Likewise, on the spiritual path, there are “hazards,” places we don’t want to go. And to experience a successful spiritual journey means avoiding one “trouble spot” in particular. In this month’s newsletter, I’d like to point out what might be the biggest, most dangerous hazard or trouble spot for those on the spiritual path. In a word, it’s regret.

Having been on the self-awareness path for quite some time now, let me tell you what will undoubtedly happen to you, if it hasn’t already. When you look within, you will see your life and the way you’ve lived it with a kind of clarity that will leave you dumbfounded, saying, “Omg! What was I thinking? How could I have done something so stupid? I’m ashamed of myself! What was the matter with me? I can’t believe I did that!”

In my experience, regret happens to everyone who embarks on the spiritual path. By definition, the spiritual journey, especially early on, is about self-awareness, which means waking up to our blind spots, our real motives and the damage done by being governed by our crazed egos. In other words, our evolution begins by facing our insanity, our unconscious patterns, our mistakes—frankly—our shit.

This is horrifying. When we see the damage we’ve done to our lives, or our kids, our partners, our bodies, our careers, our friends, etc., etc., a mixture of grief, guilt, shame, and profound, almost unbearable regret arises in our soul.

What we do at this point will determine whether we continue to open and evolve into who we really are, or, whether we spiral into negativity and possibly abandon our spiritual path altogether. Regret is deeply disheartening and can cause us to turn back, returning to the numbed-out, self-medicating, drama-filled life we used to live. So, make no mistake about it—regret is a dangerous “hazard” on the spiritual path.

Back in 1995, I was living in St. Louis, pastoring a church I started a few years earlier. I had left the PGA Tour to follow what I thought was a calling from God to serve Him and use my life to build His Kingdom. It was around that time that I embarked on my self-awareness journey. (I talk about this in detail in my book, A Drink with Legs, but I’ll give you the Cliff Notes version here.)

What I found back then, when I faced my true motives, filled me with regret. I discovered that I was more concerned about building my kingdom than God’s. I wasn’t serving Him. I was serving my ego’s needs to be seen as special, successful and spiritual. This awareness floored me. I can still see in my mind’s eye the exact place I was standing when this awareness hit me. It’s that vivid.

I was horrified to face the fact that my life was not about God but about my huge, needy ego. Here I was the pastor, the preacher, the leader of a growing Christian community, yet my life was NOT about God—at all. It was about me. This knocked the wind out of me. (I resigned a number of months later.) The regret I felt was palpable and if it weren’t for a very evolved mentor in my life, I might have spiraled into a deep depression and maybe given up on myself altogether.

If you embark on the spiritual journey, you will be faced with a similar awareness. It might not be about your true career motivations, as it was for me, but it might be about the way you’ve raised your kids, or how you’ve related to your intimate partners, or why there’s so much drama between you and your family and friends or why you’ve struggled with your weight all your life. I don’t know the source of your regret. All I know is that if you choose self-awareness over a life lived unconsciously and numbed-out, you’ll face regret when you wake up to your unconscious patterns.

Let me give you a simple, yet profound illustration to help you avoid the “hazardous” effects of regret and continue to open and evolve into who you truly are.

Have you ever had a new puppy in your home? If you have (or even if you haven’t), you know what they do, don’t you? The adorable little thing pees on your carpet and chews on your shoes, right?

While peeing on the carpet and chewing on your shoes might be really frustrating and annoying, the puppy isn’t being bad, is it? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with the dog. It’s not making a mistake. You would never say to the puppy, “How could you? What’s the matter with you? You should know better!”

It doesn’t know better. It’s doing what puppies do. They pee on the carpet and chew on shoes. The puppy is simply acting in accordance with its level of maturity. Its actions reflect its stage of development. The puppy is being a puppy. Its behavior is congruent with its level of understanding—at that moment.

Eventually the puppy will grow and be trained to pee outside and not chew on shoes. But in this moment, when it’s just a puppy, it’s behaving like one. It can’t do otherwise. The puppy can never—ever—behave in a way that doesn’t reflect its level of maturity.

I ask you to stop right now and take a deep, slow breath. “Drop in” and get what I’m about to say—deep in the marrow of your bones.

At every moment of your life, you have been, and always will be, acting in accordance with your level of maturity in that moment. It cannot be otherwise. You are the “puppy.” No matter what you’ve done, no matter how stupid you think you were, no matter how much you think you should have known better or acted differently or made different choices, you were simply reflecting your level of development and understanding in that moment. In other words, you could NOT have done differently.

I have let go of the regret I felt about how I was serving my ego instead of God’s kingdom because that’s all I knew in the moment. I was a puppy, reflecting my stage of consciousness at the time. Back then, if I had the self-awareness I do now, I would have done it differently. But it’s silly and unfair to project my current level of self-awareness onto the guy I was back then. And so it is with you.

Jesus understood this. While he was on the cross being mocked and crucified, he famously said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” He understood that the people who were killing him were doing what they thought was right. They were acting in accordance with their level of understanding and development at that moment.

And you, my friend, whether it was yesterday, last month or decades ago, can forgive yourself for “you knew not what you did” either. You were a puppy back then, peeing on the carpet and chewing on shoes.

If you get this, you’ll quickly realize why all true spiritual teachers say that there are no mistakes in life—there are only actions that are congruent with your current stage of consciousness.

Make a list of all the things about your life that you regret. Now, close your eyes and visualize yourself, back in those moments, as a little adorable puppy, doing the only thing you knew how to do—“peeing on the carpet and chewing on shoes.” Can you love that little “puppy” and let go of your regret? It’s a waste of time and energy to hold on to it.

Can you now, instead, put your attention, not on the past, but on this present moment and use that freed up energy to more fully open up to who you are?

All three movies were relatively popular when they came out and you may have seen them. If not, you’ll be truly served by doing so. If you have seen them, I encourage you to watch them again and look for the message they communicate.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith
This is a fun action/adventure film, featuring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The movie opens with the two of them in marriage counseling. Not only is their relationship stale and lifeless, their sex life non-existent. They are emotionally distant from one another.

Soon we discover why. They are both CIA type operatives, trained killers in fact, yet neither of them knows that about the other! Their real identities are a secret. They’re both living a lie. In fact, neither knows much of anything about the other. As the movie progresses, predictably, the truth comes out and it’s fun to watch the drama that ensues.

However, the message part of the movie is delivered at the end when we see them back in the same therapist’s office discussing their relationship after the truth has come out. It’s completely transformed! There’s humor, warmth, closeness and they make a point of telling the therapist how great their sex life has become.

The message is obvious: Secrets create separation and eliminate passion, while revealing creates intimacy and rekindles romance. The movie asks us to look for how we are hiding our authentic selves and/or keeping secrets from our partner’s, and instead, commit to the path of truth-telling and full disclosure.

It should be noted, however, that such a shift from concealing to revealing might lead to some conflict and fighting as it did for Brad and Angelina. They literally tried to kill each other in this movie. But if we work through what’s revealed, we too can end up with deep, satisfying intimacy and a much improved sex life.

Runaway Bride
This is another movie worth watching, if for no other reason than the co-stars are gorgeous. But it too has a great message. The movie stars Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, but it is really about Roberts’ evolution as a woman.

Julia Roberts plays a character who has left four men at the alter, thus the title. As the movie progresses, we learn that in her relationships, she morphs into the woman the men in her life want her to be. When her man loves sports, she loves sports. When her man wants to climb a mountain on their honeymoon, she wants to climb a mountain on her honeymoon. If her man likes scrambled eggs, she likes scrambled eggs.

When she falls in love with Gere and is about to marry him, she runs away again. But this time, she doesn’t run into the arms of another man, she spends some time on her own—finding herself, learning who she is and what she wants.

As the movie ends, she returns to Gere telling him she likes Eggs Benedict. Gere doesn’t understand so she shares her realization that she’s been a chameleon when it comes to men. She’s had no sense of herself, but became the women her men wanted. Now that she knows who she is, she’s ready for a lasting relationship.

The message is clear and powerful. You have to establish a strong sense of self before you can establish a strong intimacy. If you are afraid of being alone, if you are so desperate for love that you’ll become whoever you need to be in order to get someone to commit to you, you’re love life is doomed. This seems obvious, but in my experience as a relationship coach, it is THE most common “mistake” people make. In fact, I’ve written a whole book on the subject. There has to be a “you” before you can create an “us.”

Jerry McGuire
This movie, in my opinion, is the best relationship message movie ever made. I could have written the whole article on this movie alone because it has a number of great messages.

First, there’s a message about male relationships, brilliantly depicted by Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Tom Cruise, about how men can challenge one another to wake up and live lives of integrity.

Secondly and strangely, it also has the absolute worst relationship message/cliché ever spoken in film!—“You complete me.” Again, my whole book is devoted to how common, yet dysfunctional that belief is, so I won’t spend much time on it here. Suffice it to say that we are complete, and to believe otherwise, as nearly everyone does, leads to drama, control and conflict when the other person invariably fails to complete you.

The best message found in Jerry McGuire is one that will be missed by almost everyone. It’s the scene where Renee Zellwegger is ending her relationship with Cruise. As they talk in the backyard, she realizes that Cruise, her husband, is not interested in, or maybe even capable of intimacy. Yet she doesn’t blame or criticize him for it. She’s in pain, for sure, but there’s absolutely no drama, conflict or arguing.

While this movie is famous for such lines as, “You had me at hello,” and “you complete me,” the best line, the one I wish this movie was famous for is, “I did this and I can do something about it.”

“I did this…” She refuses to blame and instead takes responsibility for the condition of their relationship. She sees her part. She reflects on Cruise’s marriage proposal, saying she so desperately wanted to believe it was a true reflection of his heart. Now she realizes it might have simply been a hypothetical question.

The message of this movie is to take responsibility for the condition of your relationship and stop blaming the other person. When you do that, you open to the possibility for true transformation to occur, for if you did it, you can do something about it.

Conclusion
These are great movies to watch over and over again. For they remind us, and burn into our consciousness, that true, lasting intimacy is about:
• Revealing rather than concealing
• Finding “you” before you even consider an “us”
• Ending blame and taking responsibility

See you at the movies!

The examples are numerous. In the world of business, you’d be hard pressed to find a CEO of a Fortune 500 company that doesn’t have someone in his or her life that works privately with them at being more effective. This is also true in the world of sports. Back when I was playing golf for a living I had a fitness trainer, a sports psychologist and a swing instructor. An entourage like that is true for every serious athlete in any sport.

However, seeking the support of others to ensure success is not limited to professional athletes and corporate executives. It’s something we all do—if we’re wise. When we feel stuck, confused or lost in some area of our lives, we reach out for help.

This is especially true when we feel stuck or lost in our personal and/or relational lives. During those dark and disappointing moments, many are brave enough to reach out for support and guidance. Sometimes people read self-help books, attend workshops, talk to church leaders, consult an energy worker or even get a reading from a psychic. However, for many people, when they’re stuck and confused, they usually consider working with a therapist or a coach.* If that’s you, then it is critical that you understand the difference between therapists and coaches because their focus is completely different.

Simply put, therapy is about healing; coaching is about mastery.

Therapy is about mending brokenness and recovering, while coaching is about living artfully and exceptionally. Both are beautiful and necessary, yet they are very different.** Which do you need at this point in your life? The purpose of this article is to help you make the right choice. It’s my belief that the vast majority of us need one or the other at any given point in our lives—if we desire to live exceptional lives. We either need to be patched up (therapy) or shown how to get to the next level (coaching). To help you determine which is right for you in this moment, allow me to use a graphic and admittedly bizarre metaphor.

Imagine you love golf and that you’d like to become a really good golfer. There’s an art to hitting a golf ball consistently well and you’d like to learn that skill. But right now, your game is awful. You don’t know what’s wrong or how to fix your swing, so you wisely decide to seek help.

For fun, let’s say I’m a golf instructor/coach (which I used to be) and you’re going to allow me to coach you because I’m a master at golf. It’s my profession and I’m an expert. But on the way to the lesson, you get in a car accident and break your leg. It’s mangled; there’s even a bone sticking out! But you’re a golf nut and you really want to play better, so you come to the lesson anyway—with the broken leg. You want me to teach you the art of hitting a golf ball long and straight.

So I’m on the driving range and here you come, severely limping, bleeding and wincing in pain, yet carrying your clubs on your shoulder. You say, “Pro, I’m here for my lesson. My game sucks but I really want to play well and I’m hoping you can help me fix my swing.”

My response would be obvious. I’d say, “You’re in no condition to hit a golf ball! I don’t care how much you love golf and want to play it skillfully; you’ve got a broken leg! I can’t work with you. You’re injured. Right now you need to heal. Go to the emergency room and fix that leg. When it’s healed, come back and I’ll coach you on how to play golf.”

The meaning of this insane metaphor is obvious, I hope. As a life and relationship coach, people come to me because they’re stuck in some way. You could say their “golf game” sucks. They are dissatisfied with their personal or relational lives. And because I’ve mastered those areas in my own life, my role is to show them how to get unstuck and live artfully and skillfully in their lives.

But sometimes people come into my office with a “broken leg,” meaning, that in that moment, they are emotionally and psychologically “injured, bleeding and wincing in pain.” They aren’t ready to live and love artfully. It’s premature. They need to heal. Let me be specific here.

If you were abused physically, sexually or verbally as a child, and you have never talked about that and processed that with a therapist, you need to do that first before you try to live and love artfully. You can’t do it with a “broken leg.” You can try, but it won’t work. You’ll just hurt yourself and others in the process.

If you were raised by an alcoholic parent or had a family member die when you were young or suffered some other kind of traumatic event in your life—and never talked about it or processed it with a therapist—you aren’t ready to talk about how to live an exceptional life. You need to heal first.

In other words, you have to deal with your “broken leg.” You can’t be in denial about your past, you can’t be ignoring it or suppressing your feelings about it. Obviously you can’t change the past or forget it. Healing does NOT mean that. Therapy and healing is facing, owning and expressing all of your feelings about your “broken leg,” coming to a place of acceptance and peace about your “injury” and seeing how you’ve been unconsciously conditioned and programmed by the events of your past.

Once you’ve come to terms with your “broken leg,” and it doesn’t take long, then you’re ready to come back to the driving range and allow me teach you how to master the game of golf. You have to have a functional body-mind in order to make art with your life.

There’s the possibility of major misunderstanding here, so let me be crystal clear. Even after therapy, even after you’ve owned your past and made peace with it, seeing how it has conditioned your body-mind, even after all that healing has occurred, that doesn’t mean you will never be affected by it any longer. Like I said earlier, you will never forget your past and you will have scars. Let’s go back to my crazy metaphor.

When you went to the emergency room (therapy) for the broken leg you suffered in the car accident, they put pins put in your leg to set the bone. Then you wore a cast for 6-8 weeks and when you got that off, you went to physical therapy to regain the strength in your leg. All that healing and rehabbing doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t walk with a limp the rest of your life. You might. Healing doesn’t mean there won’t be any lasting effects of the wounds you suffered in childhood. There may be scars; you may walk with a “limp.”

However, healing does mean that your body-mind functions well enough so that you can live and love artfully—in spite of and with your “limp.”

I’ve seen a man with only one arm play golf with skill and joy. I’ve seen people paralyzed from the waist down play golf masterfully. They modify a golf cart and hit the ball while sitting in it. Hell, Tiger Woods won the 2009 U.S. Open playing with a stress fracture in his leg and a bum knee!

You can experience abuse, alcoholism, abandonment or some other kind of trauma in your past and learn to live and love though it and in spite of it. Having once “broken your leg” doesn’t mean you can never play golf masterfully. You can master the art of living and loving—and make no mistake, it is an art—with wounds. They just can’t be open wounds. If you’re currently injured, bleeding and wincing in pain you first have to heal before you can focus on making art with your life.

Much of the discord and drama that is experienced in relationships is because one or both people are trying to relate with “broken legs.” They have open, bleeding wounds that have never been mended. When that happens, the injured person is expecting the other to somehow heal their wounds. That never works and it creates even more injury and pain.

I had a client who was dating a woman who was sexually abused when she was a little girl. She had never talked about it or processed it with a therapist. One day she would push him away; the next she’d want to be close. Back and forth it would go. He was confused and they had all sorts of drama. She couldn’t fully trust men. She had never healed her “broken leg.” I told him that there was no way the two of them could create an artful, healthy relationship until she went to the “emergency room” and healed up.

So, do a little self-evaluation. Is your body-mind functional and healthy enough to focus on living and loving artfully? Or do you need to talk to a therapist about the wounds that you’ve never spoken of before? Where do you belong right now? In the “emergency room” or on the “practice tee” with me? Do what’s best for you. Trust your instincts. Just bare in mind that you don’t need to talk about your story with a therapist for years and years. You only need to own all of your feelings about it and understand how it has warped your view of life and love. That can happen relatively quickly. Then call me and I’ll teach you how to swing!

Roy Biancalana
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

* In this context, I use the term “therapist” to refer to all traditionally educated, state licensed professional who take insurance, e.g., psychiatrists, psychologists, mental health professionals, marriage and family therapists, substance abuse counselors and traditional therapists.

I use the term “Coach” to refer to someone whose credibility comes not through state licensing, but through personal experience and individual mastery of their chosen profession. The difference is most easily seen when comparing an M.D. to a golf instructor. Yes, golf instructors can have extensive training, but their credibility comes through their personal experience in the game rather than years of formal education.

**Admittedly, therapist sometimes function as coaches, helping their clients live or relate artfully in some way, and coaches sometimes have to do some therapeutic, healing work. If I were to include all these nuances as I write, this article would become cumbersome and sloppy. What I’m communicating about the differences between therapists and coaches is generally true, it’s just not always true.

Unintended Consequences
This trend is a very good thing for single adults, but it comes with an unintended consequence. Since you can easily have two or three first dates in a week (I know this is true from personal experience), the problem is no longer getting into relationships, but getting out of them!

Here’s the dilemma: With the plethora of new ways to meet people, your chances at meeting someone with whom you share chemistry and compatibility skyrockets. That’s the good news. The bad new is—and this is the unintended consequence—you won’t like most of them! That means you’re going face a lot more of those awkward “I’m just not into you” moments.

Most people really don’t like the “dear john” type conversations and they avoid them like the plague. That’s understandable. No one enjoys the idea of hurting someone’s feelings. But if we don’t commit to speaking our truth, we risk:

• Staying too long in a relationship that we know isn’t right for us, just because we fear hurting their feelings;
• Dishonoring another human being by simply disappearing and/or not returning their calls;
• Compromising our integrity by making up lame excuses like, “I’m just not over my ex,” or “things are really too busy at work for me to focus on a relationship,” (or some other b.s. line like that);
• Withdrawing from the dating scene altogether fearing the possibility of hurting someone’s feelings if it doesn’t work out. (I have a client who won’t ask girls out because he’s afraid he might one day hurt their feelings.)

If we are to be conscious, loving, emotionally healthy human beings, we must discard these dishonest and ultimately self-sabotaging “exit strategies” and come to terms with this whole paralyzing idea of hurting someone’s feelings.

The Real Motive
At first glance, not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings appears to be a compassionate, noble thing. In my experience, however, when I disappeared on women or directly lied to them about my feelings, it wasn’t their feelings I was protecting, it was my own. My dishonestly was selfishly motivated.

If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll discover the same is probably true for you. You’d rather not have to endure the sad look in their eyes, the hurt and confusion in their voice, their questions as to why or the anger they may express. It isn’t them you’re really protecting; it’s you you’re protecting. So the first thing we have to get straight is that when we withhold our truth, we’re protecting our own feelings, not there’s.

Why am I so sure this is true? Ask yourself this: would you rather someone disappear on you without a trace or outright lie to you—or—would you prefer they look you in the eye and simply say that continuing to see you isn’t right for them? I have never heard anyone say they’d prefer to be left completely in the dark than be told the truth.

A False Assumption
Now, let’s look at is this whole idea that we can actually hurt someone’s feelings in the first place. It’s an assumption and it’s a false one. We cannot hurt another person’s feelings. We aren’t that powerful. We don’t have the ability to cause or control how a person feels. They are responsible for their feelings, as we are responsible for ours.

If you say to someone, “You are a really nice person, but I don’t feel the chemistry between us. I wish you all the best, take care.”—or—“I’ve been thinking about the couple of times we’ve been together and I can tell that it’s just not right for me. I don’t feel like we’re a good fit. Thank you for the time we’ve spent together, though. I wish you all the best.”

If you say something like that and they react with sadness, confusion, hurt, anger or with any other emotion, that’s their choice. You didn’t cause that. You didn’t make them feel bad. You didn’t hurt them. You honored them with your truth and you spoke it with kindness.

If you continue to think you’re responsible for someone else’s feelings, you’ll resort to one of the “exit strategies” I mentioned above. You’ll disappear on them or say something deceptive like, “I had a really good time too. Call me early next week.” In reality, however, you have absolutely no intention of going out with them again or even answering the phone when they call! Feeling responsible for their feelings will tempt you to lose your integrity. If you know right then and there that you aren’t into the person, man-up and tell them. Respect them as a person; dignify them with your truth.

Now, if you do that and they have an emotional reaction of some kind, it’s because they’re interpreting the situation through the filter of their past. For example, perhaps your moving on triggers an old abandonment wound from their childhood, so they feel hurt and confused by your decision. Or maybe they’ve been rejected in past intimate relationships and so they angrily lash out at you saying, “That’s fine. I wasn’t all that attracted to you anyway.”

Either way, if they take it personally, feeling that your decision means something is wrong with them or that they’ll never find love, they, of course, will have an emotional reaction, but it’s their choice.

Notice that all you did was say the relationship wasn’t right for you. A person’s reaction is based upon how they interpret your truth, what they think it means about them. And that’s not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to honor them with your truth and follow your heart.

It’s their interpretation that frames the whole thing.

Another example: What if they interpret your moving on as an event that is unfolding perfectly, that the universe has them in Its loving arms and that the right person is coming towards them at this moment? Can you see how they might react with quiet joy and peace? It all depends on the lens through which they view your decision. And they choose that. You can’t hurt their feelings. That’s their choice.

This is even true if someone doesn’t communicate in a spirit of kindness. Here’s an extreme example: Let’s say you’re a woman and we’re at the end of our first date and I say, “I had a good time. When can I see you again? What if your response is, “Roy, you disgust me! I wouldn’t go out with you again if you were the last person on earth! Now, go to hell you miserable pig!”

Even in that situation, one that obviously lacks kindness, my reaction is my choice. You can’t make me mad, sad or insecure. You just shared your opinion, that’s all. If I make it mean that all women feel that way, that no one will ever love me, that all women are disgusted with me—that’s coming from within me. You’re not powerful enough to make me feel that way or believe those things.

You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. You’re only responsible for treating people with dignity and kindness.

One Out-Breath
Let me be specific, now, on how to end dating relationships in a dignified, kind way. Notice, first, that I said “dating relationships.” I’m not talking about committed partnerships here. I’m talking about how to end it with someone you’ve dated once or a couple of times. (There’s a different process to be followed if the relationship is long-term or has become sexual and exclusive. That discussion is beyond the scope of this article.)

The “dear john” (or jane) conversation should be so short that it can be said in one breath. The example I gave earlier fits this criteria: “You are a really nice person, but I don’t feel the chemistry between us. I wish you all the best, take care.” That’s all that needs to be said. Anything beyond that will get you into arguable stories. Let me explain.

If they ask for an explanation as to why you feel the way you do, or what they did wrong, or how they could fix things or what you mean by not being a good fit, don’t answer. Don’t go there. Not because they don’t deserve the truth, but because you don’t have the truth.

All you have are your feelings and your preferences. You don’t have God’s truth about them. Whatever your reasons are, they have absolutely nothing to do with them. To tell them what you don’t like about them or why you don’t feel compatible with them would be to make your stories gospel. There is nothing wrong with that person and they surely aren’t supposed to change something about themselves because you don’t find it attractive or compatible with who you are.

I tell my clients all the time, when you’re early in the dating process and it doesn’t work out, don’t ever ask or say, “why”. It doesn’t matter. Anything you say or anything you hear will only be stories. All that’s absolutely true is that they don’t like you or you don’t like them. That’s it. Anything beyond that is pointless and irrelevant. You’re both perfect as you are, you’re just not perfect for each other. So stick to the unarguable truth: you don’t feel they are the right person for you, or, they don’t feel you are the right person for them. Period.

Conclusion
So, can we please drop the idea that we can’t be honest for fear of hurting someone’s feelings? We can’t do that in the first place, and as I said earlier, we’re using it as an excuse to protect ourselves. There’s an ancient scripture passage that says, “Speak the truth in love.” That summarizes what this article is all about.

Let’s end the cowardly and dehumanizing “exit strategies” of disappearing and deceiving each other. If you’re going to date, commit to doing it with dignity and kindness—and when it’s not right, end it in one out-breath.

Following each commitment, and written in italics, is what I call a “counter-commitment.” A “counter-commitment” often reflects the way we currently show up in our relationships, either consciously or unconsciously. Aligning our lives around these 10 conscious commitments will produce love, harmony and intimacy, while living by the counter-commitments will produce heartache, conflict and drama—always.

1. I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances in my love life (and my life in general) and I commit to supporting others in taking full responsibility for their lives.

I commit to blaming others, or myself, for what is wrong in my love life (or my life in general). I commit to playing the role of victim, villain or hero and taking more or less than 100% responsibility for what’s occurring in my love life.

2. I commit to curiosity, regarding every relationship in my life (past, present or future) as an opportunity to learn and grow in self-awareness.

I commit to being right and defending my “truth”, especially when I’m sure I’m right.

3. I commit to seeing all people, and especially my current and former lovers, as allies that are perfectly suited to help me learn the most important things for my growth.

I commit to seeing all people, and especially my current or former lovers, as obstacles and impediments to getting what I want most.

4. I commit to saying what is true for me and to being a person to whom others can express themselves with candor.

I commit to withholding my truth (i.e. facts, feelings, things I imagine) and speaking in a way that allows me to control or manipulate an outcome.

5. I commit to the masterful practice of integrity, including acknowledging all key feelings, expressing the unarguable truth and keeping my agreements.

I commit to withholding and/or ignoring my feelings, living with incompletions, and being right about my story.

6. I commit to feeling my feelings all the way through to completion. They come and I locate them in my body, then I breathe, move and vocalize them so they release all the way through.

I commit to resisting, judging and apologizing for my feelings, as well as making them someone else’s fault. I withhold, avoid, and repress them, contracting into fear and isolation.

7. I commit to living from the belief that I have enough of everything—including time, money, love, energy, space and resources, etc.

I commit to a scarcity mentality, choosing to see that there is “not enough” for me and others in the world, and therefore, I have to be conscious of making sure I get and preserve what is “mine.”

8. I commit to seeing myself as the source of love, approval, happiness and safety.

I commit to believing that others are responsible for making me feel safe, loved, happy and approved of, and that I will manipulate, control or punish those who don’t give those things to me.

9. I commit to seeing that the opposite of my story is as true or truer than my original story and that any story comes only from my interpretation of events.

I commit to believing that my stories, and the meaning I give to them, are true.

10. I commit to living in appreciation, freely opening to both giving and receiving it lavishly.

I commit to feeling entitled to “what’s mine,” resenting others when I’m not acknowledged in the way I want.

As most of you know, I had open-heart surgery seven weeks ago to replace a calcified aortic valve. The surgery went well and I was told that in eight weeks I’d be able to resume all my normal activities.

I literally circled that date on my calendar: January 10, 2012.

I have been eagerly anticipating that day for quite some time. Truth be told, I’ve been obsessing over it. I didn’t much care for my life being interrupted and I couldn’t wait to get back to working out, playing golf and having zero restrictions on my lifestyle.

Last week I had a routine check up with my cardiologist and he told me to take it easy for an extra two weeks. I was pissed! In the grand scheme of things, it’s a minor delay, but it upset me. Why? Because I was attached to my agenda and my timetable. I wanted something, badly, and when I didn’t get it, I got upset. The Buddha was right: Attachment invites suffering.

Here’s why I share this with you: You have intentions or goals for ’12. Maybe you’re not recovering from surgery, but no matter what your goals are, you want to achieve them just as much, if not more than I want to get back to my normal life. Like me, you have an agenda and a timetable. Am I right?

Unless you understand the relationship between intention and attachment, not only are you sabotaging your chance at realizing your resolutions, but more importantly, you’re inviting suffering into your life.

I want to present to you what I call “The Resolution Equation.” This simple yet profound equation, if lived, will not only make it more likely that you’ll achieve your goals, but it insures your inner peace and happiness—whether or not your goals are achieved. Here it is:

Intention – attachment = peace

Let me explain in case you flunked math ☺. Intention, minus or without attachment to outcome, equals peace (and probably success—though if you truly understand this equation, success won’t matter to you, for it’s not up to you. But I’m getting ahead of myself.)

Conventional wisdom’s equation is, of course, the exact opposite. It reads, “Intention plus attachment equals success. Most people believe that a person’s ability to achieve any goal is directly proportional to how much he or she wants it, craves it and hungers for it, all of which are euphemisms for attachment.

But Life, in my experience, has its own agenda and certainly its own timetable. We spend far too much time thinking and believing that we are in charge of everything.

What brought me suffering, and what I’m asking you to consider, was that I forgot that I’m not in charge of outcomes. I got attached to my way, my agenda and my timetable and when Life had a different agenda, my peace and happiness (temporarily) left me.

So set your intentions, make resolutions and define your goals. If you want to lose weight, grow your business or even if you desire to fall in love or rekindle the relationship you’re in, that’s fine. In fact, that’s wonderful. They’re all wonderful. It was okay for me to be stoked about getting my life back on January 10 and it’s okay for you to be stoked about your goals too.

But no matter what we want, if we realize that in the end, we are simply and gloriously a part of the ongoing unfolding story of the universe, we won’t suffer when things don’t happen the way we’d like them to.

Don’t hold on too tightly to your resolutions. In fact, release them. They are not required for your peace and happiness. However, if you think they are—and most do—you’re setting yourself up to suffer, a lot. Achieving your goals is not necessary for you to be happy. All that’s needed for happiness is here right now.

Your value is not determined by the shape of your body. Your worth is not determined by the size of your bank account and your aliveness is not dependent on the status of your love life. Who you are is beyond all that. You and I are being held and supported by Divinity and Its agenda is unfolding through you and AS you.

So go about your business this year. But remember, the outcome is really none of your business.

However, for many men these days, it seems their “friend” is not “firing” the way it’s supposed to. If the number of commercials selling products like Viagra and Cialis are any indication, erectile dysfunction is a problem impacting millions of men. This article describes a conscious and spiritual approach to this challenging situation.

Recently, two of my male clients have talked to me about their inability to get an erection and ejaculate during intercourse. Along with premature ejaculation, these are common issues facing men today. How should men respond?

I am not a physician and I do not speak as one here. I am a spiritual teacher and I believe for the majority of men, when their “friend” isn’t working the way they’d like it to, the root problem is a spiritual one, not a physical one. Not always, however. I want to make that clear. Sometimes a man’s body isn’t performing because of some sort of physical condition and he has no other choice but to use medication to perform sexually.

Because of that, I recommend that my clients go to a medical doctor and get a thorough check-up before we address the issue spiritually. I am not one of those spiritual teachers who believes the medical model has no value. In my opinion, that’s an unbalanced and naïve position, just as the medical field’s tendency to discount spiritual healing techniques is equally shortsighted. Both the medical and spiritual models have things of value to offer people today.

When men and their doctors can’t find any medical issue responsible for premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or the inability to achieve orgasm during sex, they immediately opt for the “little blue pill” or some other drug. This is understandable because they want to solve the problem and they don’t know any other way. But it’s really unfortunate for the man because he’s missing a golden opportunity to use his problem as a portal to great spiritual awakening. I want to show you how to address all sexual performance issues spiritually rather than pharmaceutically.

The spiritual method I’m offering here is very simple and can bring results faster than it takes to get a prescription filled. All that is required on the part of the man is the sincere curiosity to ask two simple questions and the courage to face the answers that comes.

The answers to these questions are not something you attempt to figure out by thinking, as if they were math problems. The mind is not involved. The answers come to your heart, not from your head. They arises from within as a deep sense of knowing and clarity and are accompanied by a quiet tingling sensation felt throughout the body.

Prior to asking these two questions, it’s important that you create sacred space for insight and wisdom to arrive. That means two things. First, clear your physical space of all distraction and interruption. No TV, phone, kids, pets, etc. You want absolute silence and stillness. Secondly, center your body-mind by sitting with your spine erect and your feet firmly planted on the ground. Begin to breathe slowly and deeply from your belly, inhaling through your nose to a count of four. Feel the breath move down the front of your body and into your genitals. Then exhale to a count of four, feeling the breath moving up the back of your body, along your spine and out of the mouth. Then repeat.

Each breath cycle should last at least eight seconds. Do this circular breathing for about three minutes. At the end of the three minutes, your body should feel light, almost as if it’s floating. You have now entered holy ground and you’re ready to ask your deepest Self these two transformational wonder questions. Ask them one at a time and then sit quietly and “listen.” Have something to write with near by. There will probably be a number of insights that come.

Now, the wonder questions and I want to thank one of my mentors, Dr. Gay Hendricks, for the exact wording of this first one:

What is the message that my penis is trying to get through to me, by it not working the way I want it to work?

After sitting with the question for a few minutes and recording your answers, it’s very important that you not allow the insights to be discounted by the mind or rejected out of fear.

The answers that come may seem ridiculous to the mind and you may find yourself thinking of all the reasons why they couldn’t be true or don’t make sense. It’s normal for the mind to do this; its job is to be suspicious. But the mind is of no use to you in the realm of spiritual transformation. So don’t pay attention to your thoughts.

Secondly, the implications of your insights might scare the crap out of you. That’s okay. Don’t run from the fear. Be courageous. Fear, in this case, is a sure sign that you’re onto something significant. As odd as it sounds, fear in this situation, is a sign you’re headed in the right direction.

At this point, you may be wondering what insights came to my two clients when they asked themselves this powerful wonder question or what my general insights are concerning sexual performance issues. Well, I do have such insights and my clients did receive profound and transformational “aha” insights. And I’d tell you what they were if I thought it would serve you. But it won’t. If I tell you what they learned, or what I know, it would prejudice your inquiry. You’d either try to make our insights yours, or, if they didn’t resonate with you, you might not bother engaging with the wonder question at all. Either would be tragic. So engage with the question without prejudice and after you’ve come to your own truth, if you still want to know my insights or theirs, contact me directly. But for now, do you own work.

The final step in the conscious approach to handling sexual performance issues is to ask one more question.

What conversation do I need to have, what action do I need to take or what person’s support do I need to request, as a result of the insight I have been given?

Insight without action makes you smarter, but if you don’t act, you’ll remain stuck (and limp). Jesus said, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be required.” The universe has entrusted you with the gift of insight. Integrity demands that you live in alignment with what you’ve learned about yourself.

Your insight may ask you to tell your partner a truth you’ve been hiding, or, it may ask you to end a relationship or even change your career path. Your insight may ask you to seek the support of a coach or therapist so that you can more deeply understand and act on what you’ve received. I don’t know what action your insight will require—but it will require something. Do it.

Take action, even if it’s scary or costly, for if you do, you will truly be able to exclaim, “Say hello to my little friend!”

Roy Biancalana
Relationship Coach & Author
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

My guess is you’re smiling at his question, because you know, maybe all to well, what they’re experiencing. If you’ve ever been in a relationship that has gone beyond the initial attraction/chemistry phase, you’ve experienced one of the most bizarre aspects of relationships: Opposites attract.

I say it’s bizarre because when we first meet our partners, they didn’t seem like our opposites. Quite to the contrary. We fell in love because we felt so comfortable and compatible with them, as if we’d known them in a past lifetime or something. We had things in common and we saw the world in similar ways, even completing each other’s sentences. Everything felt easy. Things clicked, we fit—and we fell in love.

But then the inevitable happens—you discover you’re complete opposite from one another. Instead of being like cookies and milk, you’re more like cookies and beer. And even if you did recognize your differences when you were dating, those differences were cute, weren’t they? Now they’re annoying or even obnoxious.

We attract our opposites, to one degree or another. There are literally dozens of examples of this, but here are a few categories that come quickly to mind:

• Pace of life—fast v. slow
• Time—punctual v. late
• Lifestyle—homebody v. party animal
• Communication Style—Emotional v. Logical
• Childrearing—permissive v. disciplinarian
• Home life—neat v. messy
• Risk-taking—cautious v. careless
• Money—saver v. spender

There’s a good chance that you and your partner are complete opposites in many of these categories, and probably others that I didn’t mention. In fact, make a list of how you are different from your partner. It shouldn’t take you long.

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you’d attract someone so different from you? Why not attract someone more like us? There would be much less conflict. But it doesn’t work that way. Why?

Here’s what I told the client who asked about the ‘spender’ vs. ‘saver’ dynamic: “Opposites do attract and that’s a good thing because both of you are out of balance and need to open to a wider, more complete view reality. If the two of you understand this, you can become allies in support of each other’s growth; if you don’t, you will become enemies fighting to change each other.”

You will attract your opposite in any area of life in which you are out of balance or where your perspective on reality is skewed.

That statement means that if you and your partner are really different from one another, you must be really screwed up! (Smile, your partner must be screwed up too. But, you knew that already, didn’t you?) Let’s look at the spender/saver dynamic to get a better understanding of what I’m saying.

Both sides have a point, don’t they? The spender, with perhaps a deeper trust in the universe, can encourage the saver to see the abundant nature of reality. That’s an important truth for the saver to integrate into their being. The saver, however, emphasizes responsibility and proper stewardship, a truth the spender needs to integrate into his or her being in order to be more whole, balanced person.

Though both have a point, yet each is out of balance if they only see reality through their own lens. They need each other to become more balanced, whole people. In other words, the universe has brought the two of them together (you thought it was chemistry!) so that they can help each other see their respective blind spots.

Therefore, the purpose of any intimate relationship is not happiness. It’s wholeness. Now, I don’t mean that spiritually, for I’ve written a whole book debunking the “you complete me” mindset. Spiritually we are whole and complete. But psychologically we’re fragmented and out of balance. It’s like we have huge biceps, but weak and flabby triceps. The purpose of intimacy is to bring about your full development and evolution as an individual. Your current partner or your former partners (or even your future partners for that matter) have been, and will continue to be, masterfully chosen to help you become a more balanced, complete person.

Understanding this ultimate purpose in intimacy, that you have attracted your opposite for your own benefit and growth, changes your relationship completely. Now the other person’s differentness is a blessing rather than a curse. They are your ally rather than your enemy. Additionally, you don’t fight in an attempt to re-make each other into your respective images, arrogantly thinking your perspective is right and theirs is wrong, but you each commit to integrating the other’s perspective into your life, so that you both are more balanced, complete people.

So, go back to the list you made of the differences between you and your partner. Be honest now. Drop the ego for a minute. Don’t you need to be a bit more like them? If you’re a homebody, don’t you need to get out more and improve your social skills? And if you’re a party animal, don’t you need to see the complete beauty that exists in quiet, private moments?

If you’re raising children and you’re the permissive one, don’t you need to enforce a few more boundaries? And if you’re the disciplinarian, don’t you need to relax your incredibly high standards just a bit?

I’m a face-paced guy. Even if I’m not on a deadline, I’m in a hurry to get wherever I’m going. My wife, however, has never seen a rose she didn’t want to stop and smell. It drives me nuts. Why couldn’t I attract a woman who’s in a hurry all the time too? Well, because I’m out of balance. To be a more complete man, I need to learn to slow down and recognize that “there” is not better than “here,” to enjoy the perfection of the present instead of striving for fulfillment in the future. And oh, man, did God give me the woman for that!

The best spiritual growth playground that the universe has ever created is not a monastery, and ashram or even a church. It’s intimacy. While meditation, asanas and worship are fine, if you’re really interested in your full development as an individual, get into a committed relationship. Attract your opposite. You’ll be forced to evolve or die!

Roy Biancalana
Relationship Coach & Author
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

You should know that my perspective comes from personal experience. I did on-line dating for about 18 months and was on four different sites—Match, E-harmony, Yahoo Personals and Great Expectations. That experience taught me a lot—the hard way. I’ve also coached dozens and dozens of people who’ve been involved in on-line dating and listening to their tragedies and triumphs has also taught me a lot. So what I’m about to say is not coach-speak or ivory tower theory, but wisdom from the trenches. I’ll divide my straight talk into four parts: Principles, Practices, Profiles and Pictures.

PRINCIPLES
1. Being on-line isn’t necessary.
While many people have met someone and fallen in love via on-line dating, it really isn’t necessary. Does a flower have to “do” anything to attract bees? Of course not. It just lives its life looking beautiful and smelling wonderful and the bees find them. Likewise, all you need to “do” in order to attract the love of your life is be the happy, emotionally healthy, sweet-smelling beautiful “flower” that you are and your partner, man or woman, will find you. I’m not against on-line dating per say, it’s just that your Beingness is magnetic and attractive. It doesn’t need any help. That said, the Internet is a tool and you may want to give it a try. If so, read on.

2. Be happy being alone.
I’ve written an entire book on this subject, that’s how important it is. If you’re looking for a partner on-line (or anywhere else) because you feel a relationship will alleviate your loneliness or make you happy or emotionally complete, you’re in for a painful, rough road on-line (or in any dating situation). You must realize that you are happiness, that you are complete as a spiritual being, apart from anyone else. If there is any craving and neediness for love in you, you will attract a partner who also isn’t grounded in who they are, and speaking from personal experience, that leads to disaster. So before you go on-line, or even date at all, do your personal work. Read my book (you can find it on the homepage of my website), hire a coach (I know a really good one ☺) or a therapist and work on letting go the perceived need for a relationship to make you whole. For here’s the dirty little secret about the law of attraction as it pertains to relationships: You will only and always attract a partner that is as healthy as you are.

3. Be pickier than usual.
Whatever standards you have for a potential partner in your life (something we’ll discuss next), raise them when you go on-line. Be extremely picky, more than usual. Raise the bar—high. If you don’t, you’ll be overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of “okay” men and women and you don’t have time for “okay,” nor are you interested in “okay”—or at least you shouldn’t be. You want amazing. So only contact or respond to men or women who knock your socks off. If you find anything in their profile that doesn’t resonate with your heart 100%, don’t communicate with them. Trust me in this. It’ll save you a lot of heartache.

4. Begin with the end in mind.
When I used to teach golf, I’d frequently tell my students that the things you did before you swing the club determine your success or failure. Likewise, if you want the on-line experience to work for you, there are several issues you must be clear about before you go on-line.

First, you must decide what kind of relationship you want. One-night stands, casual dating or long-term committed monogamy are your only choices. Second, get clear on your basic requirements. Identify 3-5 must-haves (e.g. wants children) and 3-5 can’t-stands (e.g. smoking). You don’t need an overly long list, but you do need one that defines your basic boundaries.

Third, go much deeper and create a “Relationship Vision.” This is a feeling-tone, heart-yearning, emotional description of what you most want to experience in intimacy. Go deeper than your partner’s appearance and income. This can be done as a vision board, though I prefer my clients to write it out as a story.

Fourth, and most importantly, ask yourself, “Would the man or woman I’m visualizing be interested in me?” Remember: Like attracts like. You will never attract someone healthier, happier or more grounded than you are. You will attract after your own kind. So if you, as a woman, described your man as some incredible warrior-king, would he be interested in you? And guys, if you visualize an enchanting, gorgeous, goddess-woman, would she give you the time of day? What changes, what growth, what transformation needs to occur in your life so that when you meet the man or woman of your dreams, you are the fulfillment of their dreams?

(A short side note. This is where relationship coaching comes in. I support people who wish to be their most authentic, evolved selves and thus magnetically attract their reciprocal, glorious opposite and create an amazing intimacy. Most single people are not ready for, or capable of, deep authentic intimacy because of old emotional wounds and self-sabotaging unconscious patterns that have ruined and are ruining their ability to attract a healthy mate. People who are serious about wanting a great, satisfying relationship commit to coaching and serious self-development as the first step in that process. I would invite you to do that as well.)

5. Decide on your sexual boundaries.
Before you go on-line (or before you date, period), you must decide when you are going to allow things to become physical. What are your boundaries in this area? This is totally your decision and, of course, what you decide depends on what kind of relationship you want—one night stands, casual dating or long-term committed love. Each of those three types of relationships leads to a different sexual commitment, obviously.

I recommend to my clients who are interested in long-term intimacy (the only type clients I coach) to hold off on being sexual until the two of you are in an exclusive (which means, among other things, not on-line anymore!), committed couple. Now, you may reach that point after a few dates or after a few months. Time isn’t the issue, commitment is. In my experience, people have the most success and the least grief in their relationships when sexuality is an expression of commitment rather than an expression of chemistry. (I’ve written an extensive piece on this. It can be found on my website/blog under the title: The Third Wave of the Sexual Revolution.)

PRACTICES
Once those principles are a part of your life, you are then ready to go on-line. Here’s a nuts and bolts list on how to make Internet dating a positive experience.

1. Structure your on-line time.
I advise my clients to go on-line to look at profiles and communicate with potential matches just once a week, say, Sunday evening. That’s it. Don’t be doing this every day! You have a life to live, right? Live it. (If you don’t, get one!) I also recommend that you spend no more than 2 hours on the sites. Don’t be obsessive with on-line dating, for it can consume your time and energy.

2. Cut to the chase.
If you see or hear from someone amazing, get to a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible. Don’t get stuck in email / text message / phone call hell. Here’s how it should go: The man sends an email to a woman. (Ladies, you should rarely initiate. Be the flower, let the man be the bee.) This email should be short, sincere and mention something you like about their profile. Ask them to respond if they’re interested. Don’t contact them more than once. If they’re interested, they’ll respond.

If you’ve followed my advice on being picky, you’re only communicating with someone who sounds off-the-charts amazing. So if that’s the case, ladies, tell the guy something that resonates with you in his profile and give him your phone number. (Why wait? The guy’s seems amazing, right?) Then, guys, call her and ask her to meet you. Do this within one day of receiving her message. Don’t play games and wait a few days. She’s hot and you’re interested. It’s okay if she knows that! And don’t ask her out via email or text message. Have a little class. Call the woman.

3. Rules for your first meeting.
I beg you to listen to me here. This is so important and it will save you a lot of grief. The purpose of this first meeting (this is not a date!) is to see if they are who they said they are and to determine if you feel some chemistry with one another. With that purpose in mind, here are the rules.

First, agree to meet at a public place for coffee or tea—not drinks and definitely not dinner. Don’t meet at a restaurant/bar. Starbucks or Panera Bread will do. Keep alcohol and any significant financial commitment out of the first meeting. People lie and misrepresent themselves in their profiles. Don’t commit time and money on someone you don’t know. Second, agree to meet for a ½ hour. This way, if you don’t feel it, you’ve got an easy out. (It will only take you three minutes to determine if there is chemistry between the two of you, but making a three minute date might seem weird.) However, since this person seems amazing, you may want to SECRETLY leave some time open behind the ½ hour meeting in case he or she is amazing and you want the meeting to turn into a full-blown date.

4. Do NOT have sex.
Earlier we said it was your decision as to when you wanted to engage sexually with your partner. But as to this first meeting, I’m going to make the decision for you! ☺ If you are on-line to meet the love of your life and have an amazing committed long-term relationship, there are absolutely no circumstances—none!— in which it would be beneficial for you to have sex with them when you first meet. I don’t care if the chemistry is so thick you can hardly breathe, don’t get physical. A kiss goodbye, maybe, but that’s it.

I’m not saying this from a morality perspective. I’m coming from a sanity perspective. The Internet is full of players, married people and outright morons. Chemistry is a lousy judge of character! In fact, the minute you become sexual, your intuition shuts down, your ears no longer hear what a person is really saying and your eyes no longer see red flags. Be with the person for a while. Take a cold shower if you need to, but see if they’re for real. Determine if you’re compatible and then consummate your chemistry, compatibility and commitment by making love.

5. What to do if you don’t like them.
The final rule is about what to do if you find you’re not interested in seeing this person again. This is the hardest rule, yet if you want to be a truly caring person, it’s a must. Tell them the unvarnished truth. Don’t sugar coat it. If you don’t want to see them again, say this: “You seem like a really nice person but I don’t feel a fit between us. Thanks for taking the time to meet with me. I wish you all the best.” Then walk away.

Men, don’t be a wuss and say you’ll call them when you know you have no intention of doing so. And ladies, don’t say you’d like him to call you again if you already know you won’t answer the phone! You are not hurting a person’s feelings if you say you’re not interested. (What you’re actually doing is protecting yours!) Honor them with your truth.

PROFILES
Writing a good profile is a critical part of having a positive on-line experience. Yet I’ve seen far too many men and women hardly put any thought or time into theirs. This is a huge, huge mistake. Your profile (in a perfect world) serves as a filter, ensuring that you attract only those who might be a good fit for you and keeping the others away. Now, I realize we don’t live in a perfect world. You will be contacted by people who never read your profile. If your pictures look good, that’s enough for them. But the better the profile, the less this happens.

Writing a good profile begins by asking yourself a critical question: Who are you writing to? Most people make the mistake of writing to the masses of men or women on-line since that’s who’s going to read it. It’s logical to think, “There are hundreds or even thousands of people who are going to read this, so I want to write something that is widely appealing and gives a general feel for who I am and what I’m looking for.”

Read the very next sentence as if I was screaming it at you, because I am: That is exactly what you DON’T want to do!!! You don’t want to appeal to the masses; you want to appeal to just one person, the person who appears in your relationship vision.

Sit down in front of your computer and imagine the man or woman of your dreams—and talk to them, and them only. In other words, share your relationship vision. Tell them who you are; tell them about the kind of relationship you’d like to have with them; tell them what would melt your heart and buckle your knees.

Your profile needs to be very personal, of a decent length (at least 300 words) and a real expression of your depth and heart. Because remember: like attracts like. If you want a man or woman of depth, then your profile better be an expression of your depth. Your potential partner is on-line reading hundreds of profiles and most of them are silly, shallow drivel. He or she is looking for a special person, someone of depth. So show that part of yourself.

Get over any fears about being too deep and personal on-line. What’s the big deal? All you’re revealing is what your heart most yearns for in a relationship. Is that something to be ashamed of, or to be kept quiet? Of course not! You’re on-line to meet the love of your life. So be authentic and personal. Express your depth. It will catch the eye of your reciprocal: a man or woman dreaming of someone like you.

However, being personal does NOT mean being inappropriate. Don’t talk about your past relationships, your personal problems or your childhood wounds. And definitely don’t talk about sex! Unless you’re on-line to simply get laid, there should not be a single word about anything sexual. You don’t have to say you like sex and romance. Who doesn’t? Guys, if you mention anything about sex, a woman of any depth won’t respond to you. It’s creepy. And ladies, if you mention anything about how passionate and affectionate you are, you’ll just be inundated with single-minded men.

Another issue to not discuss in your profile is your income. You can and should talk about what you do for a living, but don’t say what you make or even what your income range is. Many on-line sites actually have a place where you list your income range. Leave it blank, especially if you’re a man. Here’s why. If shallow, unevolved men are primarily interested in a woman’s body and appearance (and they are), so shallow, unevolved women are primarily interested in a man’s finances. If you say you make 200k in your profile, it’s akin to a woman showing her cleavage in her pictures. You will have a lot of people contacting you, but they will be more interested in the size of your bank account than in the size of your heart.

Your profile should go into depth about who you are. Talk about your favorite vacation spots, books, movies, hobbies and interests, whether it’s art, fitness, music, sports, politics or spirituality. And then go deeper. Tell them why these things are so meaningful to you. Open your heart. If something is a big deal in your life it should be reflected in your profile. If I wrote a profile now, I would spend a lot of time discussing my spiritual interests, my commitments to my son and my fitness routines. Those are hugely important things in my life.

Tell them your exact age and don’t lie. It’ll come back to bite you. Tell them about your children (if you have them) and include their ages. If you don’t have kids but want them, definitely include that. This kind of detail gives a person a window into your soul and it will attract someone who resonates with you.

Finally, let’s talk about how to lay out your profile. Here’s a simple, effective format. It begins with the basics and moves toward the personal.

1. Tell them what kind of relationship you’re interested in. This should be the first sentence and it will begin to thin the herd. For example, “I am a woman (or man…make this work for you) who is looking for a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship with man of spiritual and emotional depth.” That will chase off some “players,” and that’s a good thing.

2. Tell them who you are. The previous few paragraphs spoke to this. You’re starting to go deeper.

3. Lay out your basic “must haves” and “can’t stands.” It might say, for example, “I’d love to be in a relationship with a person who is financially stable, wants children and is a devoted Christian. I am not interested in being with someone who smokes, is a partier, or leads a sedentary life.”

4. Describe your relationship vision. This is the most personal part of the profile and it should express your heart’s deepest desire of what you dream of experiencing in intimacy. At this point, there are very, very few left in the herd, which is exactly what you want.

5. Wrap it up by inviting them to contact you if they completely resonate with what you’ve written, and then state your policies of interacting with people on-line. For example, this is what I recommend my female clients say: “If you resonate with everything in my profile, I’d love to hear from you. I’ll look at your profile and if I feel a connection as well, I’ll send you my phone number. I’m not interested in wasting time emailing and texting. I’m too busy for that. Let’s talk on the phone and if that goes well, we’ll meet for a ½ hour at a local coffee shop and take it from there. Thank you for taking the time to read my profile. All the best, (your first name.)”

PICTURES
The old saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words” is definitely true when it comes to on-line photos. In other words, your pictures speak volumes about you (maybe more than what you’ve written), so this needs to be thought through.

Both men and women should have a least two pictures on their on-line page. The first should be a very clear head shot. Let them see your face, not from a distance or in a group with poor lighting, but in a single, up-close head shot. The second should be a full-body photo taken in clothes that allow someone to see the basic shape of your body. (Not too revealing though. More about that in a minute). If you want to have other photos of you with your friends, your dog, your kids, etc., fine. But you must have these two photos and they must be extremely recent. You should put up new photos every three months. If you show up for your first meeting and you don’t look like your photos, it’s over.

The law of attraction says, “like attracts like,” and this is true of your photos. If you’ve got a lot of photos of you partying with your friends, you’ll attract a partier. Now, maybe you are a partier, so just think this through. And if you’re looking for a relationship that is about much more than sexual chemistry then don’t put provocative pictures on your profile.

It’s always amazing to hear a woman say she’s being contacted by guys who only want “one thing” and then you see that her page has a picture of her in a bikini and other half-naked photos! Make sure your pictures match you and your relationship vision.

As for you men, would you please stop taking pictures of yourself in the mirror?! If you want to meet the woman of your dreams, put a little effort into it. Show her that you’re not a cheap-ass and get some decent photos made of you.

The important thing for both men and women is to have your pictures accurately and authentically express who you really are. Don’t present an image that you think the man or woman of your dreams wants to see. Be yourself. If you’re the kind of guy who wears a Pittsburg Stealers jersey all the time, then put that picture up there. Don’t wear a suit. And ladies, if you’re a dress-to-the-nines kind of woman, then have your pictures reflect that. (Note to “Jersey Guy”: Don’t contact dress-up girl!)

Roy Biancalana
Author & Relationship Coach
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

Think of yourself as a piece of a puzzle. You have a particular shape and you also fit perfectly with another piece. In other words, you have a reciprocal match, someone that goes with you, much like cookies go with milk. As long as your psychological and emotional “shape” remains the same, you will always attract the same kinds of partners. It cannot be otherwise. Let me give you an example.

If a woman is a nurturing, selfless caregiver (read: doormat), if that’s her “shape,” then she will always attract a narcissistic man. Self-ish people go with self-less people. They need each other. They match. No matter how deeply a woman resolves to never again be in a relationship with a narcissist, if her emotional shape remains the same, she’ll always find herself with selfish men.

Here’s another very common example. Let’s say a woman’s pattern is attracting men who won’t commit. I call them “runners.” That’s their shape. They run from intimacy and commitment. What must her shape be? Well, she must be his reciprocal opposite. She must be a “clinger.” Runners and clingers go together, like cookies and milk.

For the longest time, my relationship shape was that of a hero. I took care of women. I spoiled them. Therefore, I attracted overwhelmed damsels-in-distress, women who were exhausted and needed to be taken care of. Heroes and victims go together.

Here’s the bottom line. Groundhog Day will continue—eternally—unless you Shape-Shift. If you stay a “cookie,” you’ll keep attracting “milk.” If you want a satisfying love life, you must work with a good relationship coach and change your emotional shape. And when you do, you will no longer attract the same kinds of partners. Being a healthier, more authentic version of your self will allow you to effortlessly attract a healthier, more authentic partner.

Roy Biancalana
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387