Each gender has a basic fear when it comes to the dating scene. Women fear “players”; men fear “gold-diggers.”
For women, “players” are men who say they are interested in a relationship–and even act like it, but after they’ve slept with you, they lose interest or disappear altogether. It is extremely painful to realize you have become just another notch in his belt.
For men, “gold-diggers” are women who appear to have their life together, but in reality, they’re looking for a guy to take care of them, especially financially. It is equally painful for a man to realize that his woman isn’t so much crazy about him as she is crazy about the lifestyle he can provide her.
If you’re single and actively involved in the dating world, you desperately want to discover who is for real and who isn’t. But how can you tell if the man or woman you’re interested in is actually a “wolf in sheep’s clothing”? How can you spot and therefore avoid “players” and “gold-diggers”? Well, actually, it’s quite easy. Let’s begin with you women.
Here’s how to know if a guy is a player: First, let’s assume you aren’t interested in casual dating or simply hooking up. (If you are, you’re reading the wrong column.) This advice is for men and women who want to create a meaningful, committed, long-term relationship. Second, don’t sleep with him on your first date. That’s basic. If you do that, you’re asking for trouble. But at the end of your second date and assuming you really like him and are sexually attracted to him, tell him your dating commitment. Say this:
“I have really enjoyed our two dates and I definitely want to see you again. But I want you to know something. Although I am very attracted to you and I can feel in my body how much I want you, I’ve made a commitment to not even think of having sex with a guy until at least the tenth date. I know that sounds weird, given our culture today, but even though I’m really attracted to you and want to see you again, I won’t even consider getting physical until the tenth date.” If he’s a “player” you’ll never hear from him again. If he’s into you and if he’s sincerely interested in commitment, he’ll have no problem waiting a couple of months for you.
Men, here’s how you know if the woman you’re interested in is interested in you or your pocketbook. First, pay for the first few dates, as you should. But when you feel like you’re becoming a couple and deciding not to date anyone else, tell her this: “I really like you and I can’t wait to see you again. I want you to know that I am interested in creating an amazing co-committed partnership with the woman of my dreams. And that’s why I’m seeing you. I think you’re amazing. And because I see a woman as an equal and because I want a mutual co-committed relationship, I want us to share the expense of seeing one another. I want you to take turns paying for our dates in the future as we see where this is headed.”
If she’s a gold-digger and interested in a co-dependent relationship where you provide her the lifestyle she’s always wanted in exchange for sex or something else she has to offer, then she won’t answer her phone when you call her next. But if she thinks you’re amazing, if she’s into you, if she thinks that you could be the man of her dreams, then she’ll be more than happy to participate fully and mutually in the relationship.
If you make these kinds of dating commitments I can guarantee you’ll chase away a lot of men and women. But isn’t that the point? You’ll chase away “players” and “gold-diggers.” But those that remain, are those who are really into you; and these commitments make that perfectly clear.