6 “F-Words” That Will Sabotage Your Love Life (and keep you single)

As a relationship coach, I have been helping single people find their life partners for 15 years. And I find that the approaches or strategies people use to do that fall into two major categories: The Conventional Approach (there are six of them) and The Conscious Approach.

The conventional approaches to attracting lasting love can be best described with 6 F-Words. They’re “bad” words, but only because they don’t work. They don’t allow you to attract a healthy, sustainable, intimate relationship, they merely keep you stuck in repetitive, painful patterns.


1. Relying on FATE

Remember that Reese’s Peanut Butter commercial where a person with chocolate randomly bumps into a person with peanut butter? Fate or luck brings those two flavors together and the rest is history. Wonderful commercial; lousy attraction strategy.

2. FISHING online

You can certainly catch some “fish” with online dating, but as you probably know, you’ll want to throw most of them back! How many “frogs” are you willing to kiss in order to find that one “prince”?

3. Being FIXED up

Like online dating, being fixed up by a friend or co-worker can work, but it rarely does. Usually, you’ll feel some chemistry but no compatibility, or you’ll seem compatible but there’s no spark. It’s one or the other, but rarely both. Ugh.

4. FAKING it by becoming what others want

The fear of never finding someone and growing old alone can cause us to hide the parts of us that we think the other person wouldn’t like and morph into the person we think they would like. This works in the short run but it eventually backfires because you can’t hide your true feelings, beliefs or opinions forever.

5. Reconnecting with FORMER lovers

There’s a saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”…with a former lover. But if it didn’t work the first time, why would it work now? The only reason we “recycle” is because we’re lonely, and you can’t let that energy choose your life partner.

6. Using the many dating FORMULAS espoused by dating “experts”

I don’t need to tell you about all the nonsensical tricks, tips and techniques that are promoted by so-called dating experts. As you know, they usually contradict each other, leaving you confused and frustrated.



I honestly tried every single one of these conventional approaches and they led to pain rather than partners. Why? Because they all depend on external things I can’t control. I don’t want to leave something as important as my love life to fate. And I didn’t want to waste my time with the liars, losers and lunatics you’ll meet online. 

I also didn’t want to delegate my love life to my friends or co-workers, as well-meaning as they were, nor did I want to hide the real me or go back to an ex or play the silly games that the “experts” endorsed. It all felt disempowering, humiliating or simply ridiculous.

loving newlyweds couple mixed race keeping fire alive first year marriageSo out of frustration I tried The Conscious Approach, which is to focus inwardly and work on myself, for that I can control. And when I made that shift, everything changed.

When I began asking myself what I might be doing to sabotage my love life, I was amazed to discover 7 barriers within myself that kept me single, and I went to work on them.

And when I broke free of them, I quickly met and married the love of my life. The same thing can happen to you.

My #1 best-selling book, Attracting Lasting Love, describes 7 self-sabotaging behaviors and what to do about them.

To better explain The Conscious Approach, and to hopefully convince you to abandon the conventional approaches, here is an excerpt from the Introduction to the book.

“What I have learned from my own personal experience and in my work with hundreds of clients is this: we sabotage ourselves from experiencing the very thing we want most.

Although we desperately want to be in a loving, lasting, long-term relationship, we are somehow blocking love from entering our lives. Discovering how we’re doing this and breaking free of it is the conscious approach.

I opened this chapter with a quote from the mystic poet, Rumi, and it bears repeating:

Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

This is why the conventional approaches don’t work. How can you attract lasting love if you have barriers built against that very thing?

Think of it this way: The offensive linemen on a football team block the defenders from getting to the quarterback. Likewise, Rumi says you have “blockers” in your life, things that keep love from getting to you.

Let’s look closer at what Rumi is saying.

“Your task is not to seek love…” That phrase, alone, should make your head spin, for it’s the exact opposite of everything you hear today! He’s saying not to bother with any of the conventional approaches that tell you how to find love. In fact, you should drop the entire search.

Don’t concern yourself with where to go, who you want, what to wear, how to approach and what to say. Instead, Rumi says, “seek and find all the barriers within yourself” that you have built against love. If you’re going to seek for anything, seek the barriers.

Seek and find all the ways in which you’re keeping yourself single.

However, that’s easier said than done because the barriers are hidden from your awareness, which is why Rumi says you need to look for them. But you must, because they’re destroying your ability to attract lasting love.

Like the Wizard of Oz who was controlling everything from behind the curtain, so these barriers are “behind the curtain” of your awareness controlling your ability to attract and sustain a meaningful relationship.

Your task, then, is to seek, find and then break free of the barriers you’ve built against love and this book will show you how.

This is the approach that’s changed my life and hundreds of my client’s lives. If you drop the conventional approaches to finding a life partner and adopt this conscious approach, you too will attract lasting love.”

If you’d like to learn more about the 7 barriers and how they might be sabotaging your ability to attract lasting love, you can preview and/or purchase the e-book or the paperback by clicking HERE.

However, an even better next step would be to talk directly with me. I offer a free 30-minute coaching session to anyone interested in how I might be able to help them attract lasting love. Email me at roy@coachingwithroy.com or call me directly at 407-687-3387.


ROY BIANCALANA is a certified relationship coach, a TV personality, and the author of 3 best-selling books. The book referred to in this blog is, Attracting Lasting Love: Breaking Free of the 7 Barriers that Keep You Single. For the past 10 years, Roy’s mission has been supporting single people in the art of attracting and creating conscious, lasting relationships. He offers a complimentary 30-minute coaching session to anyone interested in working privately with him.

Roy Biancalana

Roy Biancalana is an author, a certified relationship coach, a certified “Living Inquiry” facilitator and a spiritual teacher. He has been supporting the personal growth and life-transformation of thousands of people for nearly 25 years. His passion is working with men and women who are committed to awakening to their true spiritual nature and experiencing the love life they most desire. With a warm, personal and informal style, Roy specializes in supporting single people in attracting the love of their lives and also helping those who are in committed partnerships experience a deeper level of intimacy. READ MORE

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