No matter where you are in your relationship journey, making conscious commitments begins the process of positive change in one’s love life. The Latin word for commitment is, committere, and means, “to gather your energy and move in a chosen direction.” Using this definition, I view commitment as an energetic experiential intention and not a moral issue. I invite you to embrace these 10 commitments as your entry-gate into a life of authentic intimacy, whether you’re single or in a committed partnership.
Following each commitment, and written in italics, is what I call a “counter-commitment.” A “counter-commitment” often reflects the way we currently show up in our relationships, either consciously or unconsciously. Aligning our lives around these 10 conscious commitments will produce love, harmony and intimacy, while living by the counter-commitments will produce heartache, conflict and drama—always.
1. I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances in my love life (and my life in general) and I commit to supporting others in taking full responsibility for their lives.
I commit to blaming others, or myself, for what is wrong in my love life (or my life in general). I commit to playing the role of victim, villain or hero and taking more or less than 100% responsibility for what’s occurring in my love life.
2. I commit to curiosity, regarding every relationship in my life (past, present or future) as an opportunity to learn and grow in self-awareness.
I commit to being right and defending my “truth”, especially when I’m sure I’m right.
3. I commit to seeing all people, and especially my current and former lovers, as allies that are perfectly suited to help me learn the most important things for my growth.
I commit to seeing all people, and especially my current or former lovers, as obstacles and impediments to getting what I want most.
4. I commit to saying what is true for me and to being a person to whom others can express themselves with candor.
I commit to withholding my truth (i.e. facts, feelings, things I imagine) and speaking in a way that allows me to control or manipulate an outcome.
5. I commit to the masterful practice of integrity, including acknowledging all key feelings, expressing the unarguable truth and keeping my agreements.
I commit to withholding and/or ignoring my feelings, living with incompletions, and being right about my story.
6. I commit to feeling my feelings all the way through to completion. They come and I locate them in my body, then I breathe, move and vocalize them so they release all the way through.
I commit to resisting, judging and apologizing for my feelings, as well as making them someone else’s fault. I withhold, avoid, and repress them, contracting into fear and isolation.
7. I commit to living from the belief that I have enough of everything—including time, money, love, energy, space and resources, etc.
I commit to a scarcity mentality, choosing to see that there is “not enough” for me and others in the world, and therefore, I have to be conscious of making sure I get and preserve what is “mine.”
8. I commit to seeing myself as the source of love, approval, happiness and safety.
I commit to believing that others are responsible for making me feel safe, loved, happy and approved of, and that I will manipulate, control or punish those who don’t give those things to me.
9. I commit to seeing that the opposite of my story is as true or truer than my original story and that any story comes only from my interpretation of events.
I commit to believing that my stories, and the meaning I give to them, are true.
10. I commit to living in appreciation, freely opening to both giving and receiving it lavishly.
I commit to feeling entitled to “what’s mine,” resenting others when I’m not acknowledged in the way I want.