Why Intimacy is Better Without Compatibility

In a famous Seinfeld episode, Jerry dates someone just like himself. In the beginning he’s ecstatic because they have everything in common, but in the end, it starts driving him crazy because, as he says, “I hate myself!”

That hilarious scene challenges the assumption that having things in common with your partner is a desirable thing. It’s actually not.

In reality, compatibility is not only misunderstood, as I pointed out in a previous article, but compatibility is actually a detriment to a relationship—and your growth as a person.

For example, can you imagine being in a relationship where both partners are spenders? You’d go broke, wouldn’t you? What if you both were risk-takers, adrenaline junkies or impulsive decision makers? Where would that get you?

What if both parents are disciplinarians or permissive types? Would either of those polarities be healthy for kids? Do you see how detrimental, and even dangerous, it can be if you’re “compatible?”

Evaluating a relationship by using a some sort of test, whether it’s a compatibility test, personality test, love test, love quiz, or an online compatibility quiz, is not the way to go. Set them aside. Conventional wisdom on compatibility is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Human beings are out of balance, skewed and lopsided. I know that’s true of me. I’m an aggressive, risk-taking, face-paced, goal-oriented person. Those are wonderful qualities, but if they’re not balanced with patience, contentment, and groundedness, I’m in trouble.

However, if you combine competitiveness with contentment, if you combine being face-paced with patience, and if you combine risk-taking with groundedness, now you’ve got something to be reckoned with, don’t you think?

This is why the masculine and feminine energies are so drawn to one another. They balance and even protect each other.

The masculine, left to itself, overly identifies with goals and direction at the expense of people and relationships. The feminine, left to itself, overly identifies with people and emotions at the expense of action and decisiveness.

I can’t afford to be in a compatible relationship and neither can you.

I want to lead an effective life and make a real contribution in the world, so I need my patient, content, grounded wife to balance and protect me from myself (and vice versa).

Additionally, being with an “incompatible” partner gives us both a chance to cultivate the underdeveloped sides of our personalities. I need to be more grounded and I can learn that from my wife. She needs to be more decisive and she can learn that from me.

So, forget about seeking a partner with whom you are compatible. You won’t be able to anyway. Your soul will seek its opposite, whether you like it or not, because the universe is committed to your growth not your comfort. Being with an incompatible partner is good for you. 

Please reach out to me if you’d like to discuss this or any other topic impacting your love life. I offer a free 30-minute coaching session to anyone interested in how I might be able to help them attract lasting love. Email me at roy@coachingwithroy.com or call me directly at 407-687-3387.


Roy Biancalana is a certified relationship coach, a TV personality, and the author of two books, the latest of which is the #1 best-seller, Attracting Lasting Love: Breaking Free of the 7 Barriers that Keep You Single. For the past 10 years, Roy’s mission has been supporting single people in the art of attracting and creating conscious, lasting relationships. He offers a complimentary 30-minute coaching session to anyone interested in working with him. You can learn more about him by visiting, www.coachingwithroy.com.

Roy Biancalana

Roy Biancalana is an author, a certified relationship coach, a certified “Living Inquiry” facilitator and a spiritual teacher. He has been supporting the personal growth and life-transformation of thousands of people for nearly 25 years. His passion is working with men and women who are committed to awakening to their true spiritual nature and experiencing the love life they most desire. With a warm, personal and informal style, Roy specializes in supporting single people in attracting the love of their lives and also helping those who are in committed partnerships experience a deeper level of intimacy. READ MORE