To Attract Lasting Love, Ask Yourself Just One Question

Do you want to attract lasting love? If so, there is a question you need to ask yourself, a question that is more important than any other.

And that question is NOT “who do I want?” or “where should I go to meet someone?” Those are fair questions but they’re just not the most important question.

The most important question is: What is my relationship to love?

In my relationship coaching practice, I work exclusively with single people who want to attract lasting love. And my number one challenge is to invite my client’s to turn their focus away from who they want and where they will find them, to what is their relationship to love.

 Why is this so important? Because your relationship to love is either unconsciously sabotaging your love life, keeping you single, or it’s got you stuck in Relationship Groundhog Day, attracting the same patterns, problems and pain over and over again.

Our relationship to love is like the Wizard of Oz. It’s behind the curtain of our awareness turning the knobs and pulling the levers, keeping us single or stuck in repeating patterns. And I don’t think you want either of those things, so let’s explore this question together.



As we explore our relationship to love, we need to start with a little introspection and self-awareness. To do that, think of your past intimate relationships.

What impressions did they leave on you? Can you identify a core belief that has developed as a result of those relationships? To help you in that process, here are five common ones:

  1. Love is happiness. I feel empty and lonely without it.
  2. Love is terrifying. I could be hurt or rejected.
  3. Love has to be earned. I’ll never measure up or be good enough.
  4. Love is painful. Trusting others leads to betrayal and a broken heart.
  5. Love is smothering. I’ll lose my independence and freedom.

So what is your relationship to love?

It takes courage to answer such a question, but we must, because our relationship to love is THE determining factor in our love lives. Nothing is more important. So which one do you most resonate with?


Love is Life & Life is Love

The next step is realizing that your relationship to love exists within a wider context. Your relationship to love mirrors your relationship to LIFE. In other words, you will relate to life in the same way that you relate to love. Consider a couple of examples.

  • If you’re obsessed about love and feel that being single is a problem that needs to be fixed (#1 on the list), then you’ll see life as a problem that needs to be fixed too.
  • If you have trust issues when it comes to love (#4 on the list), you’ll have trust issues when it comes to life. You won’t trust either. Instead, you’ll try to control both. What you do with love, you’ll do with life. And vice versa.

You won’t relax and enjoy either of them. You won’t see either as an unfolding mystery and an adventure, you won’t flow with life or love, feeling the glory and agony of them both.

Instead, both will feel like a frustrating struggle. You’ll fight with life as you do with love, you’ll try to control life like you try to control love. Both will feel dangerous, depressing or disappointing. Neither will feel divine, delightful or delicious (as they should).


The Quest-ion

So our question has changed. Since life can only be experienced right NOW, in this present moment, our question becomes this:

What is your relationship to the present moment?

We don’t have to bother trying to figure out the mysteries of love. We don’t even have to figure out all the mysteries of life. All we need to do is explore our relationship to this present moment—to NOW!

How do you feel about NOW? Are you resisting or trusting?

Let’s make it less philosophical and more personal. How do you feel about your current relationship status? Are you at peace with it or do you see it as a problem that needs to be fixed?

Are you relaxed and trusting that your love life is exactly as its supposed to be, or do you feel a sense of lack or loneliness, that the present moment is definitely NOT ok, that your status is not the way it’s supposed to be?

If you are not comfortable with the way life is unfolding right NOW, then you will engage in all kinds of neurotic and self-sabotaging behaviors.

  • You’ll hide or alter your authentic self to get someone to like you
  • You’ll date people that aren’t right for you or give second chances to those you shouldn’t
  • You’ll have sex well before you’re ready
  • You’ll stay in dead-end or unhealthy relationships far too long

The list could go on and on.

If you’re not relaxed with the way life is NOW, you’ll take matters into your own hands. You’ll try too hard, you’ll play games, you’ll manipulate people and you’ll get yourself all twisted up on the inside.

Basically, you’ll be a neurotic mess. And when you’re a neurotic mess, you’re not attractive—at all (at least not to quality people).

The more you resist the present moment, the less attractive you become

So our question has become a quest: to awaken spiritually, to make the shift from resisting and fighting the present moment, to embracing and surrendering to it.

For when we trust that life is unfolding perfectly, the anxiety of seeking and searching for love relaxes, and strangely, we become our most attractive selves.

And THAT is what I do with my clients. I don’t talk much about who they want or where they should go to meet someone. I talk more about their relationship to love, their relationship to Life, and especially their relationship to NOW.

Improving those relationships is what leads to attracting lasting love.

If this kind of work interests you, email me at I offer a complimentary 30-minute coaching session to anyone who wants to explore the possibility of forming a coach/client relationship.


Roy Biancalana is a certified relationship coach, a TV personality in Orlando, Florida, and the author of the #1 best-selling book, Attracting Lasting Love: Breaking Free of the 7 Barriers that Keep You Single. For the past 10 years, Roy’s mission has been supporting single people in the art of attracting and creating conscious, lasting relationships. He offers a complimentary 30-minute coaching session to anyone interested in working with him. You can learn more about him by visiting,

Roy Biancalana

Roy Biancalana is an author, a certified relationship coach, a certified “Living Inquiry” facilitator and a spiritual teacher. He has been supporting the personal growth and life-transformation of thousands of people for nearly 25 years. His passion is working with men and women who are committed to awakening to their true spiritual nature and experiencing the love life they most desire. With a warm, personal and informal style, Roy specializes in supporting single people in attracting the love of their lives and also helping those who are in committed partnerships experience a deeper level of intimacy. READ MORE