Put Some Velocity Into Your Love Life

By Relationship Expert and Coach, Roy Biancalana

Would you like to sit and watch grass grow with me? No, really, it’ll be fun! Not interested? Well how about if we talk about the law of cause and effect? Not much better, is it? I know, it sounds kind of scientific and stale. But what if I told you that understanding the law of cause and effect can help you create the love relationship of your dreams? (Ah, now I’ve got your attention!)

The law of cause and effect means that what’s occurring in our lives is not an accident but a reflection of our inner commitments, whether we’re conscious of them our not. It means that we don’t live in a random universe, that we aren’t victims. Cause and effect is easy to see in our bodies. If we eat unhealthy foods and fail to exercise, we gain weight. But it’s a lot harder to see in our intimate relationships.

Here’s how the law of cause and effect can transform your love life. Look at it backwards. Start with the effect. Ask yourself, “What am I experiencing in my love life?” Write it in vivid detail. Tell it to your best friend. Better yet, tell it to your partner! Then go to the beginning and ask, “How am I causing this experience?” Remember, the law of cause and effect says that your results reflect your commitments. So, how are you committed to what’s occurring? How are you creating it?

Let’s say your current relationship feels a little empty. It’s not horrible, but it’s not love’s deepest bliss either. Your man seems distracted by his goals and disinterested in communing with you in deep intimacy. You long to be with a man who is totally present when you’re together, as if he were making love with you, even at the dinner table or while taking a walk. But to attract and evoke your man’s fullness, you must be offering yours. He will reciprocate and mirror your level of openness with him. If he’s withdrawn, you must be closed in some way. You always attract and inspire a man as deeply committed to opening in love as you are – right now – which means that a man will be as actively present with you as you are actively radiating your love, in every moment. You are the cause of your effect.

Doing this kind of inner work takes enormous courage. To stop blaming and start asking yourself how you might be creating your experience is very brave. It’s so easy to point the finger and play the victim. It actually feels good, for a time. But you remain separate, unloved and yearning. There’s no life in the victim/villain drama. Years back, I turned to an enlightened coach to help me see how I was creating my love life disappointments. I now have the relationship of my dreams. It is now my desire to support your courageous effort to use the law of cause and effect to transform your love life. If I can be of support to you, I’d be glad to talk with you.

Roy Biancalana