It’s deeply frustrating and discouraging to meet what seems to be a good guy, begin dating him, even sleep with him, only to find out he’s married. It happens far too often.
As a relationship coach, hardly a week goes by when a client doesn’t share a story like that with me. This dating advice, self help article will show you how to keep this from happening to you.
Married men give off signs. If you know what they are, you will save yourself a lot of heartache.
A warning though: I’m not suggesting you meet every man with suspicion, for carrying such fear will darken your radiance and chase away Superior men. Having an open, trusting heart is critical in attracting a healthy relationship. Yet, that doesn’t mean you should keep your head in the sand either.
When I say married men give off signs that they’re married, I know what I’m talking about, for I was one of them. It’s not something I’m proud of, but more than a decade ago, I led a double life for a short period of time.
I was in a plutonic, disappointing marriage, and rather than confront that and get divorced, I had an affair. Neither woman knew I was married. It was a cowardly time of my life, yet when the truth came out, I was forced to face some pretty dark things about myself, all of which are shared in my self help memoir:
Every single one of the signs I’m going to share in this article where exhibited in my life. So, again, I’m not sharing theory, anecdotes or research. This is as practical and real as it gets.
Now, before we get to the signs, I’m going to take this discussion in a very unexpected direction. It may anger you too, but it’s essential that we talk about you before we talk about the men. I invite you muster up as much curiosity as possible because this may be hard to swallow.
If you’re a single woman reading this piece, you most likely have some experience, if not a history of attracting married men. If that’s true, then ask yourself this question: What’s the payoff or the benefit in attracting such men? We are not victims. Things don’t happen “to us,” they happen “by us” or because of us.
Single women who attract married men actually want to attract married men. This takes some courageous inner work to discover, but on some level, you may want an unavailable man. It serves you in some way. How? Well, consider these 3 situations. Perhaps they’re true of you.
First, you may be at a point in your life where you really aren’t seriously interested in a long term, committed relationship—but you still want attention and affection. So a relationship that can’t really go anywhere might be exactly what you want.
Secondly, are you afraid of intimacy? It’s not just a guy thing, you know. Many women lose contact with themselves when they’re with a man. Maybe you’ve said, “Never again will I allow a relationship to derail my commitment to my kids, my career, my spiritual path.” If so, then this might be the reason you attract married men.
Third, are you afraid of being rejected? For many women, relationships have been a great source of pain, and so unconsciously, they’ve decided not to let a man get that close again. So a married, unavailable man is perfect, for the relationship can only progress so far. You’re safe.
Now, if none of those are true of you, then keep an eye out for these signs, for they indicate a man may be married.
1. He won’t let you meet his children. Wouldn’t this be awkward: “Daddy, why are you hugging and kissing her? Won’t mommy be mad?” Now, there is a time when it’s too soon to let your children meet a new partner. But if he’s keeping his kids away from you, there’s a chance he’s married.
2. He falls of the grid frequently. This may seem obvious, but if you can’t get ahold of your guy for long stretches of time (more than one day), chances are he’s with his family and he can’t return your call or text. Be on the alert for lame excuses for why he didn’t call you back for something like three days, for instance.
3. He can’t spend holidays or special events with you. Married men can’t get away from their wives or families to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, the fourth of July or even his birthday with you. Nor will you be invited to special events in his life. That’s reserved for his spouse. For example, I qualified for the 2003 U.S. Open Golf Championship, a really big deal, and I had to make up some lame excuse why my girlfriend couldn’t come. The truth was my family would be there.
Now might be a good time to admit that the dating scene can be a jungle. There are so many issues to understand and navigate, other than whether or not a man is married. It’s for this reason I created a very powerful all-video eCourse called:
This course address the major issues you’ll face from the moment of attraction all the way to the Alter. Click the link to see a 4-minute preview video explaining what the course is all about.
4. He says, “wife” instead of “ex.” If a guy was married for a long time, he may, out of habit, call his ex, “wife.” But often it’s sign he’s married. He doesn’t see her as his ex (because she’s not!) and so unconsciously he blurts out “wife” instead of “ex.” Beware of his language.
5. He has a weird relationship with his “ex.” I had a client who dated a guy for 2 years and then found out he was married the whole time. He often stopped by his ex’s, the woman he supposedly divorced 10 years earlier, to fix things around the house! Yes, it’s nice if a guy has a friendly, cooperative relationship with his ex, but if it feels like it’s over the top, it probably is. Beware of a guy who pays too much attention to his “old life.” It may not be that old.
6. Your relationship occurs when he’s away from home. When I had my affair, I was spending my summers in Chicago, teaching and playing professional golf, and the winters at home in Orlando. It created the perfect opportunity to live a double life. So if your relationship occurs someplace other than where he lives, he might be married.
There may be other signs and if you know of some, please share them. It will help women make smarter dating choices.
Finally, my life’s work is to help single people find and create amazing, lasting relationships. If that’s what you want, and if you’re frustrated with the dating scene, then please check out the link below. It’s a 4-minute preview video of my most popular, all-video eCourse: