Questions Women Ask About Love, Sex and Dating

Roy Biancalana
Author and Certified Relationship Coach
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

Special note on this blog:
This series of questions and answers about love, sex and dating was originally written for Brite Girl Magazine, an Orlando, Florida publication devoted to young professional women. B.R.I.T.E. stands for Beautiful, Resourceful, Intelligent, Thoughtful and Emotionally-connected.

Question #1:
Why do men stop calling? Why can’t they at least tell you that they aren’t interested instead of dropping off the planet? And why do I keep attracting a man like this?!

Dear Brite Girl,
The dictionary defines moron as, “any guy who chooses not to pursue a Brite Girl when he meets one.” In my profession, vanishing men are called, “Disappearing Insensitive Communicators”, or, DIC’s, for short. It’s obvious that these DIC’s just aren’t into you. Don’t take it personally.

Frankly, would knowing why a guy’s disappeared make a difference? What are you going to do? Change yourself to make him like you? Maybe the DIC doesn’t call because he’s married; maybe he’s intimidated by your Brite-ness, or maybe he resents women because his mommy put his diapers on too tight! Who knows! And honestly, who cares? He’s not your kind of guy. He’s a DIC. Your kind of guy wants you! Trying to figure out why some men do the things they do is useless. But asking why you attract disappearing men is a very brave and valuable question. I suggest you explore one strong possibility.

The most basic law of love is that opposites attract. Since you’re attracting “splitters,” men who run off, you may be a “clinger.” Is there any neediness in you? Do you have a strong desire to attach? Are you obsessed with finding love? Are you putting out the “you complete me” vibe? Your results indicate that you are. Women who cling always attract men who run. They go together like cookies and milk. But when you realize that you are a goddess, that you are whole, complete and in need of nothing—especially a man—in that moment, you will begin attracting honest, emotionally available men who want nothing more than to be with you.

Question #2:
Does moving in together before marriage scare men and does it decrease the chance that he will propose to me and put a ring on my finger?

Dear Brite Girl,
Finding a man who isn’t a little afraid, if not outright terrified of commitment, is like trying to find a woman who doesn’t like chocolate and shopping! It happens, yes, but it’s extremely rare. The hard-wired priority of the masculine nature is to pursue his chosen mission free of constraint. So at the masculine’s most primitive level, the idea of moving in with a woman (not to mention getting married to her!), feels constraining and therefore puts the fear of God into him. However, a mature evolved man, the kind of man a true Brite Girl wants, realizes that his life partner enhances his ability to give his gift to the world, not detracts from it.

That said, living together will not decrease your chances of getting a ring—only you can do that. If you want to get married, if that’s your heart’s desire, then tell your man that you love him and that getting married is really important to you. If the two of you are close enough to live together, you’re close enough to get married. The idea of living together as an experiment to determine if you are right for one another is altogether misguided. If your relationship has progressed that far, you have (or you better have!) been exclusive for at least six months, worked through a conflict or two, fully disclosed your financial situation, discussed your sexual history and seen how each other live. What more is there to learn? If you are the woman of his dreams and if he’s evolved beyond his innate fear of commitment, he will formally claim you as his woman. If he’s not willing to do that, perhaps he’s not the man of your dreams.

Question 3
With all the responsibilities of life, e.g., being a mom, a career woman, etc., sometimes sex becomes sort of a chore. How do we combat this and keep the spice flowing?

Dear Brite Girl,
You’re kidding, right? What’s not sexy about diapers, Barney videos and soccer games? (Okay, I may have dated myself with the Barney reference.) Erection appears fast, but when it comes to sex, the penis relaxes, I lead the sexual act to a logical end, but it hasn’t been so earlier. I’ve read a lot of information on and decided to try Viagra. I made an experiment with the wife (but I didn’t tell her about the pill) – the drug acts in 20 minutes in case of stimulation (I looked at the clock because it was the first experiment). Well, now I have solved the sexual problem. Erection occurs only when it is necessary. And just because you’re exhausted by ten hour work days and a recession that just won’t quit, you’re not going to use that as excuse for not being a tiger in bed, are you? Obviously, life does sometimes get in the way of a great sex life, but there are some things you can do to keep it “spicy.”

Before we get into specifics, make sure your intimate relationship is your number one priority. If it falls apart, everything does. Just ask anyone whose parents divorced. Also, understand that as a working woman and/or mother, your sex life will be experienced differently than it was when you were in college. Life has changed but it can still be fun and erotic. Here’s how.

First, recognize that men are like blow torches. Turn their knob and they’re ready to go. But women are more like a crock pots. You need to slowly simmer all day and that means foreplay. Flirt with each other via text; kiss passionately every day; touch each other whenever possible. Second, since you’re simmering and craving one another, perfect the art of the mid-week quickie. Time is short; get a bang for your buck. Third, plan what I call, “booty binges.” Arrange life so that you can linger in bed for hours on a Sunday morning. Find another couple and take each other’s kids for the night or a weekend. Knowing that you have a romantic rendezvous planned is extremely erotic.

Finally, the best thing you can do keep your relationship “spicy” is to resolve any and all conflicts that arise between the two of you. Nothing ruins romance like resentments.