Unintended Consequences
This trend is a very good thing for single adults, but it comes with an unintended consequence. Since you can easily have two or three first dates in a week (I know this is true from personal experience), the problem is no longer getting into relationships, but getting out of them!

Here’s the dilemma: With the plethora of new ways to meet people, your chances at meeting someone with whom you share chemistry and compatibility skyrockets. That’s the good news. The bad new is—and this is the unintended consequence—you won’t like most of them! That means you’re going face a lot more of those awkward “I’m just not into you” moments.

Most people really don’t like the “dear john” type conversations and they avoid them like the plague. That’s understandable. No one enjoys the idea of hurting someone’s feelings. But if we don’t commit to speaking our truth, we risk:

• Staying too long in a relationship that we know isn’t right for us, just because we fear hurting their feelings;
• Dishonoring another human being by simply disappearing and/or not returning their calls;
• Compromising our integrity by making up lame excuses like, “I’m just not over my ex,” or “things are really too busy at work for me to focus on a relationship,” (or some other b.s. line like that);
• Withdrawing from the dating scene altogether fearing the possibility of hurting someone’s feelings if it doesn’t work out. (I have a client who won’t ask girls out because he’s afraid he might one day hurt their feelings.)

If we are to be conscious, loving, emotionally healthy human beings, we must discard these dishonest and ultimately self-sabotaging “exit strategies” and come to terms with this whole paralyzing idea of hurting someone’s feelings.

The Real Motive
At first glance, not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings appears to be a compassionate, noble thing. In my experience, however, when I disappeared on women or directly lied to them about my feelings, it wasn’t their feelings I was protecting, it was my own. My dishonestly was selfishly motivated.

If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll discover the same is probably true for you. You’d rather not have to endure the sad look in their eyes, the hurt and confusion in their voice, their questions as to why or the anger they may express. It isn’t them you’re really protecting; it’s you you’re protecting. So the first thing we have to get straight is that when we withhold our truth, we’re protecting our own feelings, not there’s.

Why am I so sure this is true? Ask yourself this: would you rather someone disappear on you without a trace or outright lie to you—or—would you prefer they look you in the eye and simply say that continuing to see you isn’t right for them? I have never heard anyone say they’d prefer to be left completely in the dark than be told the truth.

A False Assumption
Now, let’s look at is this whole idea that we can actually hurt someone’s feelings in the first place. It’s an assumption and it’s a false one. We cannot hurt another person’s feelings. We aren’t that powerful. We don’t have the ability to cause or control how a person feels. They are responsible for their feelings, as we are responsible for ours.

If you say to someone, “You are a really nice person, but I don’t feel the chemistry between us. I wish you all the best, take care.”—or—“I’ve been thinking about the couple of times we’ve been together and I can tell that it’s just not right for me. I don’t feel like we’re a good fit. Thank you for the time we’ve spent together, though. I wish you all the best.”

If you say something like that and they react with sadness, confusion, hurt, anger or with any other emotion, that’s their choice. You didn’t cause that. You didn’t make them feel bad. You didn’t hurt them. You honored them with your truth and you spoke it with kindness.

If you continue to think you’re responsible for someone else’s feelings, you’ll resort to one of the “exit strategies” I mentioned above. You’ll disappear on them or say something deceptive like, “I had a really good time too. Call me early next week.” In reality, however, you have absolutely no intention of going out with them again or even answering the phone when they call! Feeling responsible for their feelings will tempt you to lose your integrity. If you know right then and there that you aren’t into the person, man-up and tell them. Respect them as a person; dignify them with your truth.

Now, if you do that and they have an emotional reaction of some kind, it’s because they’re interpreting the situation through the filter of their past. For example, perhaps your moving on triggers an old abandonment wound from their childhood, so they feel hurt and confused by your decision. Or maybe they’ve been rejected in past intimate relationships and so they angrily lash out at you saying, “That’s fine. I wasn’t all that attracted to you anyway.”

Either way, if they take it personally, feeling that your decision means something is wrong with them or that they’ll never find love, they, of course, will have an emotional reaction, but it’s their choice.

Notice that all you did was say the relationship wasn’t right for you. A person’s reaction is based upon how they interpret your truth, what they think it means about them. And that’s not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to honor them with your truth and follow your heart.

It’s their interpretation that frames the whole thing.

Another example: What if they interpret your moving on as an event that is unfolding perfectly, that the universe has them in Its loving arms and that the right person is coming towards them at this moment? Can you see how they might react with quiet joy and peace? It all depends on the lens through which they view your decision. And they choose that. You can’t hurt their feelings. That’s their choice.

This is even true if someone doesn’t communicate in a spirit of kindness. Here’s an extreme example: Let’s say you’re a woman and we’re at the end of our first date and I say, “I had a good time. When can I see you again? What if your response is, “Roy, you disgust me! I wouldn’t go out with you again if you were the last person on earth! Now, go to hell you miserable pig!”

Even in that situation, one that obviously lacks kindness, my reaction is my choice. You can’t make me mad, sad or insecure. You just shared your opinion, that’s all. If I make it mean that all women feel that way, that no one will ever love me, that all women are disgusted with me—that’s coming from within me. You’re not powerful enough to make me feel that way or believe those things.

You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. You’re only responsible for treating people with dignity and kindness.

One Out-Breath
Let me be specific, now, on how to end dating relationships in a dignified, kind way. Notice, first, that I said “dating relationships.” I’m not talking about committed partnerships here. I’m talking about how to end it with someone you’ve dated once or a couple of times. (There’s a different process to be followed if the relationship is long-term or has become sexual and exclusive. That discussion is beyond the scope of this article.)

The “dear john” (or jane) conversation should be so short that it can be said in one breath. The example I gave earlier fits this criteria: “You are a really nice person, but I don’t feel the chemistry between us. I wish you all the best, take care.” That’s all that needs to be said. Anything beyond that will get you into arguable stories. Let me explain.

If they ask for an explanation as to why you feel the way you do, or what they did wrong, or how they could fix things or what you mean by not being a good fit, don’t answer. Don’t go there. Not because they don’t deserve the truth, but because you don’t have the truth.

All you have are your feelings and your preferences. You don’t have God’s truth about them. Whatever your reasons are, they have absolutely nothing to do with them. To tell them what you don’t like about them or why you don’t feel compatible with them would be to make your stories gospel. There is nothing wrong with that person and they surely aren’t supposed to change something about themselves because you don’t find it attractive or compatible with who you are.

I tell my clients all the time, when you’re early in the dating process and it doesn’t work out, don’t ever ask or say, “why”. It doesn’t matter. Anything you say or anything you hear will only be stories. All that’s absolutely true is that they don’t like you or you don’t like them. That’s it. Anything beyond that is pointless and irrelevant. You’re both perfect as you are, you’re just not perfect for each other. So stick to the unarguable truth: you don’t feel they are the right person for you, or, they don’t feel you are the right person for them. Period.

Conclusion
So, can we please drop the idea that we can’t be honest for fear of hurting someone’s feelings? We can’t do that in the first place, and as I said earlier, we’re using it as an excuse to protect ourselves. There’s an ancient scripture passage that says, “Speak the truth in love.” That summarizes what this article is all about.

Let’s end the cowardly and dehumanizing “exit strategies” of disappearing and deceiving each other. If you’re going to date, commit to doing it with dignity and kindness—and when it’s not right, end it in one out-breath.

Following each commitment, and written in italics, is what I call a “counter-commitment.” A “counter-commitment” often reflects the way we currently show up in our relationships, either consciously or unconsciously. Aligning our lives around these 10 conscious commitments will produce love, harmony and intimacy, while living by the counter-commitments will produce heartache, conflict and drama—always.

1. I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances in my love life (and my life in general) and I commit to supporting others in taking full responsibility for their lives.

I commit to blaming others, or myself, for what is wrong in my love life (or my life in general). I commit to playing the role of victim, villain or hero and taking more or less than 100% responsibility for what’s occurring in my love life.

2. I commit to curiosity, regarding every relationship in my life (past, present or future) as an opportunity to learn and grow in self-awareness.

I commit to being right and defending my “truth”, especially when I’m sure I’m right.

3. I commit to seeing all people, and especially my current and former lovers, as allies that are perfectly suited to help me learn the most important things for my growth.

I commit to seeing all people, and especially my current or former lovers, as obstacles and impediments to getting what I want most.

4. I commit to saying what is true for me and to being a person to whom others can express themselves with candor.

I commit to withholding my truth (i.e. facts, feelings, things I imagine) and speaking in a way that allows me to control or manipulate an outcome.

5. I commit to the masterful practice of integrity, including acknowledging all key feelings, expressing the unarguable truth and keeping my agreements.

I commit to withholding and/or ignoring my feelings, living with incompletions, and being right about my story.

6. I commit to feeling my feelings all the way through to completion. They come and I locate them in my body, then I breathe, move and vocalize them so they release all the way through.

I commit to resisting, judging and apologizing for my feelings, as well as making them someone else’s fault. I withhold, avoid, and repress them, contracting into fear and isolation.

7. I commit to living from the belief that I have enough of everything—including time, money, love, energy, space and resources, etc.

I commit to a scarcity mentality, choosing to see that there is “not enough” for me and others in the world, and therefore, I have to be conscious of making sure I get and preserve what is “mine.”

8. I commit to seeing myself as the source of love, approval, happiness and safety.

I commit to believing that others are responsible for making me feel safe, loved, happy and approved of, and that I will manipulate, control or punish those who don’t give those things to me.

9. I commit to seeing that the opposite of my story is as true or truer than my original story and that any story comes only from my interpretation of events.

I commit to believing that my stories, and the meaning I give to them, are true.

10. I commit to living in appreciation, freely opening to both giving and receiving it lavishly.

I commit to feeling entitled to “what’s mine,” resenting others when I’m not acknowledged in the way I want.

As most of you know, I had open-heart surgery seven weeks ago to replace a calcified aortic valve. The surgery went well and I was told that in eight weeks I’d be able to resume all my normal activities.

I literally circled that date on my calendar: January 10, 2012.

I have been eagerly anticipating that day for quite some time. Truth be told, I’ve been obsessing over it. I didn’t much care for my life being interrupted and I couldn’t wait to get back to working out, playing golf and having zero restrictions on my lifestyle.

Last week I had a routine check up with my cardiologist and he told me to take it easy for an extra two weeks. I was pissed! In the grand scheme of things, it’s a minor delay, but it upset me. Why? Because I was attached to my agenda and my timetable. I wanted something, badly, and when I didn’t get it, I got upset. The Buddha was right: Attachment invites suffering.

Here’s why I share this with you: You have intentions or goals for ’12. Maybe you’re not recovering from surgery, but no matter what your goals are, you want to achieve them just as much, if not more than I want to get back to my normal life. Like me, you have an agenda and a timetable. Am I right?

Unless you understand the relationship between intention and attachment, not only are you sabotaging your chance at realizing your resolutions, but more importantly, you’re inviting suffering into your life.

I want to present to you what I call “The Resolution Equation.” This simple yet profound equation, if lived, will not only make it more likely that you’ll achieve your goals, but it insures your inner peace and happiness—whether or not your goals are achieved. Here it is:

Intention – attachment = peace

Let me explain in case you flunked math ☺. Intention, minus or without attachment to outcome, equals peace (and probably success—though if you truly understand this equation, success won’t matter to you, for it’s not up to you. But I’m getting ahead of myself.)

Conventional wisdom’s equation is, of course, the exact opposite. It reads, “Intention plus attachment equals success. Most people believe that a person’s ability to achieve any goal is directly proportional to how much he or she wants it, craves it and hungers for it, all of which are euphemisms for attachment.

But Life, in my experience, has its own agenda and certainly its own timetable. We spend far too much time thinking and believing that we are in charge of everything.

What brought me suffering, and what I’m asking you to consider, was that I forgot that I’m not in charge of outcomes. I got attached to my way, my agenda and my timetable and when Life had a different agenda, my peace and happiness (temporarily) left me.

So set your intentions, make resolutions and define your goals. If you want to lose weight, grow your business or even if you desire to fall in love or rekindle the relationship you’re in, that’s fine. In fact, that’s wonderful. They’re all wonderful. It was okay for me to be stoked about getting my life back on January 10 and it’s okay for you to be stoked about your goals too.

But no matter what we want, if we realize that in the end, we are simply and gloriously a part of the ongoing unfolding story of the universe, we won’t suffer when things don’t happen the way we’d like them to.

Don’t hold on too tightly to your resolutions. In fact, release them. They are not required for your peace and happiness. However, if you think they are—and most do—you’re setting yourself up to suffer, a lot. Achieving your goals is not necessary for you to be happy. All that’s needed for happiness is here right now.

Your value is not determined by the shape of your body. Your worth is not determined by the size of your bank account and your aliveness is not dependent on the status of your love life. Who you are is beyond all that. You and I are being held and supported by Divinity and Its agenda is unfolding through you and AS you.

So go about your business this year. But remember, the outcome is really none of your business.

However, for many men these days, it seems their “friend” is not “firing” the way it’s supposed to. If the number of commercials selling products like Viagra and Cialis are any indication, erectile dysfunction is a problem impacting millions of men. This article describes a conscious and spiritual approach to this challenging situation.

Recently, two of my male clients have talked to me about their inability to get an erection and ejaculate during intercourse. Along with premature ejaculation, these are common issues facing men today. How should men respond?

I am not a physician and I do not speak as one here. I am a spiritual teacher and I believe for the majority of men, when their “friend” isn’t working the way they’d like it to, the root problem is a spiritual one, not a physical one. Not always, however. I want to make that clear. Sometimes a man’s body isn’t performing because of some sort of physical condition and he has no other choice but to use medication to perform sexually.

Because of that, I recommend that my clients go to a medical doctor and get a thorough check-up before we address the issue spiritually. I am not one of those spiritual teachers who believes the medical model has no value. In my opinion, that’s an unbalanced and naïve position, just as the medical field’s tendency to discount spiritual healing techniques is equally shortsighted. Both the medical and spiritual models have things of value to offer people today.

When men and their doctors can’t find any medical issue responsible for premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or the inability to achieve orgasm during sex, they immediately opt for the “little blue pill” or some other drug. This is understandable because they want to solve the problem and they don’t know any other way. But it’s really unfortunate for the man because he’s missing a golden opportunity to use his problem as a portal to great spiritual awakening. I want to show you how to address all sexual performance issues spiritually rather than pharmaceutically.

The spiritual method I’m offering here is very simple and can bring results faster than it takes to get a prescription filled. All that is required on the part of the man is the sincere curiosity to ask two simple questions and the courage to face the answers that comes.

The answers to these questions are not something you attempt to figure out by thinking, as if they were math problems. The mind is not involved. The answers come to your heart, not from your head. They arises from within as a deep sense of knowing and clarity and are accompanied by a quiet tingling sensation felt throughout the body.

Prior to asking these two questions, it’s important that you create sacred space for insight and wisdom to arrive. That means two things. First, clear your physical space of all distraction and interruption. No TV, phone, kids, pets, etc. You want absolute silence and stillness. Secondly, center your body-mind by sitting with your spine erect and your feet firmly planted on the ground. Begin to breathe slowly and deeply from your belly, inhaling through your nose to a count of four. Feel the breath move down the front of your body and into your genitals. Then exhale to a count of four, feeling the breath moving up the back of your body, along your spine and out of the mouth. Then repeat.

Each breath cycle should last at least eight seconds. Do this circular breathing for about three minutes. At the end of the three minutes, your body should feel light, almost as if it’s floating. You have now entered holy ground and you’re ready to ask your deepest Self these two transformational wonder questions. Ask them one at a time and then sit quietly and “listen.” Have something to write with near by. There will probably be a number of insights that come.

Now, the wonder questions and I want to thank one of my mentors, Dr. Gay Hendricks, for the exact wording of this first one:

What is the message that my penis is trying to get through to me, by it not working the way I want it to work?

After sitting with the question for a few minutes and recording your answers, it’s very important that you not allow the insights to be discounted by the mind or rejected out of fear.

The answers that come may seem ridiculous to the mind and you may find yourself thinking of all the reasons why they couldn’t be true or don’t make sense. It’s normal for the mind to do this; its job is to be suspicious. But the mind is of no use to you in the realm of spiritual transformation. So don’t pay attention to your thoughts.

Secondly, the implications of your insights might scare the crap out of you. That’s okay. Don’t run from the fear. Be courageous. Fear, in this case, is a sure sign that you’re onto something significant. As odd as it sounds, fear in this situation, is a sign you’re headed in the right direction.

At this point, you may be wondering what insights came to my two clients when they asked themselves this powerful wonder question or what my general insights are concerning sexual performance issues. Well, I do have such insights and my clients did receive profound and transformational “aha” insights. And I’d tell you what they were if I thought it would serve you. But it won’t. If I tell you what they learned, or what I know, it would prejudice your inquiry. You’d either try to make our insights yours, or, if they didn’t resonate with you, you might not bother engaging with the wonder question at all. Either would be tragic. So engage with the question without prejudice and after you’ve come to your own truth, if you still want to know my insights or theirs, contact me directly. But for now, do you own work.

The final step in the conscious approach to handling sexual performance issues is to ask one more question.

What conversation do I need to have, what action do I need to take or what person’s support do I need to request, as a result of the insight I have been given?

Insight without action makes you smarter, but if you don’t act, you’ll remain stuck (and limp). Jesus said, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be required.” The universe has entrusted you with the gift of insight. Integrity demands that you live in alignment with what you’ve learned about yourself.

Your insight may ask you to tell your partner a truth you’ve been hiding, or, it may ask you to end a relationship or even change your career path. Your insight may ask you to seek the support of a coach or therapist so that you can more deeply understand and act on what you’ve received. I don’t know what action your insight will require—but it will require something. Do it.

Take action, even if it’s scary or costly, for if you do, you will truly be able to exclaim, “Say hello to my little friend!”

Roy Biancalana
Relationship Coach & Author
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

My guess is you’re smiling at his question, because you know, maybe all to well, what they’re experiencing. If you’ve ever been in a relationship that has gone beyond the initial attraction/chemistry phase, you’ve experienced one of the most bizarre aspects of relationships: Opposites attract.

I say it’s bizarre because when we first meet our partners, they didn’t seem like our opposites. Quite to the contrary. We fell in love because we felt so comfortable and compatible with them, as if we’d known them in a past lifetime or something. We had things in common and we saw the world in similar ways, even completing each other’s sentences. Everything felt easy. Things clicked, we fit—and we fell in love.

But then the inevitable happens—you discover you’re complete opposite from one another. Instead of being like cookies and milk, you’re more like cookies and beer. And even if you did recognize your differences when you were dating, those differences were cute, weren’t they? Now they’re annoying or even obnoxious.

We attract our opposites, to one degree or another. There are literally dozens of examples of this, but here are a few categories that come quickly to mind:

• Pace of life—fast v. slow
• Time—punctual v. late
• Lifestyle—homebody v. party animal
• Communication Style—Emotional v. Logical
• Childrearing—permissive v. disciplinarian
• Home life—neat v. messy
• Risk-taking—cautious v. careless
• Money—saver v. spender

There’s a good chance that you and your partner are complete opposites in many of these categories, and probably others that I didn’t mention. In fact, make a list of how you are different from your partner. It shouldn’t take you long.

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you’d attract someone so different from you? Why not attract someone more like us? There would be much less conflict. But it doesn’t work that way. Why?

Here’s what I told the client who asked about the ‘spender’ vs. ‘saver’ dynamic: “Opposites do attract and that’s a good thing because both of you are out of balance and need to open to a wider, more complete view reality. If the two of you understand this, you can become allies in support of each other’s growth; if you don’t, you will become enemies fighting to change each other.”

You will attract your opposite in any area of life in which you are out of balance or where your perspective on reality is skewed.

That statement means that if you and your partner are really different from one another, you must be really screwed up! (Smile, your partner must be screwed up too. But, you knew that already, didn’t you?) Let’s look at the spender/saver dynamic to get a better understanding of what I’m saying.

Both sides have a point, don’t they? The spender, with perhaps a deeper trust in the universe, can encourage the saver to see the abundant nature of reality. That’s an important truth for the saver to integrate into their being. The saver, however, emphasizes responsibility and proper stewardship, a truth the spender needs to integrate into his or her being in order to be more whole, balanced person.

Though both have a point, yet each is out of balance if they only see reality through their own lens. They need each other to become more balanced, whole people. In other words, the universe has brought the two of them together (you thought it was chemistry!) so that they can help each other see their respective blind spots.

Therefore, the purpose of any intimate relationship is not happiness. It’s wholeness. Now, I don’t mean that spiritually, for I’ve written a whole book debunking the “you complete me” mindset. Spiritually we are whole and complete. But psychologically we’re fragmented and out of balance. It’s like we have huge biceps, but weak and flabby triceps. The purpose of intimacy is to bring about your full development and evolution as an individual. Your current partner or your former partners (or even your future partners for that matter) have been, and will continue to be, masterfully chosen to help you become a more balanced, complete person.

Understanding this ultimate purpose in intimacy, that you have attracted your opposite for your own benefit and growth, changes your relationship completely. Now the other person’s differentness is a blessing rather than a curse. They are your ally rather than your enemy. Additionally, you don’t fight in an attempt to re-make each other into your respective images, arrogantly thinking your perspective is right and theirs is wrong, but you each commit to integrating the other’s perspective into your life, so that you both are more balanced, complete people.

So, go back to the list you made of the differences between you and your partner. Be honest now. Drop the ego for a minute. Don’t you need to be a bit more like them? If you’re a homebody, don’t you need to get out more and improve your social skills? And if you’re a party animal, don’t you need to see the complete beauty that exists in quiet, private moments?

If you’re raising children and you’re the permissive one, don’t you need to enforce a few more boundaries? And if you’re the disciplinarian, don’t you need to relax your incredibly high standards just a bit?

I’m a face-paced guy. Even if I’m not on a deadline, I’m in a hurry to get wherever I’m going. My wife, however, has never seen a rose she didn’t want to stop and smell. It drives me nuts. Why couldn’t I attract a woman who’s in a hurry all the time too? Well, because I’m out of balance. To be a more complete man, I need to learn to slow down and recognize that “there” is not better than “here,” to enjoy the perfection of the present instead of striving for fulfillment in the future. And oh, man, did God give me the woman for that!

The best spiritual growth playground that the universe has ever created is not a monastery, and ashram or even a church. It’s intimacy. While meditation, asanas and worship are fine, if you’re really interested in your full development as an individual, get into a committed relationship. Attract your opposite. You’ll be forced to evolve or die!

Roy Biancalana
Relationship Coach & Author
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

You should know that my perspective comes from personal experience. I did on-line dating for about 18 months and was on four different sites—Match, E-harmony, Yahoo Personals and Great Expectations. That experience taught me a lot—the hard way. I’ve also coached dozens and dozens of people who’ve been involved in on-line dating and listening to their tragedies and triumphs has also taught me a lot. So what I’m about to say is not coach-speak or ivory tower theory, but wisdom from the trenches. I’ll divide my straight talk into four parts: Principles, Practices, Profiles and Pictures.

PRINCIPLES
1. Being on-line isn’t necessary.
While many people have met someone and fallen in love via on-line dating, it really isn’t necessary. Does a flower have to “do” anything to attract bees? Of course not. It just lives its life looking beautiful and smelling wonderful and the bees find them. Likewise, all you need to “do” in order to attract the love of your life is be the happy, emotionally healthy, sweet-smelling beautiful “flower” that you are and your partner, man or woman, will find you. I’m not against on-line dating per say, it’s just that your Beingness is magnetic and attractive. It doesn’t need any help. That said, the Internet is a tool and you may want to give it a try. If so, read on.

2. Be happy being alone.
I’ve written an entire book on this subject, that’s how important it is. If you’re looking for a partner on-line (or anywhere else) because you feel a relationship will alleviate your loneliness or make you happy or emotionally complete, you’re in for a painful, rough road on-line (or in any dating situation). You must realize that you are happiness, that you are complete as a spiritual being, apart from anyone else. If there is any craving and neediness for love in you, you will attract a partner who also isn’t grounded in who they are, and speaking from personal experience, that leads to disaster. So before you go on-line, or even date at all, do your personal work. Read my book (you can find it on the homepage of my website), hire a coach (I know a really good one ☺) or a therapist and work on letting go the perceived need for a relationship to make you whole. For here’s the dirty little secret about the law of attraction as it pertains to relationships: You will only and always attract a partner that is as healthy as you are.

3. Be pickier than usual.
Whatever standards you have for a potential partner in your life (something we’ll discuss next), raise them when you go on-line. Be extremely picky, more than usual. Raise the bar—high. If you don’t, you’ll be overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of “okay” men and women and you don’t have time for “okay,” nor are you interested in “okay”—or at least you shouldn’t be. You want amazing. So only contact or respond to men or women who knock your socks off. If you find anything in their profile that doesn’t resonate with your heart 100%, don’t communicate with them. Trust me in this. It’ll save you a lot of heartache.

4. Begin with the end in mind.
When I used to teach golf, I’d frequently tell my students that the things you did before you swing the club determine your success or failure. Likewise, if you want the on-line experience to work for you, there are several issues you must be clear about before you go on-line.

First, you must decide what kind of relationship you want. One-night stands, casual dating or long-term committed monogamy are your only choices. Second, get clear on your basic requirements. Identify 3-5 must-haves (e.g. wants children) and 3-5 can’t-stands (e.g. smoking). You don’t need an overly long list, but you do need one that defines your basic boundaries.

Third, go much deeper and create a “Relationship Vision.” This is a feeling-tone, heart-yearning, emotional description of what you most want to experience in intimacy. Go deeper than your partner’s appearance and income. This can be done as a vision board, though I prefer my clients to write it out as a story.

Fourth, and most importantly, ask yourself, “Would the man or woman I’m visualizing be interested in me?” Remember: Like attracts like. You will never attract someone healthier, happier or more grounded than you are. You will attract after your own kind. So if you, as a woman, described your man as some incredible warrior-king, would he be interested in you? And guys, if you visualize an enchanting, gorgeous, goddess-woman, would she give you the time of day? What changes, what growth, what transformation needs to occur in your life so that when you meet the man or woman of your dreams, you are the fulfillment of their dreams?

(A short side note. This is where relationship coaching comes in. I support people who wish to be their most authentic, evolved selves and thus magnetically attract their reciprocal, glorious opposite and create an amazing intimacy. Most single people are not ready for, or capable of, deep authentic intimacy because of old emotional wounds and self-sabotaging unconscious patterns that have ruined and are ruining their ability to attract a healthy mate. People who are serious about wanting a great, satisfying relationship commit to coaching and serious self-development as the first step in that process. I would invite you to do that as well.)

5. Decide on your sexual boundaries.
Before you go on-line (or before you date, period), you must decide when you are going to allow things to become physical. What are your boundaries in this area? This is totally your decision and, of course, what you decide depends on what kind of relationship you want—one night stands, casual dating or long-term committed love. Each of those three types of relationships leads to a different sexual commitment, obviously.

I recommend to my clients who are interested in long-term intimacy (the only type clients I coach) to hold off on being sexual until the two of you are in an exclusive (which means, among other things, not on-line anymore!), committed couple. Now, you may reach that point after a few dates or after a few months. Time isn’t the issue, commitment is. In my experience, people have the most success and the least grief in their relationships when sexuality is an expression of commitment rather than an expression of chemistry. (I’ve written an extensive piece on this. It can be found on my website/blog under the title: The Third Wave of the Sexual Revolution.)

PRACTICES
Once those principles are a part of your life, you are then ready to go on-line. Here’s a nuts and bolts list on how to make Internet dating a positive experience.

1. Structure your on-line time.
I advise my clients to go on-line to look at profiles and communicate with potential matches just once a week, say, Sunday evening. That’s it. Don’t be doing this every day! You have a life to live, right? Live it. (If you don’t, get one!) I also recommend that you spend no more than 2 hours on the sites. Don’t be obsessive with on-line dating, for it can consume your time and energy.

2. Cut to the chase.
If you see or hear from someone amazing, get to a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible. Don’t get stuck in email / text message / phone call hell. Here’s how it should go: The man sends an email to a woman. (Ladies, you should rarely initiate. Be the flower, let the man be the bee.) This email should be short, sincere and mention something you like about their profile. Ask them to respond if they’re interested. Don’t contact them more than once. If they’re interested, they’ll respond.

If you’ve followed my advice on being picky, you’re only communicating with someone who sounds off-the-charts amazing. So if that’s the case, ladies, tell the guy something that resonates with you in his profile and give him your phone number. (Why wait? The guy’s seems amazing, right?) Then, guys, call her and ask her to meet you. Do this within one day of receiving her message. Don’t play games and wait a few days. She’s hot and you’re interested. It’s okay if she knows that! And don’t ask her out via email or text message. Have a little class. Call the woman.

3. Rules for your first meeting.
I beg you to listen to me here. This is so important and it will save you a lot of grief. The purpose of this first meeting (this is not a date!) is to see if they are who they said they are and to determine if you feel some chemistry with one another. With that purpose in mind, here are the rules.

First, agree to meet at a public place for coffee or tea—not drinks and definitely not dinner. Don’t meet at a restaurant/bar. Starbucks or Panera Bread will do. Keep alcohol and any significant financial commitment out of the first meeting. People lie and misrepresent themselves in their profiles. Don’t commit time and money on someone you don’t know. Second, agree to meet for a ½ hour. This way, if you don’t feel it, you’ve got an easy out. (It will only take you three minutes to determine if there is chemistry between the two of you, but making a three minute date might seem weird.) However, since this person seems amazing, you may want to SECRETLY leave some time open behind the ½ hour meeting in case he or she is amazing and you want the meeting to turn into a full-blown date.

4. Do NOT have sex.
Earlier we said it was your decision as to when you wanted to engage sexually with your partner. But as to this first meeting, I’m going to make the decision for you! ☺ If you are on-line to meet the love of your life and have an amazing committed long-term relationship, there are absolutely no circumstances—none!— in which it would be beneficial for you to have sex with them when you first meet. I don’t care if the chemistry is so thick you can hardly breathe, don’t get physical. A kiss goodbye, maybe, but that’s it.

I’m not saying this from a morality perspective. I’m coming from a sanity perspective. The Internet is full of players, married people and outright morons. Chemistry is a lousy judge of character! In fact, the minute you become sexual, your intuition shuts down, your ears no longer hear what a person is really saying and your eyes no longer see red flags. Be with the person for a while. Take a cold shower if you need to, but see if they’re for real. Determine if you’re compatible and then consummate your chemistry, compatibility and commitment by making love.

5. What to do if you don’t like them.
The final rule is about what to do if you find you’re not interested in seeing this person again. This is the hardest rule, yet if you want to be a truly caring person, it’s a must. Tell them the unvarnished truth. Don’t sugar coat it. If you don’t want to see them again, say this: “You seem like a really nice person but I don’t feel a fit between us. Thanks for taking the time to meet with me. I wish you all the best.” Then walk away.

Men, don’t be a wuss and say you’ll call them when you know you have no intention of doing so. And ladies, don’t say you’d like him to call you again if you already know you won’t answer the phone! You are not hurting a person’s feelings if you say you’re not interested. (What you’re actually doing is protecting yours!) Honor them with your truth.

PROFILES
Writing a good profile is a critical part of having a positive on-line experience. Yet I’ve seen far too many men and women hardly put any thought or time into theirs. This is a huge, huge mistake. Your profile (in a perfect world) serves as a filter, ensuring that you attract only those who might be a good fit for you and keeping the others away. Now, I realize we don’t live in a perfect world. You will be contacted by people who never read your profile. If your pictures look good, that’s enough for them. But the better the profile, the less this happens.

Writing a good profile begins by asking yourself a critical question: Who are you writing to? Most people make the mistake of writing to the masses of men or women on-line since that’s who’s going to read it. It’s logical to think, “There are hundreds or even thousands of people who are going to read this, so I want to write something that is widely appealing and gives a general feel for who I am and what I’m looking for.”

Read the very next sentence as if I was screaming it at you, because I am: That is exactly what you DON’T want to do!!! You don’t want to appeal to the masses; you want to appeal to just one person, the person who appears in your relationship vision.

Sit down in front of your computer and imagine the man or woman of your dreams—and talk to them, and them only. In other words, share your relationship vision. Tell them who you are; tell them about the kind of relationship you’d like to have with them; tell them what would melt your heart and buckle your knees.

Your profile needs to be very personal, of a decent length (at least 300 words) and a real expression of your depth and heart. Because remember: like attracts like. If you want a man or woman of depth, then your profile better be an expression of your depth. Your potential partner is on-line reading hundreds of profiles and most of them are silly, shallow drivel. He or she is looking for a special person, someone of depth. So show that part of yourself.

Get over any fears about being too deep and personal on-line. What’s the big deal? All you’re revealing is what your heart most yearns for in a relationship. Is that something to be ashamed of, or to be kept quiet? Of course not! You’re on-line to meet the love of your life. So be authentic and personal. Express your depth. It will catch the eye of your reciprocal: a man or woman dreaming of someone like you.

However, being personal does NOT mean being inappropriate. Don’t talk about your past relationships, your personal problems or your childhood wounds. And definitely don’t talk about sex! Unless you’re on-line to simply get laid, there should not be a single word about anything sexual. You don’t have to say you like sex and romance. Who doesn’t? Guys, if you mention anything about sex, a woman of any depth won’t respond to you. It’s creepy. And ladies, if you mention anything about how passionate and affectionate you are, you’ll just be inundated with single-minded men.

Another issue to not discuss in your profile is your income. You can and should talk about what you do for a living, but don’t say what you make or even what your income range is. Many on-line sites actually have a place where you list your income range. Leave it blank, especially if you’re a man. Here’s why. If shallow, unevolved men are primarily interested in a woman’s body and appearance (and they are), so shallow, unevolved women are primarily interested in a man’s finances. If you say you make 200k in your profile, it’s akin to a woman showing her cleavage in her pictures. You will have a lot of people contacting you, but they will be more interested in the size of your bank account than in the size of your heart.

Your profile should go into depth about who you are. Talk about your favorite vacation spots, books, movies, hobbies and interests, whether it’s art, fitness, music, sports, politics or spirituality. And then go deeper. Tell them why these things are so meaningful to you. Open your heart. If something is a big deal in your life it should be reflected in your profile. If I wrote a profile now, I would spend a lot of time discussing my spiritual interests, my commitments to my son and my fitness routines. Those are hugely important things in my life.

Tell them your exact age and don’t lie. It’ll come back to bite you. Tell them about your children (if you have them) and include their ages. If you don’t have kids but want them, definitely include that. This kind of detail gives a person a window into your soul and it will attract someone who resonates with you.

Finally, let’s talk about how to lay out your profile. Here’s a simple, effective format. It begins with the basics and moves toward the personal.

1. Tell them what kind of relationship you’re interested in. This should be the first sentence and it will begin to thin the herd. For example, “I am a woman (or man…make this work for you) who is looking for a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship with man of spiritual and emotional depth.” That will chase off some “players,” and that’s a good thing.

2. Tell them who you are. The previous few paragraphs spoke to this. You’re starting to go deeper.

3. Lay out your basic “must haves” and “can’t stands.” It might say, for example, “I’d love to be in a relationship with a person who is financially stable, wants children and is a devoted Christian. I am not interested in being with someone who smokes, is a partier, or leads a sedentary life.”

4. Describe your relationship vision. This is the most personal part of the profile and it should express your heart’s deepest desire of what you dream of experiencing in intimacy. At this point, there are very, very few left in the herd, which is exactly what you want.

5. Wrap it up by inviting them to contact you if they completely resonate with what you’ve written, and then state your policies of interacting with people on-line. For example, this is what I recommend my female clients say: “If you resonate with everything in my profile, I’d love to hear from you. I’ll look at your profile and if I feel a connection as well, I’ll send you my phone number. I’m not interested in wasting time emailing and texting. I’m too busy for that. Let’s talk on the phone and if that goes well, we’ll meet for a ½ hour at a local coffee shop and take it from there. Thank you for taking the time to read my profile. All the best, (your first name.)”

PICTURES
The old saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words” is definitely true when it comes to on-line photos. In other words, your pictures speak volumes about you (maybe more than what you’ve written), so this needs to be thought through.

Both men and women should have a least two pictures on their on-line page. The first should be a very clear head shot. Let them see your face, not from a distance or in a group with poor lighting, but in a single, up-close head shot. The second should be a full-body photo taken in clothes that allow someone to see the basic shape of your body. (Not too revealing though. More about that in a minute). If you want to have other photos of you with your friends, your dog, your kids, etc., fine. But you must have these two photos and they must be extremely recent. You should put up new photos every three months. If you show up for your first meeting and you don’t look like your photos, it’s over.

The law of attraction says, “like attracts like,” and this is true of your photos. If you’ve got a lot of photos of you partying with your friends, you’ll attract a partier. Now, maybe you are a partier, so just think this through. And if you’re looking for a relationship that is about much more than sexual chemistry then don’t put provocative pictures on your profile.

It’s always amazing to hear a woman say she’s being contacted by guys who only want “one thing” and then you see that her page has a picture of her in a bikini and other half-naked photos! Make sure your pictures match you and your relationship vision.

As for you men, would you please stop taking pictures of yourself in the mirror?! If you want to meet the woman of your dreams, put a little effort into it. Show her that you’re not a cheap-ass and get some decent photos made of you.

The important thing for both men and women is to have your pictures accurately and authentically express who you really are. Don’t present an image that you think the man or woman of your dreams wants to see. Be yourself. If you’re the kind of guy who wears a Pittsburg Stealers jersey all the time, then put that picture up there. Don’t wear a suit. And ladies, if you’re a dress-to-the-nines kind of woman, then have your pictures reflect that. (Note to “Jersey Guy”: Don’t contact dress-up girl!)

Roy Biancalana
Author & Relationship Coach
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

Think of yourself as a piece of a puzzle. You have a particular shape and you also fit perfectly with another piece. In other words, you have a reciprocal match, someone that goes with you, much like cookies go with milk. As long as your psychological and emotional “shape” remains the same, you will always attract the same kinds of partners. It cannot be otherwise. Let me give you an example.

If a woman is a nurturing, selfless caregiver (read: doormat), if that’s her “shape,” then she will always attract a narcissistic man. Self-ish people go with self-less people. They need each other. They match. No matter how deeply a woman resolves to never again be in a relationship with a narcissist, if her emotional shape remains the same, she’ll always find herself with selfish men.

Here’s another very common example. Let’s say a woman’s pattern is attracting men who won’t commit. I call them “runners.” That’s their shape. They run from intimacy and commitment. What must her shape be? Well, she must be his reciprocal opposite. She must be a “clinger.” Runners and clingers go together, like cookies and milk.

For the longest time, my relationship shape was that of a hero. I took care of women. I spoiled them. Therefore, I attracted overwhelmed damsels-in-distress, women who were exhausted and needed to be taken care of. Heroes and victims go together.

Here’s the bottom line. Groundhog Day will continue—eternally—unless you Shape-Shift. If you stay a “cookie,” you’ll keep attracting “milk.” If you want a satisfying love life, you must work with a good relationship coach and change your emotional shape. And when you do, you will no longer attract the same kinds of partners. Being a healthier, more authentic version of your self will allow you to effortlessly attract a healthier, more authentic partner.

Roy Biancalana
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

Question #1: Are you compromising any significant desire or dream in order to be in the relationship?

Someone is “The One” if there is nothing of importance that you are giving up in exchange for being in the relationship. If a relationship is healthy, it allows for—even insists on—the realization of personal goals and dreams, not the limitation of them. If you have to abandon your dreams or limit yourself in any way in order to be with someone, it’s a sign you’re with the wrong person.

Question #2: Does your partner have all of your “must haves” and none of your “can’t stands”?

We all want chemistry, yet to make it work long-term, we must have a deeper connection. Someone is “The One,” if they have all the qualities you “must have” and none of the qualities you “can’t stand.” For example, when I was single a few years ago, I wanted a woman devoted to her spiritual evolution, took responsibility for her feelings and took care of herself physically. I would not stand for smoking, a disinterest in sex or workaholism. So, while chemistry is important, don’t let it keep you from insisting on other qualities that are critical to building a long-term union.

Question #3: Would you be completely happy, if from this moment on, nothing about your partner or your relationship ever changed?

Imagine this: What if five years from now everything about your partner is exactly the same as it is now? For example, what if they never make more money, become more emotionally available, watch less TV, show spiritual interest or control their temper? What if they never change? Would you still be happy?

You can’t be in love with fantasy. You must be in love with reality—the person they are now—not the person you hope they will become. So, assume nothing changes. If you’re ecstatically happy at that thought, you’ve found “The One.”

Roy Biancalana
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

That’s why I’ve always been drawn to the “Dummies” book series. There’s one for almost everything. For example, there’s Getting Your Book Published for Dummies, Windows 7 for Dummies, Quickbooks for Dummies, and so on. I love these books because they make complicated subjects easy to understand.

Interestingly, there is no Enlightenment for Dummies book. That’s tragic because millions of people, me included, are interested in enlightenment and looking for clear direction. Although there are many books that describe the spiritual journey to freedom, they’re usually very long and complicated. There’s not much for us K.I.S.S. people. What is needed is a spiritual roadmap for “dummies,” one that is easy to understand and even easier to apply.

The good news is that there is such a roadmap and it’s so easy to follow, even a caveman could do it. I want to share three simple and straightforward questions that, if earnestly contemplated and diligently applied, will allow anyone to recognize their true spiritual nature and experience a happiness that is untouchable by circumstance.

Before we dive into question one, you should know that if you merely read these questions, they will no more change your life, or enlighten you, than reading a golf book would make you a professional golfer. You must seriously engage and live with the questions allowing each of them to become your personal mantra from moment to moment. Second, they must be done in order. Like an onion being pealed layer by layer, these questions begin on the surface, and then go deeper and deeper, until finally you discover the supreme reality of who you are. Just as a baby is not born one day and able to do ballet the next, so most people’s awakening occurs over time. Now, with that said, here are the questions.

1. What are you up to?
This question begins on the very surface of our lives, at the doing level, by asking us to pay attention to our actions and the motives that drive them. This question asks you to turn your attention inward and ask, “What am I up to in this moment? What’s driving me right now? Why am I doing what I’m doing? Why am I acting like this, reacting like this, interacting like this?” This is not about being harsh or judgmental toward yourself, it’s just about being curious about your motives and what you’re up to.

Let me give you a very practical example of how I practice this in my life. Every time I prepare to post something on Facebook or comment on someone else’s post, I ask myself, “Roy, what are you up to?” Why? Because I know, from experience, that if I’m asleep to my particular personality pattern (a.k.a. Ego!), if I’m not paying attention and asking myself what I’m up to, I’ll post something or make a comment that is competitively motivated. I will challenge or disagree with someone’s post, all in an attempt to make myself look good. Needless to say, I’m not proud of that, but it is what happens if I’m spiritually asleep and fail to ask, “What are you up to?”

The same thing has (and is) happening to you in every area of your life—if you’re not living with the mantra, “What am I up to?” Your personality, or ego, is motivating your actions and reactions. Of course, your personality may be different than mine, for there are nine different personalities or ego types. (We’ll talk about this in a minute.) So while I can be competitive, you might be critical, envious, manipulative, or domineering when you’re not paying attention to what you’re up to.

So, the first layer of the onion to be pealed on the path to enlightenment is to understand our personality/ego structure and the way it expresses itself in our lives. For if we’re blind to its motives, we will experience drama, conflict and suffering with everyone and everything in life.

So what are YOU up to?
• Is your helpfulness and service to others actually an attempt to get other’s approval and love? Why are you really so nice?
• Is your optimistic and always “up” attitude actually your way of not facing painful issues? What is your happy face hiding? What are you not facing?
• When you drink or party, is it really because you “just like to have a good time with friends,” or are you simply medicating the ever-present anxiety and loneliness you feel? What are you up to when you order another drink?
• Is your devotion to a person, an organization or a particular belief system masking a deep sense of feeling unprotected, afraid and insecure? What’s the real reason you’re so devoted?
• Is your take-charge and take-no-prisoners attitude really an attempt at avoiding your underlying feelings of vulnerability and weakness? Why do you really seek positions of leadership?
• Is your peaceful, easy-going manner just an act designed to avoid conflict, fit in and stay close to others? What are you up to when you’re always being so agreeable?
• It is true that your intense work ethic stems from loving what you do, as you say it does, or is it driven by a desire to prove your value and worthiness to the world? What’s the real goal of your career?

I define enlightenment as Seeing Yourself Clearly. In my view, the question, “What are you up to?” is a great way to begin the quest for recognizing your Original Face, as the Buddhists like to say. Each personality/ego has a particular set of motives, assumptions and fixations. The first step on the path to enlightenment is to become deeply aware of your particular personality pattern. I have found that the very best tool available in the world today to help you do that, to “Know Thyself,” as the ancient Greeks used to say, is a personality tool called, The Enneagram (pronounced “any-a-gram”).

The Enneagram is a profoundly accurate and powerful spiritual growth tool. It is far superior to the Myers-Briggs and the DISC. There’s no comparison. It not only describes the nine basic personality types, but it also describes each type’s motives, assumptions, dark side, and best of all, it outlines a path of growth for each type.

Let me make a very bold statement. Every single serious spiritual seeker should not only know their type, but become a student of the Enneagram as a whole. It is an indispensible part of the journey to enlightenment. For more information, I would encourage you to read Don Riso and Russ Hudson’s book, The Wisdom of the Enneagram. I would also encourage you to visit these two excellent and informative websites: www.enneagraminstitute.com and www.enneagramworldwide.com.

If your awakening is a priority for you, then not only should you become a student of the Enneagram, you should make, “What are you up to?” a mantra that you live with consistently. Silently utter it to yourself before every conversation or activity you engage in. You’ll be amazed at what’s revealed.

2. What’s here now?
After a time—and it might be months, and possibly years—of living with the mantra, “What are you up to?”, you will become so familiar with your self (small “s”), that you will begin to feel bored. In other words, navel-gazing will eventually get old because there won’t be anything new to discover about your self. Contrary to most new age thought, which is usually nothing more than spiritualized narcissism, we aren’t difficult to understand nor are we all that interesting.

When this boredom sets in, it signals that you’re ready for the next question, which is, “What’s here now?” If the first question began on the surface level of doing, this one takes us deeper, into the level of feeling. “What are you up to?” challenged us to function better by examining our egos. “What’s here now?” allows us to feel better by examining our experience. This question opens us, not only to a deeper feeling of inner peace, but it also gives us a small glimpse into our true spiritual identity.

“What’s here now?” means this: What are you actually experiencing, right now, in this present moment? If you stop reading for a minute and ask yourself that—now, you’ll notice that immediately all thinking stops. The mind’s preoccupation with past memories and future stories quiets, and we instantly begin feeling the present reality.

This question invites you to be like a radar screen in an air traffic control tower. You effortlessly scan your bodymind, and notice any and all “blips” that appear on the “screen.” In other words, you become the witness or the observer of whatever is occurring in the present moment.

As you scan the bodymind as the witnessing presence, you’ll notice pictures, sounds or sensations (or any combination of them). A “picture” is either something you physically see, or something you’re visualizing. Sounds are the same. You can actually hear something, like an audible voice, or you can “hear” thoughts, what’s known as the voice in the head. A sensation is simply a physical feeling in the body—tightness, tingling or throbbing, for example.

Let me give you an example of how this works. Not long ago, I was driving home after speaking at a conference and I asked, “What’s here now?” I immediately noticed a pressing down sensation above my eyebrows. As I continued witnessing the present moment, I noticed a “sound,” the voice in my head, trying to figure out what the sensations meant. Instantly, a big story formed. I labeled myself sad and the sadness was because my career was out of alignment! Wow.

Did I choose or cause any of this? Did I choose to make my eyebrows feel heavy? No! The sensation came on its own. Did I choose to create some big scary story? No! It just popped into my head. This kind of thing happens hundreds of times a day. Sensations, pictures and sounds are arising all the time—when you’re washing dishes, talking to your boss, getting dressed, eating dinner or driving a car—and then your mind tries to figure out what it all means, which, in turn, leads to a big scary story.

What does any of this have to do with enlightenment, you ask? Well, everything. When you notice sensations, pictures and/or sounds and the stories the mind creates in reaction to them, you have two choices. One leads to peace, the other leads to suffering. Back to my example.

Initially, I chose suffering. How? Easy. While I didn’t choose the sensation itself or the story the mind created about it, I did, however, choose to believe the story and then allow myself to get lost in it. In other words, I took the story to be true! I believed my mind. Since I believed it, I then got lost in worry about the future and what I was going to do. I felt confused and scared and then actually felt sick to my stomach. In other words, I got my panties all up in a bunch because I believed the story the mind told about why I felt a simple pressing down sensation over my eyebrows! (Go ahead and laugh.)

There was, however, another choice to be made. I could have remained as the witnessing presence of the entire drama, noticing the sensation and the story, yet not believing it or taking it seriously. I did not have to listen to or believe the mind’s interpretation. It was just a sensation to be welcomed, felt and allowed to run its course. If crying occurred, so be it. If the sensation intensified or weakened, so be it. If the mind tells stories, I don’t have to listen, they can simply be witnessed and released.

Here’s the “aha” moment of enlightenment. It’s recognizing this: I am the witness, not what’s being witnessed. I’m not the sensation, nor am I the story about it. I am that which is aware of the sensation and the story, yet I, as the witness, remain unaffected by it. That is the first glimpse of enlightenment: recognizing that you are the seer, not what’s seen. You are the hearer, not what’s heard. You are the feeler, not what’s felt. When you tune into the present moment by asking, “What’s here now?”, you realize that everything that is arising is occurring in, or on, that which you are. If that’s confusing, think of it this way.

In a movie theater, images appear on the screen. The screen never changes nor is it affected by whatever kind of movie is showing, whether it’s a horror movie or a romantic comedy. “Images” come and go, but the screen remains unaffected. You, as the witness, are the “screen” and the “images” (pictures, sensations, sounds, stories, events, circumstances, etc.) are what appears in or on you, but you remain unaffected by the “movie.”

“But what if your career was out of alignment, Roy? Should you ignore those thoughts?” In a word—yes. I’ve found that if some change or shift is needed, it will reveal itself in a deep, quiet knowingness. And it will arise, not in an atmosphere of worry, fear and anxiety but as a peaceful, effortless knowing of what, when and how to move in a new direction.

There is much more to be said on the subject of the witness and how to let go of mind created suffering. I would invite you to investigate the Sedona Method at www.sedona.com.

3. Who am I–NOT?
If we have diligently lived with and practiced the mantras, “What are you up to?” and “What’s here now?”, we will have let go of identifying ourselves exclusively as Ego and as Experience. We are That which is aware of those things, yet remain unaffected by them. We are simply the screen on, or in which, Ego and Experience appear. With that understanding, we are now ready to fully recognize Essence.

Authentic spiritual teachers, mystics and sages have a bizarre way of helping a person discover Essence, their true spiritual identity. They espouse an approach that is completely counter-intuitive. Instead of asking you to find out who you are, they ask you to investigate who you’re not. In other words, your true spiritual identity is discovered by a process of elimination. In Sanskrit this is called, Neti, Neti, (not this, not that)—or—“Who am I—NOT?”

This question invites us to interrogate, one by one, through meditation and contemplation, every picture, sensation, sound or story; every thought, emotion, role or experience, and simply ask, “Am I that?” Am I any of those things? Am I my name? My story? My ego? My body?” What the enlightened teachers tell us is that if we do such inquiry, if we engage in this spiritual process of elimination, we will realize the answer to every question is “no.” We are not any thing that can be witnessed or observed, we are That which witnesses or observes all those things. You and I are what’s left when every thing else has been eliminated. When we disidentify from all objects arising in awareness, we realize we ARE Awareness.

So, if you are interested in enlightenment, seeing your Self clearly, recognizing your Original Face, your true spiritual identity, then live with the mantra, “Who am I—NOT?” In moments of meditation, ask the following questions. As you do, sit in silence and stillness for at least a minute and allow insight to arise.

• I have a name, but I am not my name. If I take away my name, what’s left? Who am I?
• I have a story, but I am not my story. If I take away my story, what’s left? Who am I?
• I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. If I take away my thoughts, what’s left? Who am I?
• I have emotions, but I am not my emotions. If I take away my emotions, what’s left? Who am I?
• I have a body, but I am not my body. If I take away my body, what’s left? Who am I?
• I have roles, but I am not my roles. If I take away my roles, what’s left? Who am I?

You and I are That which remains when all objects are removed. When the process of elimination is complete, and you recognize that you aren’t any thing that can be seen or experienced, you’re left with the simple, peaceful realization that you ARE Awareness.

“Nothing real can be threatened; nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.”
A Course in Miracles.

Roy Biancalana
Author & Relationship Coach
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

In the article, Fonda shares that she was “always afraid to be without a man and how a breakup taught her what real intimacy requires.” I can certainly relate to that. Between the ages of 16 and 45, there was not a single day of my life in which I wasn’t in a committed relationship. One of the reasons for that was that I, too, was deathly afraid of being alone, and also like Fonda, it was a breakup that turned out to be what woke me up.

What Jane Fonda and I have discovered was that we were looking to our partner’s to alleviate our loneliness, create a feeling of aliveness and validate our worth. In a sense, we turned our life partners into life sources. They were like a drug. We needed them to make us feel whole, safe and complete. This is so common that it has its own name: Relationship Addiction. In fact, I’ve written a book on the subject and it’s appropriately titled, A Drink with Legs. But rather than me tell you about this intimacy-killing issue, listen to what Ms. Fonda says:

“I always had a penchant for falling in love. Every time I found myself without a mate, I fell into a state of low-sizzling panic.” Even though Fonda was a political activist, a fitness icon, a staunch feminist and a successful actress, she was so devastated by her second divorce that she had a nervous breakdown.

A few years later, after another difficult breakup, this one with media mogul Ted Turner, instead of continuing her usual pattern of simply moving on to another man, another “drink” if you will, she spent two weeks alone, living at her daughter’s house while she was in Paris. Listen to the beautiful insight that came amidst her solitude:

“I raked leaves in her yard, read, and went for long walks. On my third day there, I was in a tiny bedroom with my golden retriever, Roxy, when suddenly it hit me: I don’t need a man to feel whole. In my marriages, I’d lost parts of who I was because I was trying to mold myself into what I thought a man wanted me to be. After that, nine busy years passed without a relationship. I wasn’t even looking. Instead, I worked on myself.”

How did Fonda going “cold turkey” and dating herself turn out? Listen to how she describes her new relationship with Richard Perry:

“At 73…I’ve recently made two movies; I’m writing; I go away by myself. I have my own life and Richard doesn’t care that I don’t share every single aspect of it with him. I’m not losing myself in this relationship, I’m bringing myself—the real Jane—and he’s giving me his real self too. Richard and I have an emotional intimacy I’ve never experienced before, because we’re both coming into this relationship whole. We don’t censor ourselves, or leave what we think may not be good enough outside, on the porch. I don’t know what will happen…but…I have a confidence about my life that comes from standing tall on my own two feet.”

So, where do you stand in relation to Fonda’s journey? Are you still in the “sleeping” stage, looking for a partner’s love to meet your emotional needs? Do you have a bit of the “you complete me” mindset stirring around in your soul and creating havoc in your love life? If you’re like most, I’m pretty sure the answer is “yes.” Think about it. If an independently wealthy and ardent feminist like Fonda suffered from this issue, anyone can. In my opinion, to one degree or another, about 90% of us are looking for a love relationship to make us feel special, alive and whole. It permeates our culture, being communicated through romantic comedies, magazine articles and especially pop music. For example, Kesha’s hit song, Your Love is My Drug is a prime example, but I could list dozens of others.

What do you do if this is true of you? Well, you could take Jane Fonda’s route. You could spend 9 years on your own, working on yourself. But that isn’t necessary. There’s a much easier—and quicker!—way. You can simply read my book. It outlines a spiritual—yet practical—step-by-step process to wake up from the “you complete me” mindset and create relationship bliss. It worked for me and I know it will for you as well. And the best part is you won’t have to wait 9 years to be in the relationship of your dreams! My book will get you there in probably 9 weeks.

If Jane Fonda teaches us anything, it’s this: It’s never too late to wake up. And it’s not too late for you. No matter how much relationship debris lay in your past, you can wake up, discover you are whole and create a healthy, fulfilling love life. If Fonda can do it at 73, you can do it now.

You can purchase my book as an e-book or a paperback only on my website. A blissful love life awaits you.

Roy Biancalana
Author & Relationship Coach
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687=-3387