That may surprise you because most people want their partner’s unconditional acceptance. In fact, to most people, that’s the definition of a great relationship. Bad relationships are those that are judgmental, negative or disapproving.
So, why do I say I do NOT want my wife to accept me for who I am? Because sometimes I’m a moron, that’s why! No, seriously. There are more times than I care to admit when I’m distracted, selfish, shallow or drifting off course.
I don’t need to be accepted; I need my ass kicked. I don’t need approval; I need to be challenged. I don’t need understanding; I need to be called-out. Sometimes I’m being less than the man I am, and if the people closest to me are “accepting me for who I am,” and not willing to get in my face and point out my unconsciousness, then I will most certainly never be the husband, father, coach or person I’m capable of being.
And that’s it right there. My purpose is to live a life of mastery and consciousness. My purpose is to awaken to—and as—the man I’m capable of being. How will that happen? By surrounding myself with people who will offer me sweet words of solace, soft smiles and ego stroking? No way. I don’t need soothing; I need scorching. I don’t need sweet words of comfort; I need smelling salts. I need people in my life who will not allow me to be less than my absolute, conscious best.
I remember a time when one of my closest female friends told me that if she had a serious issue she was facing, she would not come to me with it because she didn’t feel I would be present enough to really listen to her. Ouch.
A while back, my best male friend told me he would not consider a business venture with me because he felt I was off purpose in my life and he wouldn’t do business with someone like that. Ouch.
Recently my wife told me she was disappointed with my behavior when we had dinner with her daughter and her boyfriend. I had one too many Margaritas and acted like “an obnoxious, shallow, frat-boy.” She was very upset because “you are such a man of depth and consciousness. That’s the man I know. That’s who you are. I hate being around you when you’re not like that.” Ouch.
Thank God none of them “accepted me for who I am!” They each called me out, and, they each changed my life with those judgmental, negative and disapproving comments.
And thank God I didn’t fall into the trap of seeking relationship advice for men, or turn to relationship or dating advice blogs! That’s seeking for an answer–out there. It’s like single people wanting to meet someone so they seek to know how to write an on line profile or seek simple dating advice for women or men.
Do you want to know why most people’s lives fall short of their full potential? Why their life too often drifts aimlessly for months, years or even decades? Why they stay stuck in destructive patterns or relationships? It’s because they’ve surrounded themselves with “friends” and/or chosen partners who “accept them for who they are”—instead of those who will stand for nothing less than their best.
There’s just one caveat to all this. In each of the examples I gave, none of them called me out for THEIR benefit. In other words, their words were not selfishly motivated. They weren’t trying to get me to change so that their life would be better. There was NO PERSONAL AGENDA in their comments. They simply wanted what was best for me and knew I was living less than that.
If a person confronts you so that you can somehow make their life happier, safer, richer, deeper, or more enjoyable, that’s called controlling. But when a person is challenging you for your benefit, and your benefit alone, that’s called loving.
A really good partner is a royal pain in the ass. A really good friend is too. So is a really good coach.
If your purpose is to live a life of mastery and consciousness, then it would serve you to pick a partner who won’t settle for anything less than your best, friends who won’t put up with your nonsense and a coach who will call you to power.
I can’t be your partner. I probably can’t even be your close friend. But I can be your coach. Call me if you’d like support in turning your life, and your love life, into a work of art.
Author & Relationship Coach