Many single people are extremely frustrated with their dating experience. They often compare it to the movie, Groundhog Day, painfully admitting that they keep attracting the same people and patterns over and over and over again.
As a coach, I deal with this every day. My clients often tell me that they seem to attract self-centered, distant, or commitment-phobic people, or they seem to attract controlling, materialistic or clingy people. Whatever the dynamic, they’re experiencing a repeating pattern—and I’m sure you can relate.
It’s so common that I call it, The Relationship Groundhog Day Syndrome. It seems like a mysterious phenomena, but it’s actually quite easy to understand. Here’s metaphor to help you understand how it works, and especially how to break free of it.
The Puzzle Metaphor
Most of us have put puzzles together at one time or another, so we know that every puzzle piece has a particular shape and the idea is to find the piece that matches it. We can’t put any two random pieces together. They have to match. They have to fit together.
This is the exact reason why we attract the same partners and patterns over and over again.
We are like pieces of a puzzle with a particular psychological and emotional “shape,” which was formed by past experiences and early childhood conditioning. And just as an actual puzzle piece doesn’t fit with any random piece, so our particular “shape” doesn’t fit with just any random person’s “shape” either.
We fit only with those whose “shape” matches ours. In a sense, we are the “cookies” to their “milk,” and vice versa. We go together.
This psycho-emotional “shape” is called a relationship persona. It is not the real you, but a “person” you become, or a role you play, in order to get the love and attention you desire.
For example, my relationship persona, the role I played when I was single, has always been “Roy the Rescuer.” My past experiences and childhood conditioning taught me that if I wanted to be close to a woman I had to take care of her every need.
Now, in order for “Roy the Rescuer” to operate, he has to have someone to rescue, doesn’t he? Just as Superman needs Lois Lane, so my “shape” as “Roy the Rescuer” REQUIRES a woman with a reciprocally matched “shape,” and we could call that person, “Debbie, the Damsel-in-Distress.”
The two are a perfect match! They go together like cookies and milk. Rescuers need damsels and vice versa. In fact, they more than need each other; they require each other.
The Ugly Truth
Here’s the ugly truth: as long as I remain “Roy the Rescuer,” I’ll always attract, “Debbie the Damsel.” It cannot be otherwise. My “shape” demands it. Groundhog Day will never end because she’s the only puzzle piece that fits my “shape.” This leads to what I hope will be an “aha” moment for you:
As long as your “shape” remains the same,
you will always attract the same kinds of partners into your life.
Whether you are aware of it or not, you have a psychological and emotional “shape,” and it requires a certain kind of reciprocally matched partner. Like cookies and milk, you go together. Consider these examples (and for each one, the vice versa applies):
- Care-givers attract narcissists
- Control freaks attract doormats
- Addicts attract enablers
- Clingers attract runners
- Rescuers attract victims
They GO together. They’re made for each other—like two pieces of a puzzle.
For the longest time, I was a rescuer in my relationships. I rescued, saved and took care of women. Who would I attract? Damsels-in-distress, women who needed to be taken care of. The rescuer type attracts (actually requires!) the overwhelmed damsel. They go together.
So your pain, disappointment and frustration with your love life has nothing to do with the men or women who’ve been a part of it! It’s not them. Brace yourself: It’s you.
If your “shape” remains unchanged, you will always attract the same kinds of partners. Groundhog Day will continue—eternally—unless and until you put your full attention on what I call “Shape-Shifting.”
Until you identify your particular “shape”—and shift it—you will forever be stuck in Relationship Groundhog Day, repeating your painful relationship history over and over again.
As a coach, I’m a “shape-shifter.” It’s what I do with my clients.
I’ve shifted my own “shape,” and I’ve shifted hundreds of my client’s “shapes.” If you’re suffering from The Relationship Groundhog Day Syndrome, then the first step to break free is to reach out and talk to me about this. Take advantage of the free 30-minute exploratory coaching session I offer.
You do not have to keep attracting the same people, patterns, problems and pain into your life over and over again. It can stop and I can show you how to stop it. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or call me at 407-687-3387.
Your love life is on the line. Don’t pass on this. Break free…… NOW!
Roy Biancalana is a certified relationship coach, a TV personality in Orlando, Florida, and the author of two books, the latest of which is the #1 best-seller, Attracting Lasting Love: Breaking Free of the 7 Barriers that Keep You Single. For the past 10 years, Roy’s mission has been supporting single people in the art of attracting and creating conscious, lasting relationships. He offers a complimentary 30-minute coaching session to anyone interested in working with him. You can learn more about him by visiting, www.coachingwithroy.com.