When You Keep Picking the Wrong Partners

Drunk guy hits on beautiful woman why do i attract creepy guysChemistry is often thought of as the “be-all, end-all” part of a relationship. Many people completely dismiss a potential partner, someone who is a solid, grounded, honest person, because they don’t feel “it”—the spark of chemistry.
Now, I’d be the first person to say that having some sexual attraction, a little “yeah baby,” is important. If the thought of kissing them or touching them doesn’t feel appealing, what’s the point? You have friends for that.

However, chemistry is a very strange and untrustworthy psychological dynamic. Most of us can relate to being attracted to people that are not necessarily good for us. Take the “Bad Boy” syndrome, for instance. “Bad Boys” are sexy men, but they make lousy partners. Any woman will tell you that.

In psychological circles, the romance phase and the chemistry that accompanies it, is commonly understood as being an unconscious attraction to the negative qualities of our parents. Chemistry reminds us of “home,” the familiar, and holds out the hope of healing an early childhood wound. In other words, when you feel “into” someone, it’s more than physical. It’s psychological too. Most people can relate to the idea that they’ve married one of their parents.

What’s the solution?
Well, I’m certainly not saying find a person you’re totally not attracted to and marry them! That would be ridiculous. But many of my clients have to face the fact that their “picker” doesn’t work very well. They pick the wrong people: unavailable men or women, people with emotional baggage, abusers, addicts, liars, control freaks, doormats, damsels in distress, etc., etc.

What do you do when you’re “picker” is broken?
Well, one strategy I sometimes use with my single clients is, ironically, what I call the modern day version of the arranged marriage.

I’m not sure if this still happens in the world, but at least in the past, marriages in the East were arranged. Families picked partners for their children. You didn’t pick your own partner. You were told whom you’d marry. Now, I’m not suggesting you let your mom and dad pick who you date and marry, but I’m going to suggest something close to it because I think there was a hidden brilliance in the arranged marriage idea.

It took your “picker” out of the equation. Your parents don’t carry your “picker problems.” They not only love you and have your best interests in mind (ideally), but they also have an objective and intimate view of who you are. In a way, since your track record at picking partners isn’t all that hot, they might do a better job at choosing a partner for you than you would.
Here’s the modern version of this and I suggest this to my single clients who have “picker problems.” Let your best friends pick who you date. Give them total control over your love life. I’m serious. Of course, there are some caveats though.

First, your “picker posse” should be 2-3 people, tops. Secondly, they must be your gender or of a different sexual orientation. Third, and most importantly, they must be people who totally love you and want what’s best for you.
They can’t be people who are jealous of you, feel competitive towards you or have any sort of axe to grind with you. These are your BFF’s.

Here’s the critical part: You must go out with whoever they think would be a good fit for you.
You have to trust that their “picker” is better than yours. After all, that’s the whole point of this—your “picker” has problems. Here’s a couple of scenarios to show you how this works.

If you’re doing Internet dating, your “picker posse” will have access to your on-line dating accounts and passwords and they will choose who you message and respond to. They will tell you who to give your number to and who to meet. You have no say.

Another scenario: Say you’re out with your “picker posse”—maybe it’s shopping, at a bar, the grocery store, church—where ever. Let’s take women first. A guy comes up to you and hits on you. You’re chatting and flirting and having fun—the normal stuff. He asks for you number.

You must turn to your friend(s) and quietly get the “yes” or “no” from them. If this guy is buckling your knees but your posse says, “no,” then you turn him down. If he seems ok, but doesn’t really do it for you and your posse gives you the “thumbs up” sign, you have to give him your number and go out with him. You are not involved in the decision. Your posse is not to ask you how you feel about him. That’s the problem! You’re feelings aren’t trustworthy!

If you’re a guy, and you’re out with your posse, when you’re chatting someone up, your friends will tell you if you should get her number or not. Even if you think she’s hot, they decide who you’ll pursue. If a woman feels ok, but doesn’t knock your socks off, but your friends think she’s great, then you must get her number and go out with her.

find a good guy, find a man, find an honest man, find a nice guyThe final part of the arrangement is that you must fully commit to dating them—going all the way, not holding back—for at least 3 months. At the end of 3 months, you have a heart-to-heart with your entire posse, and you fully explain your feelings about the relationship. If you aren’t feeling “it,” yet your posse still feels strongly that your partner is great for you, then you must give it another 3 months. But after 6 months, if you want out, then you are allowed to end the relationship. This is, after all, not an actual arranged marriage.

Now, lest you think this is unfair to the other person involved, there should definitely be an honest conversation where you tell them what’s going on—probably by the 2nd or 3rd date. You could say, “Listen, I have a terrible track record of picking men (or women, make this work for you), and because of that, I’m letting my best friends decide who I date, at least in the beginning. It’s not that I wouldn’t choose to be with you on my own, you seem really great, it’s just that my “guy picker” is broken. What I’m saying is that I hope you’re NOT my type! My “type” has been unavailable, addicted losers without a job! I seem to attract them like flies on, well, you know. So my friends think you’re terrific and so here I am.”

If I was the guy in that situation, as long as you didn’t say you were repulsed at the idea of intimacy with me (in that case I’d walk away), I’d be ok with what you’re telling me. In fact, I’d be impressed at your consciousness and courageousness. You’d be my kind of woman.

However, let me make something clear. Your friends, if they are your friends and if they truly love you—they aren’t going to select some moron for you! (If they pick someone you’re repulsed by, you might want to consider getting new friends.) They will pick an attractive person for you. They love you! What they won’t pick is that guy (or woman) with that particular psychological pattern you seem to attract—because they don’t have the reciprocal psychological pattern that you do, within them.

Remember, the law of attraction means, “like attracts like.” What this process does is take your “like” out of the equation. You’re friends know who you’re physically attracted to. They can spot that. But they can’t spot what you’re psychologically attracted to—and that’s what we’re trying to avoid. They won’t put you with someone who, if they kissed you, you’d be sick to your stomach!

Rest assured, you will definitely find the person they select for you physically attractive, but you probably won’t feel the crazy, OMG juiciness, the deep, I-think-I’ve-known-you-forever type of thing. That feeling is trouble. The falling in love feeling is dangerous. It’s the “you complete me” mechanism at work. It’s your psychological kink feeling healed by their psychological kink. It’s explosive sexually, but it ends in pain and suffering. Trust me. Been there and done that.

Finally, to make this whole thing fun—and it should be fun—I actually suggest that my clients draw up a “legal document” that gives Power of Choosing (sort of like Power of Attorney) to their friends. It says you deed the power of choosing a mate over to your friends. Everyone signs it. Now, they have total control over your love life.

Now, I know that this is pretty radical dating advice for women or relationship advice for men. When you think of dating tips, people usually look for thoughts about how to do on-line dating or something like that. But this relationship advice is where the rubber meets the road.

So, if you have “picker problems,” consider Coaching with Roy’s version of an arranged marriage. As the old commercial used to say, “Try it. You’ll like it.”


Would you consider trying this? Why? Why not? Answer below!

Roy Biancalana

Roy Biancalana is an author, a certified relationship coach, a certified “Living Inquiry” facilitator and a spiritual teacher. He has been supporting the personal growth and life-transformation of thousands of people for nearly 25 years. His passion is working with men and women who are committed to awakening to their true spiritual nature and experiencing the love life they most desire. With a warm, personal and informal style, Roy specializes in supporting single people in attracting the love of their lives and also helping those who are in committed partnerships experience a deeper level of intimacy. READ MORE

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