Roy Biancalana
Author and Certified Relationship Coach
www.coachingwithroy.com
roy@coachingwithroy.com

407-687-3387

This is a true story. One of my friends told me that when his father was recently at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, B.C. he found himself in an elevator with Tony Robbins, the world renown personal success guru. Having Tony as a captive audience, he took the opportunity to ask him for advice. He said, “Tony, what’s the secret to success?” Tony’s answer was this: “Find your passion and live it completely and fearlessly.”

Chances are you didn’t fall off your chair at his response, did you? I know I didn’t when I first heard it. It’s not that earth-shattering of an idea and Tony surely isn’t the first one to come up with it. But his answer will rock your world (it did mine) when you make it personal: “Do I know my passion and am I living it completely and fearlessly”? In other words, is your life completely aligned with what you’re most passionate about, and if not, are you willing to do something about it?”

Recently I have become aware that my life has been misaligned. I either didn’t know, or more likely, was unwilling to admit what I was most passionate about, and consequently, I was not living my passion completely. Why? Fear. Let me explain.

I have been coaching for quite a while now, and in that time, I’ve coached all kinds of people with all kinds of problems. And it’s gone well. Most of my clients have made significant improvements in their lives. But when I tune into my deepest heart and ask what I enjoy doing the most, what gives me goose-bumps is working with single people who want to manifest the love of their lives. I absolutely love that topic. I salivate at the idea of working with single people who have experienced disappointing relationships and are also frustrated with the dating scene; and yet, because they still want to love and be loved, they are willing to engage in an intentional, conscious approach to attracting their ideal partner. That gets the blood pumping in me.

Now you might ask, “Why would fear come up?” Well, because whenever you say “yes” to something, you also say “no” to something else. To walk toward something is to walk away from something too. To niche myself as a relationship coach who works with single people, is to say “no” to other kinds of clients. That’s scary. Basically, it’s walking away from potential income. It’s saying “no” to dough.

Here’s why I bring all this up: The more personal, the more universal. In other words, I’ll bet some of you aren’t living your passion completely and fearlessly either. Am I right? It may be that you’re in a job that you aren’t passionate about. It may be that there’s a hobby that you absolutely love, but that you have abandoned. It may be that you’re in an intimate relationship that you’re not passionate about. It may be that you’re living in a part of the country, or even in a home, that you’re not passionate about. And I guarantee that it’s some kind of fear that is keeping you from following your bliss. Living life fully and joyfully is being willing to risk everything for your aliveness.

I’m doing that. Where ever I go and no matter who I’m talking with, I’m telling people that I work with single people who are willing to engage in an intentional five phase process that I have developed to help them manifest the love of their lives. I’m changing my business cards, creating a new logo, redoing my brochures and within a few weeks my website is going to be rewritten. I am completely following my passion. And the result? Well, in the last month, amazingly, my business has taken a big leap! The fear was an illusion.

How about you? Do you know your passion? Are you willing to risk everything to live it fully and completely? Remember what Tony Robbins said: Following your passion is the key to success. And don’t read that in merely monetary terms. Success, in my mind, is happiness. Therefore, following your passion will lead to happiness.

But maybe you don’t know what you’re deepest passion is or how to align your life with it. If that’s the case, you’ll need a coach—but it won’t be me! 

Roy Biancalana
Certified Life and Relationship Coach
www.coachingwithroy.com

With February being the month of love, you will be bombarded with tips about romance and how to make your love life more fulfilling. And that’s fine. But what you’re unlikely to hear about, though, are the sinister forces at work that make a fulfilling love life impossible.

In my experience, love is like the sun—it’s there, it’s already shining. You don’t have to do anything to make the sun shine, you only have to remove the clouds in order to experience its brightness. Love is like that. It’s our natural state. It’s who we are. You and I don’t have to learn how to love as much as we need remove that which blocks it from naturally shining through our lives.

What are the “clouds” that block love from shining brightly through our lives? Well to answer that question, I want to quote an excerpt from my new book which is titled, A Drink with Legs: From Being Hooked to Being Happy—A Spiritual Path to Relationship Bliss.

The premise is this: All relationship pain and discord comes from relying on our partner, or a potential partner, to give us a sense of self, alleviate our loneliness, create a feeling of aliveness or to validate our worth. In other words, relationships don’t work because we’ve bought into the “You Complete Me” mindset made famous by the movie Jerry Maguire.

I believe this mindset is so prevalent and widespread (even in men!—how do you explain porn, strip clubs and lying to women about being married and Tiger Woods?) that I consider it an addiction; in fact, I call it “relationship addiction,” thus the title. Here is how I describe it in chapter 6 of my book:

“The central, underlying belief that allows [the “you complete me” mindset] to flourish, but yet is responsible for our misery, is the belief that a partner’s love is going to save us, heal us, make us happy or whole.

We must lose faith in the idea that love will end our loneliness and make us feel alive. We must lose faith that a partner’s love will make us happy, repair our wounded self-esteem [or validate our masculinity]. We must lose faith in a love “out there” that will make us feel whole, special, safe, seen and secure. As long as we have even a hint of faith in love, the very love we seek will always elude us.

Faith in love has to be shattered. It must be obliterated from your being. It is a cancer. If even a single cell of it remains in your consciousness, a happy, fulfilling relationship is an impossibility. We must understand that:

Jerry Maguire Was Full of Shit!

“You complete me”—we believe that crap!…Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the movie. But the notion, as romantic as it is, that we are incomplete and that another person can complete us, is simply a gross misperception of who we are as Spirit Beings. Soul needs Mate? Better needs Half? The needs One? It’s all a load of crap.

Here are a couple things [I’ve come] to see: First, the reason our relationships have been nightmares is because we believe it’s our partner’s role and responsibility is to meet our needs, whether those needs are emotional, sexual, financial or spiritual. In a very real sense, we have a job description for them…And when they fail to come through for us, and meet our perceived needs, drama breaks out in the form of cheating, pouting, complaining, getting angry or feeling betrayed.

Here’s another realization…[As a former relationship addict myself], I had never been authentically in love—EVER, and neither have you if you’re at all hooked on love. No matter how often I felt like I was in love; no matter how often I said the words, “I love you,” to one of my partners, I never truly loved them because authentic love is a one-way street.

Love asks nothing, needs nothing and requires nothing. It needs no response, no return and no reason. Love has no strings, it has no memory, it incurs no debt and needs no vow. If need exists, love can’t. If want is present, love is absent. Love is not mutual. It is not a two-way street. It is freely given with no thought of reply. Love is unconditional. Always.

And the only way a person can love unconditionally is if they realize that they are absolutely without need, that they are full and that they are complete. In other words, the only way a person can love authentically is if they know who they truly are as Spirit Beings.”

If you want your love life to flourish; if you want to experience the intimate communion that is possible between two human beings; if you want the sun to shine brightly through you, then I invite you to visit my website (www.coachingwithroy.com) where you can download my book or buy the paperback.

Roy Biancalana

Relationship Coach and Former PGA Tour Player

www.coachingwithroy.com

It’s not unusual for men and women to enjoy playing golf. What is unusual is for them to enjoy playing together—especially if they’re intimate partners! A round of golf with your partner can be fun or frustrating. Here are five tips to ensure that your time on the links together is the most enjoyable time of your week.

1.         The Lauper Rule

My first tip is for the men. Why are you playing with your partner? That’s a critical question. If it’s for any other reason than having fun, your round will not be a good experience. Cindy Lauper sang, “Girls just wanna have fun,” and she was right. Couple’s golf is not the time to focus on your score, grind over every shot, demand quiet so you can concentrate, work on your swing or experiment with new equipment. If you’re focus is on anything other than your relationship and having fun together, you will create misery. Even if she’s a serious golfer, when she’s with you, she wants to have fun. Make that your mission.

2.         Don’t Play Doctor

There is an old saying among golf instructors: “Amateurs teaching amateurs produces bad amateurs.” That’s a good idea because most amateurs don’t know what they’re talking about. But it’s really a good idea when your playing partner is your intimate partner. In fact, the saying should be, “Partners teaching partners produces separate bedrooms!” Play with each other; don’t help each other.

3.         Keep Score of Smiles, not Strokes

Many times golfers begin their rounds with a target score they’d like to shoot. We say success would be to shoot, 99, 89, 79 or even 69. And that’s fine. We all like to set a goal and see if we can reach it, so go ahead and keep score. But if you want your day to really be successful, keep track of how many times you can make your partner laugh. Make it your secret goal; actually keep track on your scorecard.

4.         Foreplay

Consider your four hours of play—foreplay. Flirt with each other. Tease each other. Be romantic. Hold hands in the cart. Kiss each other after good shots—and bad ones too. Make wonderfully inappropriate comments. Tell her she looks sexy when she’s putting; tell him he turns you on when he rakes your bunker.  Again, golf isn’t the point. The two of you are. Create sexual tension. When your round ends, you’ll skip the 19^th hole and head straight home!

5.         Let Him Drive

I conclude with a tip for the ladies. Let him drive the cart. This is one time when he probably won’t get lost and need to stop and ask for directions!

Roy Biancalana

Life Coach/ Relationship Coach

www.coachingwithroy.com

407-687-3387

Ingredient #5: Support Mutual Creativity

Ever been to a restaurant and ordered a meal based on the picture on the menu? (This may tell you the kind of restaurants I frequent!) Have you noticed that when the meal arrives at your table it doesn’t look anything like the picture?

Well, I’m afraid you’re going to experience that when you consider this fifth essential ingredient for creating a delicious love life.  For at first, this one is going to look really, really yummy, but once you get a closer look at it, you might realize it’s not all that it was cracked up to be. Let me tell you what I mean.

Imagine having a partner who is not jealous, scared or threatened by your expansion, aliveness and creativity, but actually willing to do what ever they can, short of abandoning their own creative path, to support yours! Doesn’t that “smell” wonderful?  Don’t you want to sink your teeth into a partner that is completely devoted to your full creative expression, to you being all that you were intended to be! Who wouldn’t want to “order” that off the menu?!

But here’s the catch. (There’s always a catch, isn’t there?) You, too, have to be that partner! You have to devote yourself to your partner’s full creative expression as well. This can not be a one-sided affair.  This ingredient, or this fundamental of relationship bliss, means that both partners must mutually agree to support each other’s full creative expression. Does this “dish” still look as delicious to you?—now that you know it must be mutual? Yes? If so, then consider this:

In many relationships, it is not unusual to have one person over-functioning while the other person is under-functioning. The relationship is balanced, but in an unbalanced way.

Now, for both people to support each other’s full creative expression it will mean something has to give.  The under-functioning partner is going to have to step up and take a more active role in the life of the relationship, so that the over-functioning partner can be freed up to pursue their fullest creative expression, if that is what they desire to do.  This does not mean they simply flip-flop, however. It just means that the partner who has been skating and being taken care of by the over functioning partner is going to be required to be a full participating partner in the relationship. And sometimes, they don’t like that. Many under-functioning partners know that if they were to support their partner’s full and complete creative expression in the world, they may have to spend more money, invest more time in the kids, do more chores around the house and generally have a little less “me” time.  This dynamic is very common.  Here’s a couple of examples:

• A woman, while loving her role as a homemaker and wife, has always wanted to be a chef.  But her husband doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Though he may come up with a “good” reason, the real reason is that if she did that, he’d have to step up and do much more around the house and with the kids, spending less time on the golf course.

• A man making a six figure income wants to leave his career and go off on his own and start his own business.  His spouse has enjoyed the fruits of his career, spending her time at the spa, having lunch with friends and playing tennis at the club. But if he does this, she’ll have to go back to work or severely cut back on her lifestyle. She tells him, “With the economy like it is, I don’t think it’s a good time to take a risk.”

So as much as supporting each other’s mutual creativity sounds good, don’t be naïve. Often, when one person decides to follow a dream, the other person is called to power, being asked to end the free-loading joy ride life has been and step fully into the relationship. What I’m describing is a co-committed, co-creative relationship, one that is equal, balance, mutual and ultimately blissful.

One last caveat. Certainly a couple can agree to an era (or even a lifetime) of imbalance. My dad started his company while he worked full-time at another job. He disappeared from the family for about three years and my mom stopped working to be home, compensating for his absence. But she did it willingly and gladly. It was her choice. What my dad was doing was their mission, not only his.

So imbalance is not necessarily wrong. If one person wants to let go of their dreams and desires to support their partner’s, and if they do it consciously and without regret, then it can be a beautiful thing. I’m not arguing that two people should always be chasing their own individual dreams. But I am saying that relationship bliss is when both people commit to support each other fully, and then, from that space, they can decide on how their relationship should look at any given time.

As I close, commit to being a person who supports, encourages, and even demands that your partner live the life that makes them feel most alive! This is what it means to love another person: You want them to have what they want for themselves.

Roy Biancalana

Life Coach / Relationship Coach

www.coachingwithroy.com

407-687-3387

I often think that the reason people are so eager to celebrate New Year’s Eve is not so much because it presents a fresh opportunity to create a preferable future, but because it signifies the end of the holiday season!  For many, “TGIF” stands for, “Thank God It’s Finished!”  

I know I sound like the Scrooge, but beginning at Thanksgiving and continuing all the way through Christmas, we eat too much, spend too much, and—okay, I’ll be the one to say it—we spend way too much time with our families! It’s no wonder we drink heavily on New Year’s Eve! By the time the ball drops in Times Square, we’re often eligible for the Biggest Loser, a government bail out and a long stay at the funny farm.

If you’ve been following this blog, you know that over the past few months I’ve been describing a number of commitments that are essential to experiencing authentic intimacy. I’m continuing that here in this blog, but because it’s the holiday season, I’m broadening my comments to address all relationships, intimate or otherwise.  One of the primary sources of holiday stress results from our interactions with our immediate and extended families.

If you want this holiday season to be blessed and not stressed, I invite you to make one simple shift in the way you communicate—stop criticizing and start appreciating.  As simplistic as it sounds, this shift will bring astounding results, even if you and your family have experienced drama for years.

The shift happens in two stages. The first is to completely eliminate criticism, blame and name-calling from your vocabulary.  Don’t worry about what anyone else says and does—they will probably continue to show up as they have in the past.  Instead, put your attention on what comes out of your mouth.  No judging, gossiping, condemning, guilt-tripping, shaming or “shoulding.”  In other words, eliminate all forms of negative communication from your interactions this holiday season.

The second half of the shift is to fill your family member’s ears with words of appreciation, gratitude, praise, admiration, approval and gratefulness.  Make a conscious effort to verbally appreciate each and every member of your family. Overlook your past hurts and grievances.  Let them go.  See through their quirks and annoying habits and recognize them for who they truly are.  They are made in the image of God (as are you), and if you can let go of the past, you will discover that there is much to appreciate about them.

If you want a holiday season that is blessed and not stressed, no matter how much you think your family members don’t deserve it, end criticism and lavish them with abundant appreciation.  Then stand back and watch you and your entire family be transformed right before your very eyes.

ROY BIANCALANA

Life and Relationship Coach

www.coachingwithroy.com

407-687-3387

OVERVIEW:

The Enneagram (pronounced ANY-a-gram) describes nine different personality or ego types. The purpose of this document is to help you identify your dominant type. By knowing the particular way your personality/ego manifests itself in the world, you will not only escape its prison and live as your Authentic Self, but you will also deepen and enrich your personal and professional life immensely.

The material that follows should help you make sense of how and why others (not to mention yourself!) behave, feel and think as they do, which can open your heart to compassionate understanding. Be careful not to use this tool as a weapon of the ego—judging or condemning yourself or others as right or wrong. We all have a personality type and none of them are better or worse than any other.

In order to help you “Know Thyself,” I have given each type an overall name*, a list of words that describe it and a short paragraph that expresses its essence. This alone should allow you to rule out a bunch of them, narrowing it down to a few. In order to bring further clarity to your self-discovery process, I have also given several other ways to determine your type.  I’ve listed each type’s Motive, Worldview, Basic Fear, what it seeks to Avoid, it’s emotional and energetic Dark Side, it’s Enlightened Virtue, and lastly, the type’s Growth Path.

I’m sure your study of the Enneagram will raise questions. I look forward to discussing them with you. Lastly, if you’re interested, my ego expresses itself in the world as type “3.”

Type 1:  The Perfectionist

Rational, Ethical, Idealistic, Principled, Critical, Conscientious, Self-controlled, Reformer

Ones are ethical and conscientious, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers and crusaders, always striving to improve things but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic.  They typically have problems with repressed anger and impatience. At their best, healthy Ones are wise, discerning, realistic and noble, as well as morally heroic.

• Drive / Motive: To earn love by being perfect
• Worldview: The world is an imperfect place. I work toward perfection.
• Basic Fear: Being “bad,” defective, evil or corrupt
• Avoidances: Any appearance of being deficient or of being wrong
• Passion / Dark Side: Anger
• Enlightened Virtue: Serenity, inner peace
• Growth Path: Acceptance of self, others and the world in general

Type 2: The Helper

Caring, Interpersonal, Generous, Demonstrative, People-pleasing and Possessive

Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous and self-sacrificing, but they can also be sentimental, flattering and people-pleasing. They are driven to be close to others, and they often do things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems taking care of themselves and acknowledging their own needs. At their best, healthy Twos are unselfish and altruistic and have unconditional love for themselves and others.

• Drive / Motive: Ensuring love by being helpful
• Worldview: People depend on my help. I am needed.
• Basic Fear: Being unwanted for themselves alone
• Avoidances: Revealing needs, neediness
• Passion / Dark Side: Pride (in being needed)
• Enlightened Virtue: Humility
• Growth Path: Self-nurture, asking for help

Type 3: The Performer

Success-oriented, Pragmatic, Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, Competitive, human-doing and Image-Conscious

Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, achievement oriented, competent and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for personal advancement. Threes are often concerned about their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At their best, healthy Threes are self-accepting, authentic and everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others.

• Drive / Motive: Winning love through achievement and image
• Worldview: The world values a champion. I must avoid failure.
• Basic Fear: Being worthless apart from achievements
• Avoidances: Failure
• Passion / Dark Side: Deceit
• Enlightened Virtue: Authenticity, honesty
• Growth Path: To see value from being, not doing; telling the truth, being authentic

Type 4: The Individualist

Sensitive, Withdrawn, Expressive, Dramatic, Self-absorbed, Tragic Victim, Temperamental

Fours are self-aware, sensitive, reserved and quiet. They are self-revealing, emotionally honest and personal, but they can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with self-indulgence and self-pity. At their best, healthy Fours are inspired and highly creative, able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

• Drive / Motive: Longing for love that is unavailable, love at a distance
• Worldview: Something is missing; others have it. I have been abandoned.
• Basic Fear: Having no identity or significance
• Avoidances: Despair, simple sadness
• Passion / Dark Side: Envy
• Enlightened Virtue: Emotional balance, equanimity
• Growth Path: Let go of belief in being flawed and self-absorption

Type 5: The Investigator

Intense, Cerebral, Scientist, Perceptive, Observing, Innovative, Secretive, Isolated

Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent and innovative, they can become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense.  They typically have problems with isolation, eccentricity and nihilism. At their best, healthy Fives are visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

• Drive / Motive: Detach from love and expression of strong emotion
• Worldview: The world is invasive. I need privacy to think and to refuel.
• Basic Fear: Being overwhelmed, incapable and helpless
• Avoidances: Emptiness
• Passion / Dark Side: Avarice, stinginess
• Enlightened Virtue: nonattachment
• Growth Path: let go of separation, confidently engage

Type 6: The Loyal Skeptic

Committed, Security-oriented, Engaging, Responsible, a Trooper, Hardworking, Anxious, Fearful and Suspicious

Sixes are reliable, hardworking and responsible, but they can also be defensive, evasive and highly anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They are often cautious and indecisive but can also be reactive, defiant, and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion.  At their best, healthy Sixes are internally stable, self-confident and self-reliant, courageously supporting the weak and powerless.

• Drive / Motive: Questioning love and a rosy future
• Worldview: The world is a threatening place. I question authority.
• Basic Fear: Of having no support and an inability of surviving on their own
• Avoidances: Disloyalty, Forsaking duty, out of alignment with authority
• Passion / Dark Side: Fear
• Enlightened Virtue: Courage
• Growth Path: Self-reliance, sourcing security and support from within

Type 7: The Enthusiast

Busy, Fun-loving, Spontaneous, Versatile, Epicure, Adventurous, Connoisseur, Acquisitive, Over-Committed and Scattered

Sevens are versatile, optimistic, adventurous and spontaneous.  Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also be overextended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but they can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with superficiality and impulsiveness.  At their best, healthy Sevens focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming joyous, highly accomplished, and full of gratitude.

• Drive / Motive: Entitled to be loved and well regarded
• Worldview: The world is full of opportunity, options. I look forward to the future.
• Basic Fear: Of being deprived, trapped in pain
• Avoidances: Pain
• Passion / Dark Side: Gluttony
• Enlightened Virtue: Sobriety
• Growth Path: contentment, facing pain, letting go of external sources of aliveness

Type 8: The Challenger

Powerful, Dominating, The Boss, Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, Protective, Confrontational, Assertive

Eights are self-confident, strong, certain, and assertive.  Protective, resourceful, and decisive, they can also be proud and domineering.  Eights feel that they must control their environment, often becoming confrontational and intimidating. They typically have problems with allowing themselves to be close to others.  At their best, healthy Eights are self-mastering—they use their strength to improve other’s lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and sometimes historically great.

• Drive / Motive: Expressing love through protection and power
• Worldview: The world is an unjust place. I protect the innocent.
• Basic Fear: Of being controlled and/or overpowered
• Avoidances: Weakness, vulnerability
• Passion / Dark Side: Lust, vengeance
• Enlightened Virtue: Innocence
• Growth Path: Let go of need to control, let down guard, open to intimacy

Type 9:  The Peacemaker

Easygoing, Self-effacing, Mediator, Stubborn, Receptive, Agreeable, Complacent

Nines are accepting, trusting and stable.  They are good-natured, kind-hearted, easygoing and supportive but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to be without conflict but can tend to be complacent and minimize anything upsetting. They typically have problems with passivity and stubbornness.  At their best, healthy Nines are indomitable and all-embracing; they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

• Drive / Motive: Merging with loved ones, losing boundaries
• Worldview: The world won’t value my efforts. Stay comfortable. Keep the peace.
• Basic Fear: Of separation and loss of connection
• Avoidances: Conflict
• Passion / Dark Side: Sloth, inactivity, idle
• Enlightened Virtue: Action
• Growth Path: Say “no,” express anger, own personal value and importance

* This document has been compiled from a couple of excellent books on the Enneagram, all of which I highly recommend if you wish to further study this most helpful tool.  They are listed below.  If you wish to study on-line, you are encouraged to visit, www.enneagramworldwide.com; and www.enneagraminstitute.com. To discover your type go to: www.eclecticenergies.com, and click on “Enneagram Test” under the heading “Energy and the Enneagram,” then click on “classic test.”

1.  The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types; Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson.

2.  The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram: Nine Faces of the Soul; Sandra Maitri.

3.  The Enneagram in Love and Work: Understanding Your Intimate & Business Relationships; Helen Palmer.

Roy Biancalana

Life Coach / Relationship Coach

www.coachingwithroy.com

407-687-3387

A beautiful Christmas Carol proclaims, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” Really? When we stop to consider the parties, decorating, shopping, traveling, cooking and visiting family members, and then factor in this struggling economy and how that might impact our holiday season, it may be more accurate to say, “It’s the most stressful time of the year.” But thankfully, we have the sweet little dog, Max, from the Christmas poem, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, to teach us about overcoming holiday stress.

Little Max, as you recall, found himself all stressed out one holiday season. After his master, the Grinch, stole all of Whoville’s toys and presents, he loaded them up on his sleigh and then attached the huge sleigh to poor Max, assigning him the responsibility of pulling everything they had accumulated up the steep and slippery slopes of Mt. Crumpit. Suffice it to say that Max was under a significant amount of stress and from his situation we can learn three things: 

1. Attaching Creates Stress

Max was attached to something that was beyond his ability to control—a huge, heavy sleigh.  Likewise, if we are attached to things like material possessions (or lack thereof), intimate relationships, our image in other people’s eyes, or even our physical health, we will feel stress. Stress is the result of trying to control the uncontrollable. We cannot control the economy, our partners, our kids, our image or our health. But often we attach to those things and we feel like Max, weighed down with too much strapped to our backs. Max teaches us to “let go.”

2. Assigning Blame Creates Stress

Another cause of stress in our lives is playing the victim, blaming others for what is occurring in our lives. It would be understandable if little Max thought, “Mr. Grinch is such a jerk! Look at what he is forcing me to do!” But whenever we blame our plight on another, we disown our power and our ability to create our destiny. With the victim mentality, our happiness, health, peace and prosperity are in someone else’s hands—and that creates a huge load of inner stress. Max teaches us to “let go” of the victim mentality.

3. Accumulating Feelings Creates Stress

Without question, though, the single greatest cause of stress in our lives is the accumulation of unexpressed feelings. Max accumulated a lot of stuff in Whoville.  And when we accumulate emotions and feelings and do not handle them appropriately, our body is racked with stress. Unexpressed emotion jeopardizes our health, inhibits real intimacy, and saps our aliveness and vitality. Accumulating feelings, rather than appropriately expressing them, is the surest way to live a stressful life. Max teaches us to “let go” of our feelings.

But if we can find the courage to unhook ourselves from these patterns, it can, indeed, be “the most wonderful time of the year.”

Roy Biancalana

Life Coach / Relationship Coach

www.coachingwithroy.com

407-687-3387

Permit me to vent a little bit. I am sick and tired of people in the media stereotyping men as being Neanderthals when it comes to intimacy and communication. For example, the other day my wife showed me an article written in Oprah’s magazine in which some “expert” was saying men don’t like to talk about their feelings, share their fears or even make eye contact with “their” woman in conversation. The writer said it had something to do with our biology and history as cavemen.

Well, men, I don’t know about you, but my knuckles don’t drag on the ground! We’re not cavemen; we’re not the stereotypical 1950s male; we’re not our fathers. We are evolving. We can and do talk about how we feel, and this article is designed to continue this evolutionary process.

If you’ve been following this blog, you know that last month we began a series on the Relationship Fundamentals. We said that intimacy is just like any sport: Success results from mastering the fundamentals, doing the “little things” impeccably well. And we said the first “little thing,” the first relationship fundamental, was to “stop blaming and take responsibility.” Blame is like a football team not being able to tackle. You can’t win if you can’t tackle and you can’t win in intimacy if you blame. It’s as simple as that.

Fundamental #2: Reveal Rather Than Conceal

Now we turn our attention to this month’s fundamental, and I’ll be the first to admit that it can be frightening. This month’s fundamental is to “Reveal Rather Than Conceal.”

In a great relationship, partners live out loud with each other. They tell each other the truth—the microscopic truth. Feelings, wants, decisions, thoughts, emotions and questions are not concealed, they are revealed. Intimacy is transparency. If you conceal, hide and withhold from your partner, you are not in a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, partners don’t protect each other from the truth, they respect and value each other (and themselves!) enough to reveal it. The saying, “What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” is a blatant lie. In my experience, and I do have some in this area, living incongruently and being out of integrity erodes your soul, saps your aliveness and often leads to physical and/or financial disaster. 

I admit, however, that if you reveal rather than conceal, it might get a little dicey between you and your partner. That was my experience. Space does not permit me to share my full story, but suffice it to say that I led a relational double life for a little over a year. And contrary to what you might see in the movies, it’s a horrible way to live. I was a professional concealer and I can tell you it doesn’t work. But what does work, and I know this from experience too, is being a revealer. Being open, transparent and honest—living out loud—ultimately creates harmony, happiness and closeness. Remember, there are only two paths in a relationship. The first is love, which means you reveal in order to relate; and the second is fear, which means you conceal in order to control. Those are the only two paths open to you. One leads to “heaven,” the other to “hell.” And trust me, as I’ve said, I’ve been to hell.

That said, I don’t want to give you the impression that only the “big” stuff needs to be revealed. Most men, thankfully, aren’t living double lives. Yet, if we want a great love life, we also need to refuse to withhold, hide or conceal even the “little” things. Reveal your feelings, fears, mistakes, beliefs, needs, actions, dreams and decisions. Your partner can handle it. If they can’t love and accept you for who you are and what you’re experiencing in life, then so be it. Remember, your absolute highest priority in life is to be you and to hold nothing back. If your partner (or anyone for that matter) can’t handle who you are, then why would you want to be with them anyway? You deserve to be loved for who you are, not for who your partner, or anyone else, wants you to be.

Live out loud. Tell the microscopic truth. Make your inner conversation public. Be transparent and open. Don’t control your partner, but love them enough to tell them the truth. Reveal what you have the urge to hide. In my experience, though it might get ugly for a time, a commitment to this fundamental leads to intimacy, trust and bliss. Though this might seem daunting, it’s not. It’s so easy even a caveman can do it.

Roy Biancalana

Life Coach / Relationship Coach

www.coachingwithroy.com

407-687-3387

Being selfish is essential if you desire to have a fulfilling and healthy love life. I know that sounds crazy, so let me explain.

I’m not championing self-absorption and the total disregard for others. That’s what I call narcissistic selfishness. I’m talking about Sacred Selfishness. I am saying that you cannot have relationship bliss if you are not following your bliss. And your bliss is found in heeding your inner voice, being faithful to your creative path and engaging in activities that make you feel vibrant and alive.

When flying, we’re told that in the event of an emergency, we’re to put on our oxygen mask before we help anyone else with theirs. That’s what I mean by Sacred Selfishness. As important as our partners, parents, friends and kids are, our aliveness must take precedence. You are the priority, for you are no good to anybody if you are “dead.” You must not lose your self. (By the way, for those of you who are familiar with the Bible, when it says to “deny yourself,” that’s referring to your ego not your aliveness.)

Your aliveness is sacred, and you must protect it like a mother bear protects her cubs. If you put your partner or the stability of your relationship ahead of your aliveness, you will probably end up depressed, addicted or involved in an extramarital affair.

Many people believe that sacrifice and compromise are key fundamentals in healthy relationships. It’s actually just the opposite. The purpose of a relationship is the growth and expansion of the individuals in it. A truly healthy and blissful relationship is one in which neither partner is giving up anything of importance in exchange for being in the relationship. Sacrifice and compromise are red flags. In most cases, if two people are willing to work at it, both partners can have what they want, for there are many creative solutions that can be found.

The best gift you can give your partner, your kids, your friends and your career is a Self that is in love with life. And that usually means being sacredly selfish about three areas of life…

The first area is your inner voice.
One thing I’ve always loved about Jesus was how he modeled this. Most of us see Jesus as a very unselfish being, and in the narcissistic sense, he was. But if you tried to distract him from following his inner voice, look out. On one occasion, Peter tried to do that and Jesus called him Satan! Before you listen to, or get distracted by any other voices in your life, i.e., your kids, partner, parents, boss, etc., hear your voice and give it priority.

The second area is your creative path.
Each of us has come into the world to make a contribution. We are here to express ourselves and offer our gifts. That is what I mean by your creative path. That may be anything from raising children to starting a business to being President of the United States. Your aliveness is intimately connected to how fully you live your creative path and you cannot allow anything or anyone to stand in your way.

The last area is your activities.

Engaging in activities that make you feel vibrant and alive is the last component of Sacred Selfishness. Simply put, you have the right to do things that make you feel happy and joyful. Your role in life is not to help everyone else enjoy life, but to model joyous living for them. I’m going to say something controversial here. The idea of spending quantity time with your children is bunk if it means you must cut out activities that rejuvenate and enliven you. Your kids are better off having one hour with a happy parent, than four hours with a depressed one. Quality really is more important than quantity.

Roy Biancalana

Life Coach/ Relationship Coach

www.coachingwithroy.com

407-687-3387

Ingredient #5: Support Mutual Creativity

Ever been to a restaurant and ordered a meal based on the picture on the menu? (This may tell you the kind of restaurants I frequent!) Have you noticed that when the meal arrives at your table it doesn’t look anything like the picture?

Well, I’m afraid you’re going to experience that when you consider this fifth essential ingredient for creating a delicious love life.  For at first, this one is going to look really, really yummy, but once you get a closer look at it, you might realize it’s not all that it was cracked up to be. Let me tell you what I mean.

Imagine having a partner who is not jealous, scared or threatened by your expansion, aliveness and creativity, but actually willing to do what ever they can, short of abandoning their own creative path, to support yours! Doesn’t that “smell” wonderful?  Don’t you want to sink your teeth into a partner that is completely devoted to your full creative expression, to you being all that you were intended to be! Who wouldn’t want to “order” that off the menu?!

But here’s the catch. (There’s always a catch, isn’t there?) You, too, have to be that partner! You have to devote yourself to your partner’s full creative expression as well. This can not be a one-sided affair.  This ingredient, or this fundamental of relationship bliss, means that both partners must mutually agree to support each other’s full creative expression. Does this “dish” still look as delicious to you?—now that you know it must be mutual? Yes? If so, then consider this:

In many relationships, it is not unusual to have one person over-functioning while the other person is under-functioning. The relationship is balanced, but in an unbalanced way.

Now, for both people to support each other’s full creative expression it will mean something has to give.  The under-functioning partner is going to have to step up and take a more active role in the life of the relationship, so that the over-functioning partner can be freed up to pursue their fullest creative expression, if that is what they desire to do.  This does not mean they simply flip-flop, however. It just means that the partner who has been skating and being taken care of by the over functioning partner is going to be required to be a full participating partner in the relationship. And sometimes, they don’t like that. Many under-functioning partners know that if they were to support their partner’s full and complete creative expression in the world, they may have to spend more money, invest more time in the kids, do more chores around the house and generally have a little less “me” time.  This dynamic is very common.  Here’s a couple of examples:

• A woman, while loving her role as a homemaker and wife, has always wanted to be a chef.  But her husband doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Though he may come up with a “good” reason, the real reason is that if she did that, he’d have to step up and do much more around the house and with the kids, spending less time on the golf course.

• A man making a six figure income wants to leave his career and go off on his own and start his own business.  His spouse has enjoyed the fruits of his career, spending her time at the spa, having lunch with friends and playing tennis at the club. But if he does this, she’ll have to go back to work or severely cut back on her lifestyle. She tells him, “With the economy like it is, I don’t think it’s a good time to take a risk.”

So as much as supporting each other’s mutual creativity sounds good, don’t be naïve. Often, when one person decides to follow a dream, the other person is called to power, being asked to end the free-loading joy ride life has been and step fully into the relationship. What I’m describing is a co-committed, co-creative relationship, one that is equal, balance, mutual and ultimately blissful.

One last caveat. Certainly a couple can agree to an era (or even a lifetime) of imbalance. My dad started his company while he worked full-time at another job. He disappeared from the family for about three years and my mom stopped working to be home, compensating for his absence. But she did it willingly and gladly. It was her choice. What my dad was doing was their mission, not only his.

So imbalance is not necessarily wrong. If one person wants to let go of their dreams and desires to support their partner’s, and if they do it consciously and without regret, then it can be a beautiful thing. I’m not arguing that two people should always be chasing their own individual dreams. But I am saying that relationship bliss is when both people commit to support each other fully, and then, from that space, they can decide on how their relationship should look at any given time.

As I close, commit to being a person who supports, encourages, and even demands that your partner live the life that makes them feel most alive! This is what it means to love another person: You want them to have what they want for themselves.