincidence? Please. It’s the Law of Attraction.

Why do you think addicts attract enablers? Why do you think needy, clingy women attract men who are afraid of commitment? They GO together. They’re reciprocal opposites—like cookies and milk, or two pieces of a puzzle. This is the Law of Attraction and it’s always at work in your life. Like (who you are) Attracts Like (someone who perfectly matches you).

For the longest time, I was “Casanova” in my relationships. I took care of women. I spoiled them. I, therefore, attracted damsels-in-distress, women who needed to be taken care of. The hero-rescuer needs and attracts the needy, overwhelmed victim. They go together.

So your pain, disappointment and frustration with your love life has nothing to do with the men or women who’ve been a part of it! It’s not them. Brace yourself: It’s you. If your “shape” remains unchanged, you will always and only continue to attract the same kinds of partners. Groundhog Day will continue—eternally—unless you put your full attention on your personal evolution, on letting go of your fear-driven, false egoic self.

The only question is this: Are you going to use the Law of Attraction consciously or are you going to continue to be used by the law unconsciously? Are you going to continue playing the victim, complaining and blaming your love life on the “fact” that there are no good men or women out there? Or are you willing to radically shift your inner state of consciousness, your level of psycho-spiritual-emotional development, which of course, leads to attracting a partner who fits this “new” you?

If you think the problem is them you’re not getting it. If you think you only need to make a vision board and feel into the kind of man or woman you want, you’re not getting it. If you’re relying on a list of qualities and characteristics you want in a partner, you’re not getting it. If you think you need to hang out in places where a higher quality of people frequent, you’re not getting it. If you think you need to change your appearance; if you think you need to understand the opposite sex better; if you think you need to master tips and techniques found in magazines like Cosmo or Men’s Health, you’re not getting it. THERE IS NO NEED FOR ANY OF THAT!

All that’s needed is a serious commitment to seeing yourself clearly. That is my definition of enlightenment, by the way—seeing yourself clearly. What has been your relationship M.O., your love life persona? What inner beliefs, patterns and commitments do you have to let go of? Your love life has been disappointing because you’ve been believing things about yourself that aren’t true. You’ve been stuck, albeit unconsciously, loving from a fictitious self. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to discover who you truly are.

In my experience, most of us need someone to support us in the journey to true Self understanding. I would love to be your guide, to help you wake up from the Groundhog Day dream you’ve been living.

Move over Buddha, Jesus of Nazareth, Ramana Maharshi and Eckhart Tolle. There’s a new spiritual sheriff in town and his name is Forrest Gump.

Recently, as I was watching that wonderful movie, for what had to be about the tenth time, I was dumbfounded by the deep and profound spiritual truths that it teaches, truths I had never seen before. I would encourage you to watch this amazing movie again and see if the following three spiritual principles impact you as much as they have me.

Principle #1: Surrender
The movie, as you’ll recall, opens and closes with a white feather being carried along by the wind. It is not in control, nor does it determine its destiny. The feather is not the doer, the decider or the chooser. It goes with the flow, always surrendering to the unfolding momentum of Life. Forrest Gump’s amazing journey beautifully illustrates the magic and mystery of surrendering to Divine Intelligence. He isn’t the doer; in a very real sense, he’s being done.

This is a particularly powerful message for those of us who see ourselves as the doer and the achiever, the one who is responsible for manifesting and creating our reality. Popular books like The Secret and the channeled teachings of Abraham Hicks (and many others) proclaim that we can create and control our destiny. And on a certain rudimentary level, that is true. The first step on the spiritual journey is to let go of the victim mentality and realize that if you align yourself with the laws of the universe, you can create an amazing life.

However, on a much deeper and more profound level, it’s not true at all. Being the doer is only an appearance on the level of form. It’s an illusion, much like a mirage. Furthermore, if we cling to the illusion of being the doer and become “successful,” it leads to arrogance (“Look what I did!”) and exhaustion (“I have to keep on doing and doing!”). If we are not “successful,” the doer belief produces guilt (“It’s all my fault!”) and despair (“I’m a loser!”)

The reality is that we are a part of the One Life that is unfolding through us and as. Forrest teaches us to simply let go of being the doer and surrender to how life unfolds moment by moment.

Principle #2: Resistance
Another startling thing about Forrest Gump’s life is that he experiences one “bad” thing after another and yet each time they turn out to be “good” things. His crooked spine and bad legs inspire Elvis Presley; when a bunch of boys want to hurt him, he runs away—right through the University of Alabama’s football practice, catching the eye of Bear Bryant; his friend Bubba dies in his arms in Vietnam and he ends up starting the multimillion dollar company Bubba Gump Shrimp.

But although so many “bad” things happen to Forrest, never do we hear him complain, get angry or take any of what’s happening personally. It’s not about him; it’s just what is. He doesn’t blame God, himself or anyone else. He never resists what’s happening. He fully accepts the moment as it is and chooses to live in alignment with it, rather than trying to change it, figure it out or stop it in some way.

Now, in my opinion, it’s unfortunate that Forrest is portrayed as mentally slow and a bit stupid (though in terms of movie-making it was brilliant). It’s easy to think that the only way you can live with such amazing non resistance is if you’re somewhat mentally handicapped. We can miss this incredible wisdom thinking we’re too sophisticated and smart to see and react to life like that. But that’s not true. We can choose, now matter how high of an IQ we have, to not resist whatever occurs, to not complain, whine, get angry and take anything personally.

Does this mean that if you live without resistance that you’ll become a millionaire? Maybe, maybe not. But one thing is for sure—you’ll always be at peace. What’s that worth?

Principle #3: Love
Perhaps the most incredible thing about Forrest Gump is the unconditional love he has for Jenny, the little girl he first met on the school bus. The young boy, and then the grown man, loves her without agenda and without requiring anything in return. His love has no “self” in it. He doesn’t “need” her; his love is one-directional.

Time and again she chooses other men and other paths that don’t include him. And you get the sense that with each choice he’s sad—not for himself and for what he’s not getting from her—but for her and the choices she’s making. As their paths cross throughout the movie, he still chooses to direct his love toward her without reservation or complaint.

Think of all the people in your life that you love. Is it pure like that? Is it void and empty of self? Is it unconditional? (Ya, I don’t have very good answers for that one either.) But can we open to the possibility that we can BE love like that? Can we let go of our egoic self, the one that feels the need for attention and affection, the one that requires to be loved in return, the one that says, “I’ll love you IF you love me back”?

Stupid is as stupid does. Are we that stupid?

For women, “players” are men who say they are interested in a relationship–and even act like it, but after they’ve slept with you, they lose interest or disappear altogether. It is extremely painful to realize you have become just another notch in his belt.

For men, “gold-diggers” are women who appear to have their life together, but in reality, they’re looking for a guy to take care of them, especially financially. It is equally painful for a man to realize that his woman isn’t so much crazy about him as she is crazy about the lifestyle he can provide for her.

If you’re single and actively involved in the dating world, you desperately want to discover who is for real and who isn’t. But how can you tell if the man or woman you’re interested in is actually a “wolf in sheep’s clothing”? How can you spot and therefore avoid “players” and “gold-diggers”? Well, actually, it’s quite easy. Let’s begin with you women.

Here’s how to know if a guy is a player: First, let’s assume you aren’t interested in casual dating or simply hooking up. (If you are, you’re reading the wrong column.) This advice is for men and women who want to create a meaningful, committed, long-term relationship. Second, don’t sleep with him on your first date. That’s basic. If you do that, you’re asking for trouble. But at the end of your second date and assuming you really like him and are sexually attracted to him, tell him your dating commitment. Say this:

“I have really enjoyed our two dates and I definitely want to see you again. But I want you to know something. Although I am very attracted to you and I can feel in my body how much I want you, I’ve made a commitment to not even think of having sex with a guy until at least the tenth date. I know that sounds weird, given our culture today, but even though I’m really attracted to you and want to see you again, I won’t even consider getting physical until the tenth date.”

If he’s a “player” you’ll never hear from him again. If he’s into you and if he’s sincerely interested in commitment, he’ll have no problem waiting a couple of months for you.
Men, here’s how you know if the woman you’re interested in is interested in you or your pocketbook. First, pay for the first two dates. But at the end of the second date, tell her this: “I really like you and I can’t wait to see you again. I want you to know that I am interested in creating an amazing co-committed partnership with the woman of my dreams. And that’s why I’m seeing you. I think you’re amazing. And because I see a woman as an equal and because I want a mutual co-committed relationship, I want us to share the expense of seeing one another. I want you to take turns paying for our dates in the future as we see where this is headed.”

If she’s a gold-digger and interested in a co-dependent relationship where you provide her the lifestyle she’s always wanted in exchange for sex or something else she has to offer, then she won’t answer her phone when you call her next. But if she thinks you’re amazing, if she’s into you, if she thinks that you could be the man of her dreams, then she’ll be more than happy to participate fully and mutually in the relationship.

If you make these kinds of dating commitments I can guarantee you’ll chase away a lot of men and women. But isn’t that the point? You’ll chase away “players” and “gold-diggers.” But those that remain, are those who are really into you; and these commitments make that perfectly clear.

In most newsletters, I write about intimate relationships, but this month I’m going to point you toward your most important relationship off all—the one you have with yourself.
This month I want to allow my favorite psycho-spiritual writer, Ken Wilber, to talk about what it means to live as a conscious, enlightened being. What does it mean to be enlightened? Wilber points us toward it better than any other writer I’ve found.
I realize that not many of you read Wilber’s books (he’s authored 20 of them and they’re pretty deep), but what he has to say is so powerful and so important to our lives (and indirectly, our intimate relationships) that I felt compelled to reprint a long section from his book, The Simple Feeling of Being. Enjoy and contact me if you want to discuss his thoughts. I’d love to hear from you.

“Let your mind relax. Let your mind relax and expand, mixing with the sky in front of it. Then notice: the clouds float by in the sky, and you are effortlessly aware of them. Feelings float by in the body, and you are effortlessly aware of them, too. Thoughts float by in the mind, and you are aware of them as well. Nature floats by, feelings float by, thoughts float by…and you are aware of all of them.
So tell me: Who are you?
You are not your thoughts, for you are aware of them. You are not your feelings, for you are aware of them. You are not any objects that you can see, for you are aware of them too.
Something in you is aware of all these things. So tell me: What is it in you that is conscious of everything?
What is it in you that is always awake? Always fully present? Something in you right now is effortlessly noticing everything that arises. What is that?
That vast infinite witnessing awareness, don’t you recognize it? What is that Witness?
You are that Witness, aren’t you? You are the pure Seer, pure awareness, the pure Spirit that impartially witnesses everything that arises, moment to moment. Your awareness is spacious, wide open, empty and clear, and yet it registers everything that arises.
That very Witness is Spirit within, looking out on a world that it created. It sees but cannot be seen; it hears but cannot be heard; it knows but cannot be known. It is Spirit itself that sees with your eyes, speaks with your lips, hears with your ears, reaches out with your arms. When will you confess this simple secret and awaken from the gruesome nightmare?
Can you see the words on this page? Then 100% of Spirit is present, looking out through your eyes. Can you feel the book in your hand? Then 100% of Spirit is present, taking the world in its hands. Can you hear the sound of that bird singing? Then 100% of Spirit is present, listening to that song.
You cannot look for this Spirit, for it is doing the looking. You cannot see this Spirit, for it is doing the seeing. You cannot find this Spirit, for it does all the finding. If you understand this, then Spirit is doing the understanding; if you don’t understand this, Spirit is doing that. Understand it or not, just that is Spirit.
Hence the amazing, secret, ultimate truth that slowly starts to dawn: the enlightened mind—pure Spirit itself—is not hard to attain but impossible to avoid. How could you ever be without that Spirit which is reading this sentence right now?
Show me the Self you had before the Big Bang, and I will show you the Spirit of the entire Kosmos. And as for that pure, timeless, formless Spirit: You…Are…That.
And then the strangest thing happens. Resting in the pure Self, abiding as the timeless Witness, noticing that the clouds float by in the vast expanse of Emptiness that is my own ever-present awareness, the Witness itself suddenly cannot be found. The Seer vanishes into everything that is seen and never again returns to haunt the universe as a separate and separating force. Subject and object vanish into One Taste, the Nondual announces itself as a Presence that has no within or without, the ultimate Mystery permeates the Kosmos with an Obviousness that is too simple to believe, too close to see, too present to be reached, too This to be noticed.
The Seer vanishes into everything seen, which sees itself eternally. I no longer witness the clouds, I am the clouds; I do not hear the rain, I am the rain; I can no longer touch the earth, for I am the earth; I cannot hear the robin singing, because I am the robin singing, here in the painful brilliant clarity of ever-present One Taste.”

A scarcity mentality sounds like this: “There are no good men out there, and if there are, they’re gay or married.” This belief, if left to fester and grow unchallenged, will lead to many self-destructive actions, not the least of which is the tendencey to hang on to, and/or put up with, otherwise unacceptable behavior by the man in your life.

Imagine, however, if you believed that the world was filled with amazing, available, compassionate, sexy, evolved men. Would you then put up with any bullshit? Of course not. So the first thing a single woman has to address, if she wants to experience an amazing intimate love life, is her scarcity mentality.

Getting at the core of the scarcity mentality, and letting it go, is beyond the focus of this post, however. So for now, let’s assume you didn’t hold that belief at the center of your being. Let’s assume you thought that the guy you’re with isn’t the last half-way decent man left on planet Earth. If you acted “as-if” that was true, then you would immediately dump any man the minute he did any of the following seven things.

Now, the seven things I’m about to describe are the “little” things that women should view as “big” things. But if you are in the trance of the scarcity mentality, they won’t bother you. But they should! The “little” things to which I am going to refer are not obvious things like he’s cheating on you, unwilling to get a job or move out of his mother’s house. Those are obvious biggies (or at least I hope you think they’re biggies). But here are seven “little” things that are big red flags. Dump him if:

1. He drunk dials you. If your guy, or a guy who you think might have potential, calls you when he’s hammered, this is a sign that he’s a moron and incapable of having an adult, mature relationship. The “frat-boy” persona is okay if you’re in college, but if you’re older than 22, you want no part of a guy who thinks “Animal House” is a way of life.

2. He breaks his agreements with you. Simply put, a man is only as good as his word. Intimacy is built on trust. And if a guy makes promises, and frequently (that’s a key word) breaks them (even if they’re “little” promises like saying he’ll pick you up at 7:00 and shows up at 8:00), he’s revealing that he isn’t worthworthy. If you can’t trust that your guy will do what he says when he said he would do it, then there is no basis for any sort of a relationship. There must be a basic level of reliability and consistency to him and his word.

3. He talks about his ex all the time. If a guy is constantly talking about his ex, he’s either still in love with her or he hates her. Either way, he’s not complete with her. And until a guy is complete, finished and indifferent toward his ex, there is no room in his heart for you. Run from a guy who’s still caught up in his past.

4. He tells “white” lies frequently. Telling the truth is an absolute must in a relationship. We all know that. But too often we downplay the little “white” ones thinking they’re no big deal. (The skipper of the Titanic thought the little iceberg was no big deal either and you know how that turned out.) Deception is a dangerous sign no matter what size it comes in. If you catch your guy in a lie, especially if it’s early in the relationship, run for the hills. It’s not too much to expect the absolute truth from your man.

5. He frequents porn sites and/or strip clubs. Putting morality aside, if a guy goes to a bachelor party at a strip club or if he watches some porn on the hotel TV when he’s on the road traveling for work, those kinds of things aren’t that big of a concern for a relationship in my experience. (If it is to you, fine) Beware, however, of a guy who’s hung up on porn and strip clubs. If it’s a part of his life, that’s a sign he’s disconnected from himself and using sex to avoid his feelings. That’s a bad sign for your relationship. Don’t put up with it.

6. He’s on an internet dating site. If you find out that the guy you’re dating or married to is on an internet dating site, dump him. Don’t look back, don’t give him second chance; dump him.

7. He’s controlling, especially early in the relationship. A client of mine recently told me this story: She met this guy at the beach. They exchanged emails and had their first date two weeks later. On that initial date, she casually told him that she had a business dinner with a guy at work the following Monday. He said he was NOT comfortable with that at all. He said when he’s with a woman, he’s exclusive and expects her to be as well. (I’m not making this up.) She also mentioned that she had her gynocologist appointment that week (yes, I wondered why she was telling him that kind of stuff for on a first date too!) and he said he wasn’t comfortable with that either. She wondered if that was appropriate. You can guess what I told her.

8. He’s addicted to anything (with the possible of exception of cigarettes). You can not relate in a healthy way to an addict. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, pot, pills, etc., you must walk away from a guy who’s hooked on anything. You’re headed for heartache if you fudge on this.

Finally, let’s wrap up with a tough question. Take a look at the eight things listed. Should your guy dump you?? Meaning, are you doing any of those things in your life? Don’t fall into the trap of thinking a great relationship depends on finding a great guy. Make sure you’re a great girl. If you do any of the things listed above you’ll never have a great relationship no matter how wonderful of a guy you attract.

Those of you who read this post do so because you’re interested in conscious loving relationships. Your interest in this topic leads you to not only read posts like this one, but you probably often read the latest best-selling relationship books as well. Therefore, this Examiner feels compelled to examine such books when then come to national attention so that you, the reader, can make positive choices in regards to your love life.
One such book is For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, written by Tara Parker-Pope. Your Conscious Relationship Examiner has never been so thoroughly disappointed and disgusted by a book as he is in this one. This book claims to point its readers toward creating a good marriage, when, in fact, it points them toward an absolutely dysfunctional, sure-to-fail relationship.
For example, on page 59, the author presents a series of questions designed to help the reader determine how passionately they love their partner. She presents a self-scoring scale: One (1) if you never feel this way, and ten (10) if you strongly feel this way. She says, “…add up your scores and check the scale below to see how hot your love fires burn.” Her obvious point is that the higher your score, the more that each question is true for you, the more passionate and the more healthy your relationship is.
Here are about half of the questions she lists:
• I would feel despair if my parnter left me.
• Sometimes I can’t control my thoughts; they are obsessively on my partner.
• I have an endless appetite for affection from my partner.
• My partner always seems to be on my mind.
• I eagerly look for signs indicating my partner’s desire for me.
Friends, I can tell you that if you resonate with any of these even a little bit, it’s not a sign that you’re passionately in love with your partner, it’s a sign that you’re addicted to them! These questions are symptoms of love/relationship addiction. They are evidence of the “you complete me” mindset that the movie Jerry Maguire made famous back in the mid-90’s.
If you would answer any of these questions with a number higher than five, you’re in big, big trouble. It indicates that you’re looking to your partner for a sense of self, to alleviate your loneliness, to make you feel alive, special and whole. And they can’t do that, even if they wanted to (which they won’t by the way). That’s your job.
This is not to say that passion is bad. Heavens NO! Passion, love, sex and intimacy are wonderful. We all want it. But what this book describes isnt’ passion but obsession. It’s not love she identifying but addiction.
The pop artist Kesha captures this destructive mentality in her song, “Your Love Is My Drug.” While the song is catchy and fun, it declares an absolutely dysfunctional kind of “love.” In fact, it’s not love; it’s dependence and addiction.
The problem with looking to your partner to make you feel happy, alive and whole is that he or she isn’t capable of meeting those emotional needs with any degree of consistency or completeness. They will fail to meet your needs and when they do, drama will be the result. If they aren’t devoted to giving you the affection and attention you require to feel safe and alive, you’ll feel that they’re “not there for you,” that they don’t love you.
The root source of all drama in any intimate relationship is when one partner is relying on the other to make them feel worthy, special and secure.
So to read Ms. Parker-Pope’s book, and see her actually promoting addiction as healthy, makes this writer and relationship coach want to puke. Stay away from this book. And if you feel you might have a bit of the “you complete me” mindset hindering your love life, read instead, A Drink with Legs: From Being Hooked to Being Happy–A Spiritual Path to Relationship Bliss. It’s by yours truly and it can be found at www.coachingwithroy.com.

Nothing is more frustrating than to date a guy and discover he’s married. It seems it happens all the time. In fact, one of my clients (I’m a relationship coach) just found out that the guy she was living with for over two years was still married!
This article seeks to examine how to stop this from happening to you. But before we talk about the actual signs married men give off to their dates and/or girlfriends–yes, they always give signs of the truth, you just have to have your eyes open to spot them–we begin the conversation at a curious, and perhaps, a maddening place.
The first question to ask yourself if you’re a single woman who seems to attract married men is this: What’s the payoff or the benefit to YOU for attracting unavailable men? Yes, I am saying there’s a self-serving reason for attracting this kind of experience into your life. (Remember, there is no such thing as a victim. We are responsible for what occurs in our lives.) Does that make you mad? It might. But usually, and the percentage is very high, women who attract married men actually want to attract married men.
As strange as that sounds, take a moment and ask yourself why you might actually want a man who ultimately isn’t available to you. To get you started, let me give you three issues to explore.
First, you may be at a point in your life where you really aren’t seriously interested in a long term, committed relationship. But you still want attention and affection. So a relationship that is convenient but can’t really go anywhere might be exactly what you want. And what we unconsciously want always wins out over what we say or think we want. So, are you really ready to go deep with a man, to jump in with both feet? If not, you may be attracting the perfect man to match your unconscious commitment.
Secondly, are you afraid of commitment? I know that’s supposed to be a man thing, but many women are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship. Maybe that’s your history: losing contact with you, with your desires, dreams or goals and setting all that aside to be with a guy. Maybe you’ve unconsciously said, “Never again will I allow a relationship to derail my commitment to my kids, my career, my spiritual path.” If so, then married men are perfect for you. Check in with yourself and see if you’re really open for a deep vulnerable commitment.
Third, are you afraid of being rejected and/or abandoned? Many women have been hurt by alcoholic fathers, disappearing boyfriends or husbands, etc. Love has been a source of great pain and so unconsciously they’ve decided not to let a man get that close again. To love is to risk pain, hurt and rejection. They could leave; they could find someone younger or prettier; they could fall out of love; they could move away for family or career. So if you’re afraid of being hurt by love, a married man is perfect because you can’t get too close. No matter how hot and steamy the sex may be, the relationship can only progress so far. It’s safe; you’re safe.
Now, if you do deep inquiry into your life and find that none of those are really true of you, then here are a few signs the guy you’re dating is married.
1. He has children and won’t let you meet them. If a guy keeps his kids away from you, it’s usually a sign he doesn’t want them to meet you. That would be hard to explain: “Daddy, why are you hugging and kissing her? Won’t mommy be mad?” Now, there is a time when it’s too soon to let your children meet a new partner. In fact, it’s irresponsible to bring a bunch of partners in and out of children’s lives. So wait until the relationship is solid and appears to be permanent before getting the children involved. That should be at least 3 months. But if he’s keeping his kids away from you, chances are he’s married.
2. He falls of the grid and disappears frequently. This may seem obvious, but if you can’t get ahold of your guy for long stretches of time (more than one day), chances are he’s with his family and he can’t return your call or text. Be on the alert for lame excuses for why he didn’t call you back for three days.
3. He can’t spend holidays with you. Married guys can get out of a lot of family commitments; they can get out of a lot of husband duties and responsibilities, but they can hardly ever make an excuse to their spouse about why they can’t be there for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter and the fourth of July. Beware of your guy saying he has to see his dad or mom for the holidays! It’s a load of crap.
4. He says, “wife” but then corrects himself to “ex.” Yes, if a guy was married a while, he may, out of force of habit, call his ex, “wife.” But very often it’s sign he’s married. He really doesn’t see her as his ex (cause she’s not!) and so unconsciously he blurts out “wife” instead of “ex.” Beware of his misspeaking about his “ex.”
5. He has a weird relationship with his “ex.” The client I referred to at the beginning of this article is a case in point. He often stopped by his ex’s, the woman he supposedly divorced 10 years earlier, to fix things around the house! Yes, it’s nice if a guy has a friendly, cooperative relationship with his ex, but there’s a limit. Beware of a guy who spends too much time there, does too many nice things, and pays too much attention to his “old life.”
Those are just a few of the signs the guy you’re seeing is married. Maybe you know of others. If so, I’d love to hear them. Visit my site, www.coachingwithroy.com for my contact information.

Mysticism in general and contemplation in particular are such staggeringly vast and often confusing topics that, especially if one is new to either of them, they can prove lethally overwhelming to the soul, right when it is looking for something, if not exactly simplistic, then at lest simple enough to ground what might be its confusion, chaos, perhaps fear, perhaps suffering. What I would like to do, then, in just a few pages, is offer the reader some simple experiential reference points that might help to ground some of the ideas of mysticism and contemplative spirituality. I will first give seven of the most central ideas of mysticism and then attempt to give the reader a very quick, direct, experiential grounding in each of them.
The central ideas, if discussed merely theoretically, can sound rather dry and abstract. Here are the seven central ideas: (1) each of us has an outer and an inner self; (2) the inner self lives in a timeless, eternal now; (3) the inner self is a great mystery, or pure emptiness and unknowingness; (4) the inner self is divine, or perfectly one with infinite spirit in a supreme identity; (5) hell is identification with the outer self; (6) heaven is the discovery and realization of the inner divine self, the supreme identity; (7) the divine self is one with the all, given in grace and sealed in glory.
Now, let’s go in search of an experience of each of those items in just a few pages. Tall order? Not really, for you are already aware of, and fully experiencing, each of those items right now, according to the mystics. So let’s see.
First, sit back and relax, take a few breaths, then let your awareness come easily to rest in this present moment and simply notice some of the things that you are aware of, right here and now.
Notice, for example, some of the many things that you can see, things that are already arising effortlessly in your awareness. There are perhaps clouds floating by in the sky, leaves blowing in the wind, raindrops on the roof, the city skyline all brightly lighted against the evening’s darkness, or the sun shining brightly on the horizon as it is about to begin its journey across the sky. These things take no effort to be aware of; they are simply arising in your awareness, spontaneously and effortlessly, right now.
Just as there are clouds floating by in the sky, there are thoughts floating by in the space of your mind. Notice that these thoughts arise, stay a bit, and pass. You don’t choose most of them; thoughts simply emerge out of what seems to be nothingness or emptiness, parade across the screen of your awareness, and fade back into nothingness. The same with feelings in your body. There might be a sensation of discomfort in my feet; a feeling of warmth in my tummy; a tingling in my fingertips; an intense burst of excitement around my heart; a warm pleasure washing over my body. All these feelings simply arise on their own, stay a bit, and pass.
As I look inward, noticing thoughts and feelings arising in the inner spaces of my own awareness, I can also notice this thing called me or my self. There are many things I might know about myself—some of which I might be pleased with, some of which I might be annoyed with, and some of which I might find positively horrifying or alarming. But whatever I might think about this thing called my self, it certainly seems that there are numerous things I can know about it.
There even seem to be several of these selves, a fact announced by a plethora of pop psychology books. There is my wounded child; my harsh superego; my cynical and even bitter skeptic; my ever-present controller, seeking to control both me and everybody else; my wise old man or wise old woman; my spiritual seeker; my fearful persona, which lets fear make too many of my life’s choices for me; the joyous persona, finding a constant current of joy and happiness in this and every moment; to name a prominent few….
But notice something fascinating about all these selves: They are all something that I can see, that I can be aware of, that I can feel and know and describe, in many ways. They can all be seen—but who or what is the seer? All those selves, which I just looked within, saw, felt, and then described—are all objects that can be seen: But what is the subject, the actual self, the actual seer of those seen things, the true knower of those known things?
Get a good sense of yourself right now—just try to be aware of what you call “yourself” right now. Try to see or feel yourself as clearly as you can. Notice that, once you get a sense of seeing or feeling or being aware of yourself right now, what you are seeing is an object, not a true subject. That is, the self that you are seeing—the self that you call yourself and that you take to be a real self—is actually an object. It’s not even a real self or real subject, but simply an object or something that can be seen. Everything that you know about yourself, everything that you are used to calling yourself, is not actually a self or a real subject but just a bunch of objects, a bunch of things that can be seen. But who or what is the seer, the real subject or real self?
To begin with, don’t try to see your true self, because anything that you can see is just another object, just another thing that can be seen, and not the seer itself. As the mystics are fond of saying, the true self is not this, not that. Rather, as you attempt to get in touch with this real self or subject, just begin by letting go of all the objects that you have previously identified with. Anything that you can see or know about yourself is not your true self anyway, but just another object, so let it go, just let it go, and begin instead to disidentify with whatever you thought was yourself. Try this exercise, saying to yourself:
“I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. I have feelings, but I am not my feelings. I have desires, but I am not my desires. I have wishes, but I am not those wishes. I have intense pleasure and excruciating pain, but I am neither of those. I have a body, but I am not my body. I have a mind, but I am not my mind. All those can be seen, but I am the seer; all those can be known, but I am the knower; all those are merely objects, but I am the real subject or true self, not any passing parts and pieces and objects and things. I am not thoughts, not feelings, not desires, not body, not mind, not this, not that.
So who or what am I?
Before proceeding, let’s say that, according to the evidence of our experience right now, we at least two selves, or two sorts of selves—there is the self that can be seen and know, and the self that cannot be seen or known. There is the unknown seer, and there are all the little selves seen. Philosophers have some fancy words for this: the transcendental self (or pure I AM-ness, which can never be an object, seen or known) and the empirical self (or the empirical ego, which can be seen, known, experienced, and objectified).
Even though the transcendental seer cannot itself be seen—that would be just another object—it nevertheless sees the entire majesty in front of its eyes: Unseen, it sees all; unknown, it knows all; unfelt, it feels all.
For this reason, the true self is often called the witness: It witnesses all that is occurring but cannot itself be turned into an object—as a true subject, it cannot be objectified. It is also called the mirror mind—it effortlessly and spontaneously reflects everything that arises, but does not grasp or keep. The true self is, in some sense, a deep mystery, something that can never be seen, and yet it sees the entire universe in front of it. It is a vast emptiness, and yet out of it the entire world seems to spring.
For the moment, please keep asking yourself, “What is this self of mine?” Keep trying to feel into that question, keep trying to think the thinker, feel the feeler, and see the seer. As you proceed in that fashion, asking yourself, “Who am I?” and gently letting go of all the objects that you thought you were, and as you keep trying to see the seer, you actually won’t see anything specific—you won’t see any particular things or processes or events or objects (or, if you do, they’re just more objects—exactly what you are not trying to find). Rather, as you keep relaxing into the seer, all you will find is a sense of release from objects, release from the small and narrow identities with objects that you used to call you. All you will find, in other words, is not another object but an atmosphere of freedom, liberation and release—release from the pain and torment of identifying with a bunch of little objects that come, stay a bit, and pass, lacerating you in the process. According to the mystics, the closer you get to your true self, the greater the sense of infinite freedom.
As I rest in the unknown knower, in this pure self or witness, I might notice something else about this self: It doesn’t move—it isn’t touched by time or motion, date or duration. This transparent witness is aware of time, hence itself is timeless, or existing in the timeless now. The witness is aware of past thoughts, but past thoughts occur now; and the witness is aware of future thoughts, but future thoughts occur now—and when the real past occurred, it was a now moment, and when the real future occurs, it will be a now moment. The only thing the witness is aware of, the only thing that is real, is an endless present, a single now moment through which time passes, but is not itself touched by time at all, yet rather lives in eternity. And eternity does not mean everlasting time but a moment without time. Wittenstein saw it clearly: “If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, eternal life belongs to those who live in the present moment.”
So there’s another hint: The closer you get to your true self, the more you live in eternity; the more you live in the timeless present, which includes thoughts of the past, the present, and the future, all occurring in the timeless now. So think about the past and future all you want: Just watch them arise in the present.
At this point, the contemplative mystics make one of their most controversial claims, so controversial as to seem almost psychotic, and yet they do so in one thundering voice the world over; they make this identical claim from every known culture, at every known period of recorded history, and in every known human language, and they do this so consistently and so unanimously that this claim is very likely the single most universal spiritual claim that humanity has ever made: The closer you get to your true self, the closer you get to God. And when you totally realize the true self, it is seen to be fully one with, even identical with, God or the Godhead or spirit itself, in what the Sufis call the supreme identity.
Now, this clearly does not mean that your empirical self is God, or that John Doe is God or Jane Smith is the Goddess; it means that your transcendental self—your infinite and eternal self—is God or spirit. Or, put a little more accurately, spirit is not in any fashion separate or separated from the transcendental self or all sentient beings. The transcendental self in every sentient being is spirit in that being, and spirit is the true self of all beings. And that means that 100 percent of spirit is present in your true self, in your deeply inward, radiant sense of I AMness.
Let’s pause and look at our list of the mystics’ claims, because we have already touched on most of them:

1. We each have an outer self and an inner self. We saw that the outer self (or the empirical ego) is the self that can be seen, while the inner self (or transcendental self) can never be made an object or thing of any sort, but rather is, among other items, a sense of freedom and a great liberation from the known, from the finite, and from the empirical ego.
2. The inner self lives in a timeless, eternal now. Eternity does not mean everlasting time, but a moment without time, which happens to be exactly this moment, when seen correctly as an endless present encompassing all time. The true self is aware of this ever-present, never-ending, eternal moment, through which all time passes—and, while never entering the stream of time itself, remains as its unmoved witness.
3. The inner self is a great mystery, or pure emptiness and unknowingness. Precisely because it can never be known or made an object, the true self is no-thing-ness, pure mysterium, an ongoing unknown knowingness, or cognizing emptiness, or simply, the great mystery of your own being.
4. The inner self is divine, or perfectly one with infinite spirit in a supreme identity. As St. Thomas put it, if the eyeball were colored red, it couldn’t see red; but because it is clear or redless or colorless, it can see colors. Just so, because the inner self sees space, it is itself spaceless, or infinite; and because it sees time, it is itself timeless, or eternal. And this infinite and eternal self is the home of spirit in you and in each and every sentient being. The overall number of inner selves is but one. Every person feels exactly the way you do when he feels into his own witness or I AMness: Since the true self has no objects or qualities, it can’t be different in anybody; it is the same radiant divine shining in you and me and all of spirit’s creations.
5. Hell is identification with the outer self. Hell is not a place; hell is not somewhere that we go when we are dead; hell is not punishment handed out to us by something or someone else—it is rather our contracting, sinning, separating activity of choosing the wrong self to identify with. We identify with that which we are not, we identify merely and only with the empirical ego, the self that can be seen; and that puny, finite, temporal, limited, and lacerating identity is nothing other than hell. Hell is a horrendous case of mistaken identity. We have forgotten who and what we are, a transcendental self plugged straight into spirit, speaking with the words of God and shining with the radiance of the Goddess. But we identify only with the finite self, the objective self, the self that can be seen, and not the self that is the seer, divine and infinite and eternal.
6. Heaven is the discovery and realization of the inner divine self, the supreme identity. The mystics East and West have long proclaimed that the Kingdom of Heaven is within—because the simple fact is that I AMness is Christ Consciousness, spirit itself, the Godhead in me and as me. The true self in each and every one of us is the true self that Jesus of Nazareth realized—“I and the Father are one”—and that realization, quite simply, transformed him from a temporal Jesus into an eternal Christ, a transformation that he asks us to remember and repeat ourselves.
Of course, this does not mean that my empirical ego is Christ, or that my personal self is Christ. To believe that is, indeed, a schizophrenic delusion. Nobody is saying that my personal self is spirit, but rather that the transcendental witness of that personal self is one with spirit in all beings. Your transcendental self is Christ; your personal self is you.
7. The divine self is one with the all, given in grace and sealed in glory. At some point, as one rests in the inward witness, feeling the atmosphere of freedom, the very sense of an inner self versus an outer self will often vanish, seen for the illusion it is, leaving only the sense of what the mystics call “One Taste.” My transcendental self gives way to nondual suchness, or what Meister Eckhart called “Is-ness.” For spirit is not only the self of all beings, but the such-ness or is-ness or thus-ness of all things. To freedom from any object is thus added the fullness of being one with all objects. I no longer witness the mountains, I am the mountains; I no longer feel the Earth, I am the Earth; I no longer see the ocean, I am the ocean; I no longer pray to spirit, I am spirit. So seamlessly does the world, sacred and profane, arise in one piece that I can find no boundary—not a single fundamentally real boundary—anywhere in the entire universe. There is only the radiant, all-pervading, deeply divine I AMness, within which all the worlds arise and fall, are born and die, explode into being and fade in oblivion, carried along by the one and only thing that is always ever present, even unto the ends of the world: this ultimate mystery in emptiness and release, freedom and fullness, ground and goal, grace and glory, this self of mine that I can no longer find, as the raindrops in their insistent is-ness beat gently on the roof, a beautiful sound of heartbeat thunder, thump, thump, thump, thump, just…like…that…

Special note on this blog:
This series of questions and answers about love, sex and dating was originally written for Brite Girl Magazine, an Orlando, Florida publication devoted to young professional women. B.R.I.T.E. stands for Beautiful, Resourceful, Intelligent, Thoughtful and Emotionally-connected.

Question #1:
Why do men stop calling? Why can’t they at least tell you that they aren’t interested instead of dropping off the planet? And why do I keep attracting a man like this?!

Dear Brite Girl,
The dictionary defines moron as, “any guy who chooses not to pursue a Brite Girl when he meets one.” In my profession, vanishing men are called, “Disappearing Insensitive Communicators”, or, DIC’s, for short. It’s obvious that these DIC’s just aren’t into you. Don’t take it personally.

Frankly, would knowing why a guy’s disappeared make a difference? What are you going to do? Change yourself to make him like you? Maybe the DIC doesn’t call because he’s married; maybe he’s intimidated by your Brite-ness, or maybe he resents women because his mommy put his diapers on too tight! Who knows! And honestly, who cares? He’s not your kind of guy. He’s a DIC. Your kind of guy wants you! Trying to figure out why some men do the things they do is useless. But asking why you attract disappearing men is a very brave and valuable question. I suggest you explore one strong possibility.

The most basic law of love is that opposites attract. Since you’re attracting “splitters,” men who run off, you may be a “clinger.” Is there any neediness in you? Do you have a strong desire to attach? Are you obsessed with finding love? Are you putting out the “you complete me” vibe? Your results indicate that you are. Women who cling always attract men who run. They go together like cookies and milk. But when you realize that you are a goddess, that you are whole, complete and in need of nothing—especially a man—in that moment, you will begin attracting honest, emotionally available men who want nothing more than to be with you.

Question #2:
Does moving in together before marriage scare men and does it decrease the chance that he will propose to me and put a ring on my finger?

Dear Brite Girl,
Finding a man who isn’t a little afraid, if not outright terrified of commitment, is like trying to find a woman who doesn’t like chocolate and shopping! It happens, yes, but it’s extremely rare. The hard-wired priority of the masculine nature is to pursue his chosen mission free of constraint. So at the masculine’s most primitive level, the idea of moving in with a woman (not to mention getting married to her!), feels constraining and therefore puts the fear of God into him. However, a mature evolved man, the kind of man a true Brite Girl wants, realizes that his life partner enhances his ability to give his gift to the world, not detracts from it.

That said, living together will not decrease your chances of getting a ring—only you can do that. If you want to get married, if that’s your heart’s desire, then tell your man that you love him and that getting married is really important to you. If the two of you are close enough to live together, you’re close enough to get married. The idea of living together as an experiment to determine if you are right for one another is altogether misguided. If your relationship has progressed that far, you have (or you better have!) been exclusive for at least six months, worked through a conflict or two, fully disclosed your financial situation, discussed your sexual history and seen how each other live. What more is there to learn? If you are the woman of his dreams and if he’s evolved beyond his innate fear of commitment, he will formally claim you as his woman. If he’s not willing to do that, perhaps he’s not the man of your dreams.

Question 3
With all the responsibilities of life, e.g., being a mom, a career woman, etc., sometimes sex becomes sort of a chore. How do we combat this and keep the spice flowing?

Dear Brite Girl,
You’re kidding, right? What’s not sexy about diapers, Barney videos and soccer games? (Okay, I may have dated myself with the Barney reference.) And just because you’re exhausted by ten hour work days and a recession that just won’t quit, you’re not going to use that as excuse for not being a tiger in bed, are you? Obviously, life does sometimes get in the way of a great sex life, but there are some things you can do to keep it “spicy.”

Before we get into specifics, make sure your intimate relationship is your number one priority. If it falls apart, everything does. Just ask anyone whose parents divorced. Also, understand that as a working woman and/or mother, your sex life will be experienced differently than it was when you were in college. Life has changed but it can still be fun and erotic. Here’s how.

First, recognize that men are like blow torches. Turn their knob and they’re ready to go. But women are more like a crock pots. You need to slowly simmer all day and that means foreplay. Flirt with each other via text; kiss passionately every day; touch each other whenever possible. Second, since you’re simmering and craving one another, perfect the art of the mid-week quickie. Time is short; get a bang for your buck. Third, plan what I call, “booty binges.” Arrange life so that you can linger in bed for hours on a Sunday morning. Find another couple and take each other’s kids for the night or a weekend. Knowing that you have a romantic rendezvous planned is extremely erotic.

Finally, the best thing you can do keep your relationship “spicy” is to resolve any and all conflicts that arise between the two of you. Nothing ruins romance like resentments.