Why You Got Dumped: Reflections on Trustable Men and Radiant Women, Part 1

In my attempt to make relationship challenges easy to understand and therefore easier to change, I’m always trying to boil it down to a simple principle. So, try this on.

Men, if women have left you or not wanted to be in a relationship with you, no matter what the reason she gave, assume you weren’t trustable.

Women, if men have left you or not wanted to be with you, again, no matter what the stated reason was, assume you lost touch with or diminished your feminine radiance.

Women want to be with men they can trust; men want to be with women who are radiant. (Radiance is not a physical appearance thing. It’s an energetic thing, as is trustability.)

Understanding this makes it easy to take responsibility for your part in a relationship that didn’t work out, and therefore, easier to shift for future relationships.

Therefore, a man should always be asking himself, “How can I be more trustable and what actions and behaviors enhance trustability or diminish it?” and a woman can always ask herself, “How can I be more radiant, and what actions and behaviors diminish my radiance and what actions and behaviors brighten it?

Bottom line:
Men, she dumped you because she couldn’t trust you. Ladies, he didn’t call you back or he didn’t want to continue to see you or be married to you because your radiance didn’t enliven his heart.

Finally, men, you know in your heart you want to be trustable and that it’s the very nature of your masculinity. Therefore, your motivation for being trustable isn’t to have a woman, but because it’s who you are. It’s your natural, unobstructed state.

And ladies, you also know deep in your heart, that you want to be radiant and shine like the sun, for it’s the very nature of the Feminine. And your motivation for being radiant isn’t to attract some guy or keep him interested, but because it’s just who you are. It’s your natural state.

This is part one of a two part series that is addressing the core issues of trustability in men and radiance in women. To keep this from becoming a book rather than an article, my comments in this piece are limited to exploring the meaning of masculine trustability only. An article on feminine radiance is forthcoming and might even be posted on my website now depending on when you’re reading this. (See coachingwithroy.com/blog). Here, though, we focus only on the guys.

Introduction
Masculine trustability is much broader and deeper than mere sexual fidelity and verbal honesty. It is that, of course, but it’s really about a man’s way of being in the world and whether he is truly and consistently “on his game.”

Being trustable, in general, means (1) clarity of consciousness, (2) depth of presence and (3) openness of heart. These qualities create a kind of energetic space that allows a feminine person to completely relax in devotional delight and give her heart and body to her man fully without reservation. Without these qualities, however, an evolved woman will (and should) wield the Sword of the Goddess and cut off his head!

Before we dive into what these three qualities mean, I want to say that my insight into what makes a man trustable comes partly from my training, partly from female clients, but mostly from my own journey. I’ve been an untrustable man at times and I’ve been “on my game” too. So, like everything else I do as a relationship coach, I speak from personal experience.

So, let’s dive deeply into this idea of a trustable man (I’ll speak to what it means to be a radiant woman at a later date). What does being trustable really mean—specifically?

One caveat before we begin, though. No man is always “on his game.” Sometimes, even the deepest man drifts and loses focus. So, I’m talking about consistent patterns in a man’s life, not sporadic or occasional behaviors. A man will be considered untrustable, by women and men, if his overall way of being in the world can be categorized in the following ways.

1. Clarity of Consciousness
• A man is not trustable if he stays in a job he hates or changes jobs frequently or isn’t pursuing the career he’s always wanted.
• He isn’t trustable if he can’t articulate his life’s purpose in one simple sentence and also if he doesn’t have a clear plan as to where he sees himself in five years.
• If any person, especially his intimate partner, is more important that his life’s purpose, he isn’t trustable.
• A man isn’t trustable if he changes his life’s direction because of fear, peer pressure, money or simply to please his woman.
• A man who doesn’t keep his agreements, is consistently late or whose words and actions don’t line up, isn’t trustable.
• A man is not trustable if he’s undisciplined, over weight and out of shape.
• A man isn’t trustable if he is still concerned with his parent’s approval, especially his father’s.
• An untrustable man often says, “I don’t know what to do. What do you think I (or we) should do?”

2. Depth of Presence
• An untrustable man is fidgety, restless, loves the sound of his own voice, has poor posture (especially when sitting), dresses like a slob, or chews gum regularly.
• An untrustable man is uncomfortable, dismissive or annoyed by his woman’s emotional nature. When she’s sad, angry or scared he says, “calm down,” or “talk to me when you’re not so crazy,” or “go talk about it with your girl friends.”
• A man who is not trustable doesn’t make eye contact (especially in serious moments), complains about circumstances or people and often “forgets” about things he’s said or commitments he’s made.
• An untrustable man uses sex to relieve his stress, he makes love with his partner only when it serves him and he ejaculates too soon (in less than 30 minutes).
• He flirts with women he has no intention of loving, he dates women he has no intention of committing to and he ends relationships by disappearing.
• Having an active addiction, getting intoxicated or high regularly, becoming violent when angry or sleeping too much are signs a man is untrustable.
• An untrustable man is unwilling to direct his intimate partnership toward greater levels of intimacy and growth, choosing instead to put all of his attention on his work.

3. Openness of Heart
• An untrustable man isn’t able to cry, be alone, or speak openly about his feelings, especially fear and sadness. He’s shut down, closed and emotionally unavailable.
• He would never talk about his problems to a coach, counselor or therapist and he doesn’t have a close male friend from whom he regularly seeks criticism and feedback on the way he is living.
• An untrustable man isn’t living at his fear-edge, choosing instead to be comfortable and safe. He’s unwilling to put his career, finances and/or his relationship at risk for his full, spiritual aliveness and calling.
• He is unaware or unwilling to take responsibility for his role in failed relationships, seeing himself instead as a victim, and consequently holding grudges against his ex’s, former friends and previous bosses.
• An untrustable man gets defensive when criticized and doesn’t respect his woman’s intuition.

Conclusion
Ladies, if you are committed to or dating (or even friends with!) a man who is consistently behaving in untrustable ways, you must not tolerate it for a single minute. He needs and deserves your wrath and rage, for that is a central aspect of your feminine radiance. You know he’s capable of being fully clear, present and open. You can’t stand for less than his best. If he’s consistently “off his game,” or if he’s not willing to pursue the full potential of his masculine nature, then you’re with the wrong man. And, to be frank, if you’re willing to tolerate his mediocrity, you’re off your game, and he’s with the wrong woman.

Roy Biancalana

Roy Biancalana is an author, a certified relationship coach, a certified “Living Inquiry” facilitator and a spiritual teacher. He has been supporting the personal growth and life-transformation of thousands of people for nearly 25 years. His passion is working with men and women who are committed to awakening to their true spiritual nature and experiencing the love life they most desire. With a warm, personal and informal style, Roy specializes in supporting single people in attracting the love of their lives and also helping those who are in committed partnerships experience a deeper level of intimacy. READ MORE

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