Signs Your Guy Is Married

Signs Your Guy Is Married
Roy Biancalana
Author and Certified Relationship Coach
www.coachingwithroy.com

Nothing is more frustrating than to date a guy and discover he’s married. It seems it happens all the time. In fact, one of my clients (I’m a relationship coach) just found out that the guy she was living with for over two years was still married!
This article seeks to examine how to stop this from happening to you. But before we talk about the actual signs married men give off to their dates and/or girlfriends–yes, they always give signs of the truth, you just have to have your eyes open to spot them–we begin the conversation at a curious, and perhaps, a maddening place.
The first question to ask yourself if you’re a single woman who seems to attract married men is this: What’s the payoff or the benefit to YOU for attracting unavailable men? Yes, I am saying there’s a self-serving reason for attracting this kind of experience into your life. (Remember, there is no such thing as a victim. We are responsible for what occurs in our lives.) Does that make you mad? It might. But usually, and the percentage is very high, women who attract married men actually want to attract married men.
As strange as that sounds, take a moment and ask yourself why you might actually want a man who ultimately isn’t available to you. To get you started, let me give you three issues to explore.
First, you may be at a point in your life where you really aren’t seriously interested in a long term, committed relationship. But you still want attention and affection. So a relationship that is convenient but can’t really go anywhere might be exactly what you want. And what we unconsciously want always wins out over what we say or think we want. So, are you really ready to go deep with a man, to jump in with both feet? If not, you may be attracting the perfect man to match your unconscious commitment.
Secondly, are you afraid of commitment? I know that’s supposed to be a man thing, but many women are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship. Maybe that’s your history: losing contact with you, with your desires, dreams or goals and setting all that aside to be with a guy. Maybe you’ve unconsciously said, “Never again will I allow a relationship to derail my commitment to my kids, my career, my spiritual path.” If so, then married men are perfect for you. Check in with yourself and see if you’re really open for a deep vulnerable commitment.
Third, are you afraid of being rejected and/or abandoned? Many women have been hurt by alcoholic fathers, disappearing boyfriends or husbands, etc. Love has been a source of great pain and so unconsciously they’ve decided not to let a man get that close again. To love is to risk pain, hurt and rejection. They could leave; they could find someone younger or prettier; they could fall out of love; they could move away for family or career. So if you’re afraid of being hurt by love, a married man is perfect because you can’t get too close. No matter how hot and steamy the sex may be, the relationship can only progress so far. It’s safe; you’re safe.
Now, if you do deep inquiry into your life and find that none of those are really true of you, then here are a few signs the guy you’re dating is married.
1. He has children and won’t let you meet them. If a guy keeps his kids away from you, it’s usually a sign he doesn’t want them to meet you. That would be hard to explain: “Daddy, why are you hugging and kissing her? Won’t mommy be mad?” Now, there is a time when it’s too soon to let your children meet a new partner. In fact, it’s irresponsible to bring a bunch of partners in and out of children’s lives. So wait until the relationship is solid and appears to be permanent before getting the children involved. That should be at least 3 months. But if he’s keeping his kids away from you, chances are he’s married.
2. He falls of the grid and disappears frequently. This may seem obvious, but if you can’t get ahold of your guy for long stretches of time (more than one day), chances are he’s with his family and he can’t return your call or text. Be on the alert for lame excuses for why he didn’t call you back for three days.
3. He can’t spend holidays with you. Married guys can get out of a lot of family commitments; they can get out of a lot of husband duties and responsibilities, but they can hardly ever make an excuse to their spouse about why they can’t be there for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter and the fourth of July. Beware of your guy saying he has to see his dad or mom for the holidays! It’s a load of crap.
4. He says, “wife” but then corrects himself to “ex.” Yes, if a guy was married a while, he may, out of force of habit, call his ex, “wife.” But very often it’s sign he’s married. He really doesn’t see her as his ex (cause she’s not!) and so unconsciously he blurts out “wife” instead of “ex.” Beware of his misspeaking about his “ex.”
5. He has a weird relationship with his “ex.” The client I referred to at the beginning of this article is a case in point. He often stopped by his ex’s, the woman he supposedly divorced 10 years earlier, to fix things around the house! Yes, it’s nice if a guy has a friendly, cooperative relationship with his ex, but there’s a limit. Beware of a guy who spends too much time there, does too many nice things, and pays too much attention to his “old life.”
Those are just a few of the signs the guy you’re seeing is married. Maybe you know of others. If so, I’d love to hear them. Visit my site, www.coachingwithroy.com for my contact information.

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