Making Feedback Constructive Rather Than Desctructive

PART 1

I like to use the illustration about how our relationships are a lot like golf courses. They have hazards, places where disaster lurks, and so do relationships. If you keep your ball out of the water hazards and sand traps, you will succeed; if you hit your ball into the hazards, you will suffer. In like fashion, if we keep our relationships out of “hazards,” we will create high-functioning, fulfilling relationships, and if we do not, we will suffer. Giving feedback to friends, partners, family or co-workers is this month’s “relationship hazard.”

All of us have had friends or relatives (mother-in-law!) intrude on our lives, sticking their noses in our business and giving us feedback, usually negative feedback, on everything from how we dress to how we raise our kids. It is one of the most annoying experiences on the planet. But all of us can also remember times when someone (maybe even a mother-in-law!) gave us extremely helpful and life-enhancing advice that really served us.

Sometimes we see people we care deeply about making financial mistakes, dating losers, abusing their bodies or making other self-destructive choices. What do we do? How do we give constructive feedback and advice to the people in our lives? Put simply, there is one rule to follow and one question ask that will ensure your feedback is constructive rather than destructive. Part one focuses on the rule. Part two’s focus is on the question.

The Rule: Do Not Give Unsolicited Feedback

It is inappropriate to give someone advice or feedback without them asking for it. As much as you love them and as much as you believe they need to hear what you have to say, their life and choices are none of your business. Now, obviously, there are exceptions. Your children (under 18) are your business, someone getting behind the wheel of a car drunk is your business and how your partner spends the family’s income is also your business. So common sense is important here. I am speaking of things like telling your children how to raise their children or telling someone they should not be eating at McDonalds or that they should commit to some form of spiritual practice or that they should leave their spouse or that they should not be buying such an expensive car. Their life style and choices are none of your business.

There are three reasons why it is inappropriate to give unsolicited feedback and advice. First, until a person is open to learning, ready to hear you, your advice will go in one ear and out the other. Secondly, pain and suffering is life’s best teacher. Rock bottom is a wonderful place. Allowing someone to experience the consequences of their choices, while heartbreaking for you, maybe what is best for them in the long run. Thirdly, it is arrogant to think we know how someone should live. Sometimes it is hard to remember that we are not God.

Having said that, it is perfectly okay to ask someone if they are open to feedback on whatever the issue is. If they say yes, then share your thoughts. If they say no, then honor that and keep your thoughts to yourself. If given permission, be sure to offer your active support in seeing them make the change you want. Avoid pointing our problems without offering support toward a solution.

Finally, there are three people in my life to whom I have given the “feedback green light.” I have told them that they can blurt any thought they have at any time. They do not need to ask. They are my wife, my coach and my best friend. They have the green light because I know they have asked themselves the critical question that we will discuss shortly. If you want to live your best life, my advice (assuming I have permission?), is to have a few friends like this. Their feedback has served me well.

Now, what do you do with intrusive people, those who barge in with their advice – uninvited? You have to defend your boundaries. Most people will respond to a firm and clear, “Thanks, but no thanks.” If that does not work, if they are habitually telling you how to live your life, you may have to have a heart-to-heart talk with them and let them know how much it is bothering you and what the consequences are going to be if it continues (be sure to know what those are and that you are willing to enforce them). And on the very rare occasion that they still do not respect your boundaries, you are dealing with a toxic person and you might need to consider ending the relationship all together.

PART 2

So, let’s say you have some important feedback to give to someone special in your life and we’ll also assume that they are open to hearing it. Before you do that, however, you must ask yourself one very important question:

What Am I Up To?

“What am I up to” means, what is my motive? Why am I really wanting to give them feedback or advice? You have heard the old saying, “You are seldom upset for the reason you think you are.” In my experience, we seldom want to give feedback or advice for the reason we think we do. We like to convince ourselves that we have the other’s best interests at heart and that we are coming from love and a sincere concern for them. Sometimes that is true, often – or dare I say usually – it is baloney. Usually, the real motive is self-serving. If we pause for a moment and ask, “What am I up to,” we may discover that we want them to follow our advice because it would be better for us.

It may be that we think that their actions reflect badly on us, tarnishing our image. This is what drives most advice given by parents to their adult children. Maybe someone’s moral choices make you uncomfortable because it reminds you of similar choices you have made that you have not made peace with. So you try to control them in order to control your own guilt. Or maybe you want a friend to see the world the same way you do, e.g., that men are pigs, or that women just want you for your money, or that there are no jobs out there, or that it is hard to lose 20 lbs. You would like them to continue to see life like you do so that they won’t grow and possibly abandon you.

How can you and I be sure we are offering our advice and feedback without an agenda? There are two simple signs. First, if you would be upset if they ignore your advice and continue living their way, you are up to something. If you care what they do with your feedback, you are attached and attachment reveals you have an agenda. Why do you care if they take your advice or not? However, you are in a healthy place when you believe that you have some thoughts that may be of service to someone, but you really do not care if they follow it. Enlightened people realize that others make their own choices and that there are no mistakes – just current levels of consciousness, and that the choices they are making are exactly the choices they should be making at this moment of their lives.

The second way to know if you are up to something unconscious is to notice their response to you. Assuming they have given you the green light to share your thoughts in the first place, if you are up to something, rest assuredly they will spot it. They will smell a rat. If you are being controlling, manipulative or self-serving in your advice, they will be angry. And their anger is feedback to you that you are up to something.

So the next time you feel the urge to share an opinion or to give someone feedback or advice, first ask yourself, “What am I up to?” Would I care if they completely ignore my advice? If you wouldn’t, you are ready to approach them and ask permission to share what is on your mind.
Following this method will keep your relationships out of dangerous hazards and drastically limit the pain and suffering you experience. I have learned the hard way in these matters and I hope you will follow my advice. But I do not care if you do.