The third time is the charm.
Unless you’re living under a rock, you know that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West playfully nicknamed, Kimye, are getting married. It will be her third marriage and it appears to be his third significant relationship as well.
Beyond all the pomp and paparazzi, the couple is facing an issue that millions of couples face: How do you make a new relationship work after one or more failed relationships?
As much as we make fun of celebrities and their penchant for drama and divorce, they aren’t alone in this, are they? I asked myself this question when I was remarrying and I’m sure most people do.
So regardless of what you think of “Kimye,” and the likelihood that they will create a beautiful, harmonious relationship, let’s use them to discuss this important issue of divorce and remarriage.
As a Relationship Coach, and someone who offers dating advice and couples counseling, if Kim Kardashian were my client, I’d ask her (and all of us) 3 simple, yet profound questions.
1. Kim, what was your role in the demise of your former relationships and what new commitments are you making as a result?
There are two basic ways of being in relationship. You can either see yourself as a victim or you can see yourself as a co-creator. In other words, you can believe it was their fault and that they are to blame, or you can take 100% responsibility for your part in how the relationship went.
I would ask Kim (and again, all of us), what have you learned and what are you planning to do differently this time around? What was your part—exactly—and what are your new commitments going forward?
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2. Kim, are you complete with your former husbands and lovers?
In my self help book, A Drink with Legs, I make the point that “If you are incomplete with a former lover, then you are self-sabotaging your ability to create future relationship bliss. You cannot move forward if you are chained to the past.”
Here are the “ABC’s” of being complete:
- A—Attachment: Are you still emotionally, financially or logistically attached to a former lover?
- B—Bitterness: Are you still angry, bitter or hostile towards a former lover?
- C—Conversation: Have you told your former lovers what your role was in the demise of the relationship? In other words, have you shared your answer to the first question—here’s the critical part—have you shared it with them?
3. Kim, why are you marrying Kanye?
If she says, “because I love him,” I would invite her to look deeper. In fact, I might say, “Kim, what’s the real reason you’re marrying him?”
There are always at least two reasons we get married. There’s the surface reason, the one we’re conscious of, and there’s the real reason, the one we’re usually unconscious of.
The surface, conscious reasons are often things like love, compatibility or character. And that’s fine. They’re legitimate, healthy reasons to marry someone. But in my personal experience and reflected in my coaching practice, there’s usually an unconscious reason we desire to get married too.
I’m guessing that the real reason Kim and Kanye are getting married is because both of them are committed to drama as a means of staying culturally relevant and furthering their careers and public images. In other words, the last thing they want is a conflict-free, harmonious relationship. If they had that, we wouldn’t pay attention to them.
Attention and relevancy are the real reasons Kim and Kanye are getting married.
But let’s not gang up on “Kimye.” What’s the real reason you want a relationship? If you look deeply, it’s to get an emotional need met, perhaps attention, approval, safety, or worthiness. Or it’s to heal some long-held story of being unlovable, undesirable, lonely or abandoned.
Most people are not “in love,” they’re “in get.” They’re in a relationship to get some need met or they’re in a relationship to get some wound healed. In other words, their partner is “hired” to do a particular “job.” Their purpose and role in your life is to complete you, fix you, heal you or put an end to some story.
I speak from personal experience, for this was true in my life. My book shares that story and how I overcame it.
Unless Kim Kardashian and Kanye West know the real reason they’re getting married and actually “fire” each other from those respective “jobs,” unless they’re complete with their former lovers and unless they’ve taken 100% responsibility for the way their past relationships have went, they will never create a new healthy, lasting relationship—nor will we.
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