Perhaps you might expect a statement like that from a Guru in an Ashram or a Priest in a Monastery, but certainly not from a relationship coach like myself, or anyone in the self help field, right?
We coaches, and even those who do couples counseling, are big on challenging clients to take direct and practical action to create the life they want. And I do that. It’s just not the first thing I do.
The first thing I have my clients “do” is meditate, but even that’s misleading. I don’t ask my clients to count their breaths, focus on an object or repeat a mantra. I don’t even ask them to sit quietly and visualize their partner, a la The Secret.
The meditation I’m speaking of, and the kind that will quickly manifest your life partner, is better described as an Inquiry Meditation. It’s simply asking and listening. Here’s a true story to explain what I mean.
A client of mine has been perplexed as to why she’s single and unable to attract an appropriate partner. She just couldn’t understand it. In her view, she’s ready and willing to be in a relationship.
I knew something was up because our current circumstances indicate our current commitments, meaning, that in this moment, on some unconscious level, she wants to be single. So I probed with questions until she said this:
THE CLIENT: “If I I’m being truthful, it is me…I choose men that ultimately won’t work for me.”
Ah, there it was. The real truth. I sensed she didn’t even know how significant her words were, so I said this:
THE COACH: “We haven’t talked much about unconscious commitments, or counter-commitments, as I sometimes call them. A counter-commitment works in the background, fighting against what you say you want.
“Think of yourself as a car. You have a gas pedal and a brake pedal. The gas pedal represents what we say we want (in your case, an appropriate life partner). The brake pedal represents the reason we really don’t want that.
So it’s like we have our foot on the brake, preventing us from going toward what we say we want—though we aren’t aware of it.
“Here’s the sneaky thing about counter-commitments: They are stronger than our stated commitments. When both are present, the counter-commitment always wins.
“Growth is identifying the counter-commitment and facing it with curiosity and playfulness. When it’s seen and accepted fully (that’s the key), then you can choose to dissolve it. In keeping with the analogy, you’d be taking your foot off the brake so that you can have what you say you want.
“When you say that you “choose men that ultimately won’t work,” this is the hint that a counter-commitment is operating. It points to a hidden, unconscious motivation to keep yourself single.
“So in deep curiosity and loving acceptance, assume you have an unconscious reason to stay single, as bizarre as that might feel right now. From that assumption, quietly inquire. Ask and listen.
“Do this: Sit still. Be silent. Breathe. Rest. Be. Then from this meditative, aware space, say this out loud three times, slowly:
“I want to stay single. (Breathe) I want to stay single. (Breathe) I want to stay single. (Breathe)
“Then, returning to stillness, and without words, silently ask:
- What is the benefit, advantage or payoff of staying single?
- What would I lose or have to give up by being in a relationship?
- What’s at risk if a partner comes into my life?
- What am I afraid would happen if he or she showed up?
- What is the cost, or, what would I lose if I were in a relationship?
[Note to reader: This is basically the same question asked 5 different ways. Often a certain word or phrasing triggers an insight, so try them all.]
“Don’t evaluate, judge or try to figure out what comes up. Just allow your truth to bubble up to the surface in a spirit of acceptance. Write it down, as if you’re a court reporter, simply recording what’s heard without interference.
“It will come quickly. It’s been wanting to come out of the shadows for a long, long time. Pay very close attention to the first few thoughts that come to mind.
“Finding and releasing this shadow fear is the ONLY thing you need to do to find your partner (or let him find you). Nothing else matters. Facing the fear that a relationship brings is your holy grail. It’s your “pearl of great price,” meaning, align your life completely around discovering and dissolving this fear.”
There is a second part to the meditation, but you’re better off not knowing what it is until you’ve completed the part I just described. So do exactly as I written here. Record your answers. Sit in open curiosity with what you find.
Your partner is right on the other side of those fears. You may not know how to deal with them. That’s ok. That’s what I’m here for. Email me at email@example.com.