Forging a Conflict-Free Relationship with Your Ex

Going through a divorce with kids involved is one of life’s most difficult situations. It is a painful, heartbreaking experience. Having been through it, I learned a very important lesson: The complete well-being of our children, post-divorce, is more about how we relate to our ex than it is about how we relate to our children.

That’s counter-intuitive, but I’ve learned that the relationship we have with our ex has an enormous (and almost always underestimated) impact on our kid’s development. If our interactions with our ex are filled with anger, conflict and bitterness, it impacts them just as negatively as it did when we were married. So our children’s well-being will be greatly served if we can forge a functioning, conflict-free relationship with our ex.

When I asked my wife for a divorce in June 2003, my son was seven years old and I was terrified of the effect it might have on him. But today, he is flourishing in school and sports, he has tons of friends, and his relationship with his mother and me (as well as our new spouses) is fantastic. In short, he’s doing great.

Part of the credit goes to him and certainly part to his mom, but a large part goes to three commitments I made soon after my divorce. They are the primary reason why my ex and I have not had a single argument since our divorce many years ago. These three commitments take strength and courage (not to mention coaching) to live fully and completely, but if you adopt them, you will create an amazing post-divorce relationship with your ex—and your children will thank you for it some day.

Commitment #1: Conscious Intention
The primary reason my ex and I have not had any conflict is because I made a conscious intention to not have any. Does that sound simplistic? It’s not. It’s based on one of the most powerful laws of the universe: The Law of Intention.

The law means that whatever we are experiencing in our lives is a reflection of our deepest intentions, whether we’re conscious of them or not. In other words, we are always getting what we want. For example, if we are overweight, we must have an intention to be overweight, though it probably is unconscious. If we are single, our intention must be to be single, since that is the result we are experiencing. And if we have drama with our ex, we must want drama with our ex, on some level. Our results speak to our true (though often unconscious) intentions.

So creating a functioning, conflict-free relationship with our ex begins by making a conscious intention to do so. And that means declaring it publicly—to our friends, our kids and especially to our ex! You’ve got to say, “I don’t want drama; I don’t want to argue and fight. I want peace between us and I’m going to do everything within my power to create that.” Nothing is created without intention; everything is created by intention.

Commitment #2: Take Responsibility
On the most basic level, we have conflict with our ex today because we have unresolved issues with them from the past. In order to turn your conscious intention into reality, you must return to the issues that drove the two of you apart—and resolve them. And you do that by taking responsibility for what you did to create the problems between the two of you.

You are not a victim, but actually a co-creator of your relationship experience, and it takes an enormous amount of courage, self-awareness and usually the support of a coach or therapist, to see your part and own it. When you see your role, your part of the dysfunctional dynamic and tell your ex about it, conflict ends. Let me give you an example.

A while back I counseled a man who was having horrible conflict with his ex. Their son was 10 and they argued and screamed at each other whenever they spoke, even though they had been divorced for four years. It just wouldn’t end.

During one of our conversations, I asked him to put aside the surface issues they fought about, things like finances and childcare arrangements, and tell me what their conflict was really about. (You may have noticed that we are rarely upset for the reasons we think we are.)

He said that his ex always felt that throughout their marriage, he was still in love with his previous girlfriend, and because of that, their relationship never had a chance. They fought about this constantly, even after the divorce, and he always vehemently denied it.

At this point in our session, I paused for a long moment, made direct eye contact with him, and simply asked him if what she said was true. Initially he denied it, as he had been doing for years, and I just sat there and looked at him. Finally, he softened, his chin dropping to his chest and admitted it was true.

So I asked him if he was serious about ending the conflict and drama between him and his ex (conscious intention). He said he was. So I invited him to drop his ego and take responsibility by admitting to his ex that both of his feet were never fully planted in their relationship, that he had never gotten over his old girlfriend, and because of it, their relationship and marriage really never had a chance.

What happened? Well, at first she was furious and screamed, “I told you so!” And he bravely stood there in the midst of her rage, refusing to defend himself or blame her for anything, but owned up to his part. Within a few days their conflict just…stopped. They now peacefully co-parent their son and it was all because he took responsibility.

Now, you might wonder if she took responsibility as well, because we know that all drama and conflict is co-created. And the answer is no. (She intuitively knew that he was still in love with someone else when she agreed to marry him—that’s her part—but she ran through that “red light.”)

Whether or not she saw her part doesn’t matter because once one person takes responsibility and owns up to their part of the drama, conflict is no longer possible. It takes two victims to tango.

Taking responsibility brings closure to old unfinished business between you and your ex. You can now deal with each other strictly in the present. And creating a present that is conflict-free is what commitment #3 is all about.

Commitment #3: Keep Your Agreements
Not long after my divorce became final, I mentioned to my best friend how concerned I was about my son and how the divorce would impact him. He gave me incredible advice, though at the time I thought it was kind of trite. He said, “If you say you’ll be over to pick your son up at 6:30p on Tuesday, be there at 6:30p on Tuesday.” I took his advice and I have consistently kept my agreements with my son and my ex. It is a huge reason why I enjoy such a peaceful, functioning relationship with both of them.

Making and keeping your agreements is the final critical component to building a conflict-free relationship with your ex. If you say you’ll do something, no matter how little it might be, do it. Your word must be money. Of course you can always renegotiate your agreements if you need to, but if your ex can’t trust what you say and if your kids can’t count on you to keep your promises, then you are inviting conflict and pain into your life and everyone else’s as well.

Conclusion
As divorced people, if we want to do everything within our power to ensure our children’s complete well-being, then we will make a conscious intention to end drama with our ex, we will take responsibility for what we did to cause the relationship to fail and we will keep our agreements impeccably.

About the Author
Roy Biancalana is an author, a certified relationship coach and spiritual teacher. His passion is working with men and women who are committed to awakening to their true spiritual nature and experiencing the love life they most desire. He specializes in supporting single people in attracting the love of their lives and also helping those who are in committed partnerships experience a deeper level of intimacy.

Known as “The Intimacy Guru,” Roy is a nationally recognized leader in the field of attraction, intimacy and conscious relationships. He appears regularly on Fox35 TV in Orlando, Fl. as their relationship expert and his book, A Drink with Legs: From Being Hooked to Being Happy—A Spiritual Path to Relationship Bliss, sells worldwide. Additionally, Roy is Pre Dating Speed Dating’s event coordinator in the Orlando, Florida region.

Roy is originally from Chicago, graduated from Louisiana State University and is a former PGA Tour player. He has a 17-year-old son and lives with his wife in Sanford, Florida. He has clients all over the world and coaches by phone, Skype or in person. He offers a complimentary exploratory 30-minute session to anyone who is interested in working with him.

For more information, visit his website: www.coachingwithroy.com or call him at 407-687-3387.